I've made new friends. Both aren't white or black. Romil. He's got big eyes and bigger eyebrows. His hair curls, especially when it's hot and sweat forms on his scalp. He's sweet, and loud, and doesn't think when he says at all. He falls in love with any girl who gives him any type of attention. He's obsessed with scary movies and kanye West. Ashlan. He always wears a beanie but he's got a shaved head. He doesn't smile that often but it's nice when he does. He's taller than me and Romil. He's nice to hug. He hates anything to do with love, opposite of Romil, and smokes a lot of cigarettes for a 15 year old. They're both perfect, and not, at the same time.
They like me for who I am. Not like Merlyn and Matt don't, but they really really like me. Matt and Merlyn accepted me into their brotherly relationship years ago, but they deal with me. They laugh at all my interest and obsessions. Ashlan and Romil like me. They're a breath of fresh air.
Merlyn and Matt smoke cigarettes too. Merlyn does it cause Matt does. Matt does it because on August 27th his father packed a suitcase and took a bus out of town and never came back. Matt isn't very affected by the looks of it, aside from the heavy smoking. We don't talk about it. No one talks about it.
I remember the night he told me. I was home, lights all off in my room aside from the TV it was a few days after Russell officially left for Arizona. A knock against my window and there was Matt. He had been crying.
We sit in silence, hands gripping my sheets. I could see the shine of his fresh tears in the blue light of the TV. We don't talk. It stays like that until his head falls in my lap and a memory of Russell doing the same thing flashed in my head. His wet cheek wipes against my thigh. My hands instinctively travel to his hair. He buzzed it. I missed the feeling of it.
He lets out a breath and I brace myself for whatever was bad enough to make Matt Champion cry.
"My dad's gone, Ian." My hands trace patterns on his head. I dont know if he means gone or gone. "He just left Ian. It's been two days"
We sit for another few minutes. I lean my head close to his ear and tell him im sorry. Then, I don't know why I was feeling so brave. I ask, "do you want to know a secret?"
"I know all your secrets" I pull my face back when he turns his head towards mine. It's hard to see, but his eyes are puffy. His face is pink.
"Not this one" his interest peaks. He props himself up on the elbow not on my legs, face twisted in curiosity. I suddenly regret my words.
"Well what is it?" My eyes dart down and I just know he's rolling his. My mouth goes dry and I have to say it.
"Im gay, Matt"
His eyes go wide and he's got this big stupid smile on his face. Then he laughs. A weight is slightly lifted but my stomach still twists from his laughter.
"I knew it!" He practically yells, I shove my hands in his face and over his mouth. He laughs and falls back. His smile is softer. And I smile back.
I sort of felt he'd be okay with it. Considering his first and only friends for a few years are both black boys. He wouldn't have a problem with it. Matt loved everyone. Even me.
"Am I the only one that knows?" He asks. Poking my face. "Does Merlyn know? Dude we've-"
"N-no! We can't tell him Matt" I've ratted myself out. Matt isn't stupid.
"Oh my God" My face is on fire. The burn spreads to the tip of my ears and dips low into my stomach where Matt's ear is pressed. Tears involuntary slip out and slide down my chin.
He stops and scrambles off of my lap, hands on my shoulders. I didn't mean to cry. I didn't mean to scare him.
"No, no Ian no." He lowers his eyes to meet mine. He smiles. "I won't tell. Not a fucking soul. You're my brother." He smiles with his teeth this time, the light from the TV making them glow. "No one will know okay? Just me and you"
He sits next to me on the bed for the rest of the night. We watch TV like normal aside from a few questions.
"How do you know? Like, what does it feel like" my eyes shift to the side as i try and think of how to piece my words.
"I-On my birthday, while you and Merlyn and Roy were at the store. I kind of kissed Russell. Well-"
"Oh my god-" He likes this more than I do and it's kind of funny.
"He kissed me. He kissed me and then that's when all those strange feelings sort of, fell into place."
"Happy you figured it out. I love you, Ian, you're my brother." Im Merlyns brother too. We're just brothers. That fact is comforting for the night.
This ACCIDENTLY turned into ian coming out but i like it so
