though there had been nothing spectacular about the relationship, I will never forget that first kiss
it was my birthday. I'd had a crush on you for a while before, and since I was lacking in the self confidence department, just the fact that I was hanging out with a guy I'd been thinking about constantly with the possibility of things going further just hanging around in the air; it was the best present I could have ever gotten
I'd never been one for mushy things. that was one of the main reasons I'd steered clear of dating through most of high school. but that night I was radiating with the romance I'd been so quick to gag at before. I was in such a mode of infatuation, you could have reached over to pick a piece of food out of my teeth and I would have convinced myself it was romantic
I remember when we went up on the roof, and you pointed up at the stars and told me how beautiful they were. only now do I realize how stupid and fake that was, but then I was eating it up with a spoon
and then we walked out and I was freezing because it was january, and my hands were ice, and I told you this without even thinking about it. but the next thing I knew you were reaching for my hand and I was having to repeat in my head, yes, this is happening. this is real. I didn't even mean for you to take it as a hint, but I was sure as hell glad you did anyway
and then you were driving me over to this park you said was near your neighborhood. it was small but completely deserted, and perfect for what we both knew we were wanting to do
we sat on the play equipment, just talking. I don't even remember what, just talking about nothing most likely. and then it got quiet, and I was looking over at you from the corner of my eye. smiling. biting my lip. wishing you'd do it. begging for it. I hadn't been kissed since middle school, but they were never real kisses. and I had grown so shy over the years. but you finally leaned in towards me, and our lips met...
I'd always heard about the firecrackers or the flames of passion, or whatever other clichéd crap. being the unmushy person that I was, I thought that was all just hollywood bullshit. and though there was no fireworks or flames, it was something else. something better. it was something deeper and farther out from reality. it was an overwhelming feeling. it was calm and yet exciting. still and yet crazy. heavy and yet light. like the way water takes over a person. you float yet the weight of it completely envelopes you. it was like being pulled back into nothingness, but it was a warm nothingness. it paralyzed me. my thoughts clouded over and my brain went numb. it was the only time I think I was too far away to over think the situation. I don't even remember what all we were doing or how we were kissing, just that warm, numbing abyss
it was the most beautiful feeling I've ever had, and it's just so, so sad that I wasted it on you
I don't regret having the feeling, but I regret the fact that I'll never have another first. you were the guy who made my knees quiver. who made me shake like a puppy just talking about our ventures to my friends. you bravened me. awakened me from my innocent state. you made me do things I never thought I'd do. and now here I am, a different person with a whole array of new desires and urges
you were a sucky kisser, though. you slept on a couch instead of a bed, and you worked yourself to the bone just to pay your rent, and you never had money for food. you were kind of a bum if anything, and I never felt completely comfortable around you. I don't think it would have mattered who it was making me feel all of those things, but it just happened to be you. and yeah, so we had sex. but honestly the sex will be the last thing I remember when that kiss felt ten times better
it'll never be the same with any other guy. I will never have the excited butterflies, and I'll never shake or quiver after being intimate, and I'll never smile like a little teenager daydreaming about the night before. it'll never be the same with any other guy, and I just wish it could've been that way with someone who really meant every emotion they'd given me
but it can't be that way. it will never be that way. you will always be that kiss
