Hideaway

          There's a really nice bench at the end of the lake by the trees. Nobody's ever there and in the afternoon the sun makes the water sparkle like glass. I haven't been here for a while but I felt the need to just sit here for a little while. Ralph had the bus routes and he even circled two spots where the train stops. Before he handed me the paper it didn't feel like we were really leaving. Two days. That's all the time we have. On the way here I realized I was crying. I can't be sad because Damon's gonna be sad and Toby's gonna be...he's gonna hate me. I have to hold it together for both of them. My phone rings.

          "Hey Damon, sorry this took so long. I'm on my way back now." My voice is hollow.

          "That's cool. Me and Toby were just watching movies on my phone and he wanted me to call you. I think he misses you." There's something about his voice right now that I can't quite put my finger on. It's like he knows how close we are to goodbye.
"Here, he's reaching for the phone so I'll let you guys talk."

"Hi mama!" He's always so happy. I hate to admit it to myself but I know he's happier since we met Damon. There's more than just us two, all alone, and I think he really likes that. I really don't know how I'm gonna take that away.
"Ma? I think it's broken Damon."

"It's not broken baby. Hi." I say it quicker than I think I meant to. "I'm gonna be home really soon."

"It's almost bedtime. The little line is pointing at the 7." I remember how excited he was when I gave him that watch. He never takes it off.

          "I promise I'll be home before bed. Are you having fun with Damon?" I make myself stand and start walking. My body feels heavy.

          "Yeah, we watched Iron Man and I wanted to watch the next one but Damon has to download it at his house so he said we can watch it next time." His little voice is so sweet. I can't handle this. But I will anyway because it's what I have to do.

"Good movie choice. Look, hun, ma has to get going if I wanna get back soon so I'll see you when I get home."

"Okay, love you mama. Say bye to ma." I can hear Damon chuckle over the phone. "See you when you get home." His voice sounds deeper when it comes right after Toby's.

"Later." I hang up the phone and shove it into my pocket. It's really gonna break my heart to leave. I used to dream about someplace better and now, all because of one boy that I havent even know long, it's like leaving is some cruel punishment. I just have to keep reminding myself that it's not safe here. What's important is being safe, especially now that Delia's on my back. I'll tell Damon about it when I tell him about everything else. I don't really want to tell him we leave in two days. I don't want it to hang over him like it is over me, but I know it'd hurt more if I waited to tell him until right before we left. Plus he's already scared I'm just gonna disappear without saying goodbye. Which is a reasonable thing to think since I've done it before. I can't do that to him.

When I reach the house I pause before opening the door. I need to have a smile on for Toby. I need to be excited and hug him and read him a story in my happy voice and put him to bed, all while radiating positivity. I shake my whole body and take a deep breath before swinging open the door and quickly shouting it as Toby hops off the couch and runs to me.

"I missed you!" He exclaims as I lift him from the floor. It feels like somehow I'm betraying him. I wanna explain everything to him but he's to little to understand and so, to him, I'll be the bad guy. A big meanie. I set him back on the ground after kissing his forehead.

          "Why don't you go find a book for ma to read you tonight?" I ruffle his large curls and he nods, running off to the bedroom. Then I see Damon, sitting on the couch, just watching me. I take a seat next to him. Somehow he knows. He knows somethings just changed. "Hey." I wanna say more but a hello is all I can manage I guess.

          "Hey." I think I'm gonna miss his voice. It might sound stupid but I'm gonna miss hearing him say simple things like hey. I start to say something, anything really, but Toby comes running out with a book in hand.

         "I wanna read this one." He has a big smile on his face as he holds up I Love You Forever. It was my sisters favorite book as a kid. I grab it from him as I stand. "Mama, can Damon come listen too?" Toby grabs Damon's hand and pulls him to a standing position.

          "Of course he can." We all file in to the tiny room. Toby begs Damon to lay with him and he does, while I sit at the foot of the mattress and start reading. "I love you forever, I like you for always. As long as I'm living, my baby you'll be." I keep reading and by the time I'm finished Toby's asleep.

      "My grandma used to read me that book." Damon says it quietly, trying not to wake Toby.

      "My sister loved it. She never told me how she knew it but I think my dad may have read it to her. She didn't like to talk about him." I feel like I'm always saying these heavy things to him without thinking. "I have to tell you something. A couple things actually." I can't keep talking to him without letting him know everything.

        "I know. We should probably go to the living room so we don't wake him." Damon, very slowly, slides himself away from Toby and off the edge of the bed. I follow him to the couch. "Alright. Lay it on me." He smiles and I can tell he's trying to make this less serious. I used to be pretty good at that but right now it feels like there is no bright side.

       "The other day I met with this guy so he could get me the routes and schedule of the train and Lexi, the girl who messaged me, found me. It was when Toby was at your place so we came back here to talk. She was pretty mad at me but it was really nice to see her again. I'm not sure why I didn't tell you right away. I guess I didn't really think there was much to tell." Starting with Lexi felt reasonable. I'll get to the two days left together thing later.

       "I'm glad she found you. What happened with the guy and train routes?" I can see it in his eyes, he wants to question me about this mysterious guy he doesn't know, but I think he's scared of what I'll say if he does.

       "I'm getting there. Today when I stepped out it was because Lexi called and I don't want Toby to know about her. I feel bad about it because she knew him as a baby but you know I'm getting ready to leave and I didn't want to introduce him to her just to all her away." My voice cracks a little and I try my best to regain control. I take a breath and try my best to finish. "Anyway, I had forgot that I was supposed to get the schedule and routes today so I rushed over to get them and... if we don't leave in two days I don't know when we'll get another chance." It comes out fast and leaves a bad taste in my mouth. Suddenly I wonder if I should be telling him this. Maybe it really would be better if I hadn't. We sit there for a moment in silence before he takes a long breath.

          "Nikola, I've been thinking and... I realized that the thought of never seeing you again makes me feel like I might as well be dead. I know it sounds dramatic but you mean a lot to me. And honestly I've gotten pretty attached to Toby. I love you. I love both of you. I want you to know that this isn't goodbye. Even if I can't leave with you in two days, I'll be with you later. I can't just let this be the end." I realize after he finished talking that at some point I stopped breathing and I finally take a breath. He sounds so sure that I can't help but believe him. This doesn't have to be goodbye.

           "I love you too." There aren't words to describe how I feel right now. I don't think I've ever been so confused over whether to be extremely happy or sad in my life. Nobody's ever told me they love me before. I've never felt this way about anybody before either. I dont wanna go. In the back of my mind I kept telling myself there was no way I could care so much so quickly but I think from the moment I left his house that first day that he was important.

"I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to say now. If this were a movie we'd just cut to a new scene or something." Maybe this wasn't the best time for a joke but you can only sit silently for so long. He smiles at least so I guess it wasn't that stupid. And now I think the air is a little less heavy. He slides his arm around my waist and kisses my forehead.

"I think we should worry about all this tomorrow. For now I just wanna be with you." He rests his head on mine as I lean on his shoulder. Its incredibly sweet but at the same time his words sting. He just wants to be with me and I'm leaving.

"I'm sorry Damon."

"What for?"

"Everything."