From Books I've Never Wrote

I wonder if you still remember all the memories we shared, or if that's just me. Do you remember all the nights we would stay up on the phone talking to each other... there was never a dull moment between us.

We made promises to each other. Promises, which at the time, we believed we would keep until the very end.

I also remember our plans. We made plans to get a house together and be housemates. We made plans to sit outside that house in the summer wearing our pajamas, sipping on a cup of morning coffee and talk shit about our neighbors. The usual.

We also made stupid, impossible little plans. Like getting married on the same day, having children around the same age and watching them become best friends as they grew older.

I wonder if you still think about these things. I do, but that might just be me.

We still go to the same school. We pass each other in the same hallways as were heading to our different classes. We wear the same blank expression as we pass each other.  Nowadays, we don't even look at each other, and whenever we do it is just like we're looking at a stranger through a smoked mirror.

What happened to us?

We made so many memories that I believed would be irreplaceable for us. I guess you found it easy to replace me. You found someone to replace me with. I was with you when you first met them, I had to watch as you slowly faded into a distant friend before my eyes. Then I had to watch my distant friend become a stranger, then watch that stranger move on with their life and go in a separate direction. 

Now you're making new memories with a new person. You're making new plans with that new person. You're becoming a new person with that person.

You could say I envy you now, maybe I do... truly I don't know. 

All I know is that I had to watch my best friend become someone I didn't even recognize, and if I'm being honest. It broke me. You broke me. I know you would never do this intentionally but you broke me and you didn't even realize because by the time I was destroyed you had forgotten I even existed.

But, regardless of all this I still love you.

Even though you brought me so much pain in those 6 months, even now it is still unbearable to think about you and every memory we had, I still love you and I would take a bullet to the heart if it meant you got to live longer.

Some might say I need to get over it, move on and forget. But, I'm not you. I seriously don't understand how anyone can forget about someone who once showed them the definition of living. I don't understand how anyone can get over and forget about something or someone who literally shattered them into a million pieces and made them believe that they were never good enough for anyone else ever again.

I don't understand how the fuck you moved on so quick. How you forgot who I was. How you forgot I was your best friend and the one person who was always there for you, had your back and loved you unconditionally. 

I hope you're happy. I hope you've found happiness. 

I'm, in ways, glad that you have forgotten who I am by now. If you still remembered me, it would break you too. It would break you if you still cared for me the way I do for you. 

It would destroy you to see what you have made me become. How hollow I felt, and just how broken I really was.

So,

Dear My Ex-Best Friend,

I hope you are happy. I hope you are living the best life you honestly can. I hope you live a life limited of regrets, and I hope you learn the meaning of living. 

You deserve so much. 

I hope you forget about the troubles you left behind in your past. I hope you've learned to move on. I hope you're busy making plans and having fun. I hope that the love of your life treats you well and with respect.

I know by the time you read this, you'll have forgotten who I once was to you. I know you might question why I still remember you. But although it hurts me that you left, I want you to know that there are a million opportunities in the world for you to take. Take as many as you can. Don't leave one out if you want to take it. Don't live in a pit of regrets and self-doubt. You can do it. 

Love from,

You're Ex Best Friend,

Once upon a time.