Danganronpa OC Reviews (CLOSED)

Delicatehearts : Melanthios Shiroko

Sexuality: Demiromantic Asexual
I like her sexuality!

Backstory: Melanthios' background was actually quite tragic - sounds a bit Mary Sue-ish but stick with me. Melanthios was born unfortunately on a plane crash, her Father had died due to the impact from crashing onto the island and her Mother died after giving birth to her. Melanthios was actually named by the pilot who was close friends with her Father, the few remaining survivors managed to feed her by having a kind woman who luckily survived, feeding her. After two or three days, the survivors and Melanthios were thankfully rescued.
After being rescued, Melanthios was brought to an orphanage where she was raised in okay conditions but when she reached the very young age of three, she started to be treated horribly like an object, labelled by a number. There, she endured beatings, sexual and innapropriate touching by the men who worked at the orphanage, and starvation.
Luckily, a man in his young thirties by the name of Kyle who recently had been hired to work as a guard at the orphanage had took pity on Melanthios, he decided to adopt her and that's exactly what she did. Knowing that it was really dangerous and probably the most stupid thing any person on earth could do, he taught her how to shoot when she was six.
Kyle was apparently a master in Muay Thai and Skillet, also had joined the army from the age of eighteen. He taught Melanthios how to fight and use guns by the time she was ten - at school she would usually be avoided by because of that one time where a girl decided to piss Melanthios off by insulting Kyle. It did not turn out well.
The girl ended up going back home with several bruises, a broken nose, a black eye and a broken arm. Melanthios had to be put under control so Kyle was forced to inject her with a type of drug do that her anger would decrease whenever she was getting ticked off.
When another year rolled by, Kyle was killed. Kyle had apparently been visiting the bank so he could get Melanthios' weekly allowance which was five dollars - a bank robbery had happened. There was a huge massacre and one of the victims to be brutally shot multiple times was Kyle who had tried to protect a pregnant woman and her children.
After finding out about Kyle's tragic death, Melanthios ran away from her house, minutes away from being found by the police who had tried to bring her back to the orphanage she was rescued from. Melanthios had to survive on the streets for weeks until she passed out from starvation one day.
Fortunately, when she woke up she was rescued by her older sister and brother that she had never knew about, Kou and Gina Shiroko. They were away in a boarding school when the parents went on vacation. After meeting each other, Melanthios explained to them that the police were coming to find her and that Gina and Kou needed to hide.
Unfortunately, she was too late. The police broke into the house and brutally shot Gina and Kou thinking they were kidnappers, thankfully Kou was still alive only being shot twice in the arm but Gina was shot in the head and neck. This death resulted in Melanthios furiously tackling one of the police officers, biting his ear off and stealing his gun before killing all five officers.
Thankfully, Melanthios was let loose without guilt in court because it was the police that had attacked first, and when she got home, her brother still in the hospital recovering, Melanthios went over to a local shooting arena to clear out her head. That's when she began to practise and practise even more after finding interest in it again.
After joining shooting competitions that shehad won all, she became very well known and well uhm, feared. Noticing her terrifying talent, SHSL accepted her which resulted in Melanthios moving over to Japan.
I have a few issues with this backstory; it is quite Mary Sue-ish as you said and while I was hoping it would be well-done enough to let you get away with it, I think you might need to rethink it.
With the plane crash; pregnant mothers who are expecting aren't allowed on planes at all. Security would have pulled her up and stopped her from taking the flight. Emergency services would have sent Melanthios to her closest living relatives who were able to take care of her, not to an orphanage by herself. Considering she is Christian as well, even if she didn't have any living relatives she would have gone to a Godmother or Godfather.
The 'terrible orphanage' cliche wouldn't even be true in a real-life scenario as the government would check for things like what was happening at the orphanage before sending children to it. Also, it's a little sad seeing the orphanage cliche used as such a bad thing as I don't think people who have actually grown up in orphanages have had such experiences.
It is illegal to teach children how to shoot guns, and Kyle would have been caught by the police.
OC's that just harm other characters to avenge them doesn't immediately make the OC likeable or relatable, and especially seeing that your OC sent the girl to the hospital just makes her less likeable.
A person with anger problems would not be injected with drugs, especially at that young of an age. Melanthios would have been sent to therapy instead; I know therapy has bad connotations to some people but it really is helpful and it won't hurt to send your OC to therapy!
The police wouldn't have just left her on the streets if she refused to go back to the orphanage, and neither would they just run in all guns blazing to an attempted kidnapping. They would go in and arrest the 'perpetrators' so as not to cause harm to the child they believe has been kidnapped. Also, if Melanthios killed five police officers in cold blood she would not have been let off with a warning. One death does not account to five in revenge, and considering how brutal the murders must have been I'm not sure Melanthios would even be in a healthy mental state after everything that's happened to her to be able to live her life normally.
She would have had PTSD, anxiety, or something of the sort. Also, if she truly was let off for killing five officers, she would have strict rules placed on her which would disallow her from purchasing and owning guns since she's known to be dangerous when handling one.
Honestly, I think you need to rework this backstory completely. I can understand why you gave her the backstory; I used to create backstories like this for my characters, but there's simply no need to force a reader to feel sympathy for a character by giving them a traumatic backstory. Let her stand on her own and become a character everyone likes because of her personality, not a character everyone pities because of her backstory. She's allowed to have a normal backstory; she's allowed to be a normal kid. She will be just as likeable without the tragic backstory. Again, don't worry. Everyone's gone through this stage in character development, I've gone through it as well, so don't feel too upset over it. In the end, it's up to you, so if you don't want to listen to my advice I won't be upset.

Extra Info:
- Melanthios' last name after moving in with Kyle was Christodoulopoulos, meaning "the son of the servant of god."
- Melanthios is Christian
- She is also good at archery but her forte is guns
- Has a collection of manga since she's actually a huge geek
- Is extremely terrified of cockroaches
- Is albino if you haven't picked it up
- Has a bad habit of biting her nails when thinking
- Melanthios' older brother, Kou Christodoulopoulos, is the SHSL Daredevil
- She was raised in the United States but brought to Japan by Hope's Peak Academy
How did she get her Japanese last name? Was it Kyle? If so, he has a very western first name so was his family Japanese but he was born in America? If she's half-Japanese, though, I would assume her biological family's last name would be Japanese. Otherwise, I like the extra info, it's nice to get to know her character more and the addition of tiny things like her manga collection and fear of cockroaches makes her seem like a more realistic character!

Ultimate/SHSL: Shooter
Original talent!

Reaction to seeing death: Melanthios wouldn't have any reaction whatsoever though she would flinch if the death included a loud bang or sound, the girl had seen much worse in her lifetime so death was basically a joke to her. Melanthios would have a monotone face and expressionless eyes while watching the death with a lazy pose.
I don't think Melanthios would flinch; since she works with guns I assume she would be used to loud sounds. Otherwise, this suits her!

Reaction to being accused of killing: Melanthios would remain calm and use her casual cold and confident voice that she will bring up a pitch, if she runs out of all evidence that she is not the killer then she'll freak out and fall to her knees, continuously rambling that it wasn't her fault that they pushed her.
I like that she would be calm and confident, however her freaking out doesn't seem to go along with her personality. Maybe she'd get angry instead or something?

How would they kill: In a gross and violent way, first by beating the person up so badly you cannot recognise their face before hanging them with their hands cut off, and their blood used to draw a shooting target on their stomach, after that Melanthios would use a silent gun and shoot them multiple times on the centre circle which is right in the upper middle of their torso.
This seems a bit brutal, as she doesn't seem to be so violent in her personality.

Execution: Melanthios would be dragged off by Monokuma like almost all executions, being brought to a large Roman arena like where the gladiators had fought, but she would have to face dozens of tanks shooting at her repeatedly, after managing to hit a few times she would stumle into a door, trying to pry it open but falling before coming face to face with the tanks that came even closer, surrounding her. Monokuma would then order his duplicates to fire, after that all that is left of Melanthios was blood and pieces.
I like this, it suits her talent and is very Danganronpa.

Overall, I think Melanthios has the beginnings of a very interesting and thought-provoking character. I'd recommend reviewing the backstory, possibly even reworking it completely, and making her personality a bit less busy. Otherwise, I adore her character design and think she's a very original character who just needs a bit of work! I hope I wasn't too harsh on you!

Personality: 7.5/10
Character design: 9/10
Originality: 7.5/10
Backstory: 3.5/10
Overall: 6.5/10

Thanks for sending in your OC!