hopeless || phan [complete]

»»————-　song:　————-««

falling in love will kill you

★ by wrongchilde ft. gerard way ★

❝ my heart, it's going crazy-
it feels like i got hit by a train ❞

♢ ♢ ♢

"the last time i saw you, you were practically pink-cheeked from excitement," dr. ross said quietly. "what changed?"

dan felt awful. terrible. like a steamroller had rolled over him flat and managed not to kill him. at the very least, he felt like vomiting from pressure in his chest and stomach.

"phil," dan said. it came out more like a croak, so he pathetically cleared his throat and tried again.

"my boyfriend. he found out about..." dan vaguely gestured about, "this. me."

"but that doesn't define you anymore," dr. ross said. "he was unwilling to listen?"

dan nodded.

"how about your friend? the one who came to visit you?"

"i can understand that he feels upset, but he decided to listen. and... he was just really lovely about the whole thing. i'm grateful," dan said quietly. "but phil just... i came into school after staying home with a cold and he was with someone else. without telling me. and one of his friends spread around my disorder, and-" dan promptly clamped his mouth shut, knowing that if he kept going, he would burst into tears. dr. ross waited patiently.

dan took a shaky breath.

"if i knew emotions would hurt this much, i might have changed my mind about wanting them," he admitted.

"would you trade them in again?" dr. ross asked. "go back to the way things were?" dan looked away,

"i don't know," he said miserably. "i don't know if it was worth it."

"you seem to think that phil played a part in coaxing out your emotions. how do you feel about that, dan?"

"that makes it worse." dan dropped his head, as though speaking to the pattern in the wood, trying to etch his words into this miserably sparse room. "he did this to me. and then he took it away from me."

the minutes ticked by, and dan tried not to think about phil anymore, his pale smile or his eyes or his voice. but falling in love could not make that easy, and heartbreak made it impossible. dan wrapped his arms around himself, suddenly freezing cold, and wished for phil.

a/n: this is one of my favorite songs mmmmmm