JTRM (Nny x Devi)

Devi growled at the canvas in front of her, bitter that the eyes of her newest subject look an awful lot like the eyes of the wretched man that had filled her thoughts with venom the past week or so. She devoted her time since their fight to some personal pieces, with Sickness's little outburst at the forefront of her worries, but it brought her little comfort to vent her frustration through painting. The idea of ripping Johnny's head clean off of his shoulders was much more appealing, even if that urge might be from some hideous demon trying to coerce her into becoming then city's next mass murderer.
She brought a finger up to the tacky paint on her canvas, and pressed her nail harshly into her subject's eye, scraping the pupil away with one forceful drag downwards. The acrylic caking under her nail was not as satisfying as she had hoped, and Devi made her way to the kitchen sink to wash her hands.
As time passed between her petrifying new encounter with Johnny and the present, she hoped that her white-hot revulsion for his very being would have settled some, but it hadn't. Her rage persisted, mostly because she was hideously mad that she felt genuine disappointment about his sudden switch. She felt like such an ugly fool for even halfway believing his lies; all his spout about loyalty – he had nothing of the sort! It just added to the mountain of evidence that told her she should always listen to her intuition when it came to these things.
But that changed nothing about the fact that Johnny needed to be managed, especially now that he was upset again. There was no way he was using the creative centers of his brainmeats for anything productive, so the possibility that he was decaying rapidly was very high.
Devi sighed and turned the water off. Tenna was coming over to force her to eat food tonight, so that would be as good a time as any to talk out her options and decide what the Hell she was going to do about Johnny.
-
DINNER:
Tenna waved her fork at Devi while she spoke, little bits of Korean barbeque flicking out of her mouth as she did.
"So have you officially called off this Johnny business, then?"
"No." Devi sighed, poking at her dinner with little interest.
"And why not?" Tenna asked with a skeptical look. Devi sighed again.
"I just... can't. I don't see another option for this. Well, besides murder I mean." She flipped the same piece of meat over for the fifth time. "And I'm not going to murder him, no matter how badly I'd love to dig my fingers into the sides of his head and rip his fucking face off."
Tenna reared back to laugh at the image, only to choke and sputter rice everywhere.
"HAK—HAK! Ah, it is funny." She wiped her eyes. "He's lucky you're not as 'sick' as he is."
"Yes." Devi glowered down at nothing. "He is."
"Aww, don't be all murder-y and mad, Devi! You beat his ass, again! That feels good, right?"
"I wish that I'd punching him in the nose like before, then maybe I'd feel better." Her lip twitched at her lie. Her hands still felt shaky remembering the pure adrenaline pumping through her when she realized he was attacking her – it was a horrible, buzzy feeling, and it made her stomach upset to know she was afraid of him then, even if she was too pumped up to realize it at the time. It only reminded her of how badly shaken she was the first time she escaped death at his hands, and being victimized like that pissed her off more than anything.
"DAMN him!" Devi tossed her fork down with bared teeth. "I bet he's sitting around, thinking of ways to piss me off. Plotting the next way he's gunna FUCK WITH ME!"
-
ELSEWHERE:
Johnny laid across his couch, as he had for days now, more forlorn than he had been in a very long time. The frenzied sobbing and screams of self-loathing and self-pity had died the night he returned home from Devi's; all he could manage as it was now was sprawling pathetically on his belly and wishing he was dead.
He could not believe how fucking stupid he was. How could he have tried to attack Devi, the one who had so kindly removed him of his literal demons, simply because his pride was hurt by her words. If he could go back, Johnny would let her rip his ego apart – he would sit and listen to any violent words she had for him and feel his worth burn away and crumble into nothingness, because if the words were coming from her, he most certainly deserved them. He definitely felt strongly that he did now, after betraying her compassion as he did. Again.
His arms contorted around his head so his fingers could scrape at the back of his skull as another bitter tear fought its way out of his eye. He could hardly believe he had any water left in him. The tear wormed its way down the hook of Johnny's nose, stilling for just a moment on its pointed end before dripping onto the worn fabric of the sofa.
"Oh, Devi." Johnny muttered pitifully, and twisted his head further into his bicep.
"It pains me to see you like this Johnny, but your pain is not without meaning. Let it course through you, feel the passions of heartache!" Reverend Meat spoke as he appeared suddenly on a side table. Johnny snarled bitterly.
"The is NOTHING passionate about this pain!" He retorted with all the emotion left in him. "I am hollowed again – my cavernous chest whistles with ghoulish EMPTINESS! You idiot, if your plan was to fill me with any wanton feelings and superfluous desire, you have failed utterly! I've never been more motivated to carve out any humanity I have left and live as a needless husk forever."
As that breath left him, Johnny felt his body wheeze flat, like a deflating balloon, and he allowed his woefulness to consume him again. He laid unmoving in his anguish, taking no satisfaction in Meat's silence after his outburst. Meat did not seem bothered.
-
DEVI'S APARTMENT:
Tenna had taken up eating most of Devi's food after finishing her own, and chewed away while she watched her friend walk around her apartment grumbling and thinking aloud.
"Why do I have to be stuck with this fucking... God dammit...!" Devi mumbled sporadically. Tenna frowned, her friend's sanity again a notable concern.
"Ughhh, I fucking hate this!" Devi's voice pitched up suddenly, only to tapper off into groaning again. "I don't even want to see him. I hate him so much right now."
"You don't have to—" Tenna started, but stopped when Devi turned to look at her with a mixture of annoyance and despair.
"Tenna, you know I have to. I have to persevere with this stupid... thing." She snorted a sigh through her nose. "I think I can still... I don't know. Control him? I let my guard down, something I should never do. I can't let myself get comfortable – this is work."
"You do know that you, in fact, work too much, right?"
"Don't start." Devi pointed at her. "And if it makes you any happier, after Johnny's 'better' I'll be working a perfectly normal amount."
"Yay!" Tenna grinned. "How long will that take, you think?"
Devi's eyes darkened at the abysmal concept of time. With as many setbacks as she had had thus far, it could be months and months before Johnny might have a decent grasp on his sanity, and even then, he's so incompetent that she might need to keep checking in on him long after that. Years, even.
"That's not a good face." Tenna commented, and Devi grunted at the floor again.
"A WHILE." Devi answered finally, before stalking to the kitchen to get the wireless receiver for her house phone. She preferred her headset, usually, but right now gripping something in her fist was all that she could do to keep her anger from exploding out of her in curse words and banshee screams. Devi returned to the couch to sit in a bitter slouch.
"I think..." She hesitated. "I think I'm going to... call him."
The women exchanged uneasy glances, both aware of what happened the last time Devi placed a phone call to the C. residence. Neither had the gall to say as much, though. With only an uncomfortable stare as response from her companion, Devi turned her attention back to the phone and punched in the number that she hated to admit she had memorized.
–
MEANWHILE:
Johnny had not moved beyond adjusting his laying position from his stomach onto his side. He stared apathetically at the unplugged television set on the opposite wall, listening to the creaking of his dilapidated house and any sounds outside as a source of audio for the static he was imagining on the screen. Or maybe his vision was getting spotty, he wasn't sure.
Emotions were so exhausting to deal with, and while he hadn't slept in months, bawling his lungs out always made him more tired than anything else could. Johnny had fought the urge to let his body completely rest since he'd collapsed on the couch days ago, but it seemed like he was finally loosing that internal battle. Sleep was consuming his body whole; from his torso all the way out to the ends of his fingers, his worthless machine felt tired, tired, tired.
A few slow blinks eased his mind closer to unconsciousness, but just as his eyelids settled closed, an abrupt Ringgg! stirred his brain back to life. The exhaustion he felt just a second prior drained out of him like gunky water as he realized the sound he was hearing was his telephone.
Johnny sat up and stared at where the phone sat on the other side of the room, and through his surprise managed to chastise himself for having even an inkling of hope that it might be her. Why on Earth would she call him? No, there was just no possible way that it would be Devi.
As he crossed the room, he convinced himself that the wobbling feeling in his legs was a result of not standing for a long time, and not nervousness. The phone seemed impatient, its shrill chiming coming off as more aggressive the longer that Johnny did not answer the call. He stood, heels together, watching the receiver rattle on its perch with growing anxiety.
Despite his quick dismissals over the identity of the caller being Devi, he could not imagine who else would be calling him. And to add to that, if it really was Devi, did he have anything he could say that could remedy the massive divide between them that he had only served to widen with his careless behavior? He doubted so.
Still, he picked up the phone and held it to his ear.
"...Hello?"
Johnny could not see the relief on the caller's face that his 'hello' was not followed by a gunshot and screaming.
"...Hi." Devi spoke finally. Johnny's eyes grew large as her voice reached him, and his throat closed up from dread. Whatever she had to say to him, he had little doubt that it was anything less than malicious, and he couldn't bear to hear her say that she never wanted to see him again, or to go jump off a bridge – he might actually do just that, in fact, if she told him to. But his fear restrained him from speaking or hanging up, leaving him the only option of standing there wordlessly.
Devi scowled the longer the silence stretched on.
"Are you there, Johnny?" She gnashed, and Johnny's spine straightened from the impatience in her voice that only thinly covered the anger hiding beneath it.
"Yes." He replied quickly, then allowed the call to go quiet again. He could hear a sigh growl out from Devi's throat.
"Listen," Devi kept her anger at a simmer. "I am going to give you one fucking chance to talk to me about what... happened. Are you willing to do that?"
Johnny sucked in a breath. He was in disbelief – could he really be so fortunate as to be offered such an opportunity? He never had such luck!
"Y-Yes!" He exclaimed. "Yes, I, I would like to do that very much."
"Good." Devi wanted to keep this short, lest she explode.
"I am going to be... at the convenience store, near Dragon's Books. You remember the one?" She asked, and Johnny hurriedly affirmed. She hesitated a moment, doubting whether she had the stomach to do this, but reassured herself for the umpteenth time that she did. "Oh-kay. I will be there at 9:00PM. Do not be late."
She said it like it was more of a threat than a request, but Johnny didn't care. Through his immense fear he was elated – Devi still wanted to meet with him! Even if it might just be a rouse to lure him out so she could beat him to death in an alley, he would eagerly go.
"I'll... see you there!" Johnny nearly gasped. Devi's lip curled bitterly.
"...Yeah. I'll see you there." She parroted back to him, then hung up.
The dial tone finalized the deal for both of them. Each looked to their respective clocks, and winced that 9:00PM was only two short hours away.
–
8:45PM:
Devi crushed another handful of chips between her teeth, demanding that her body emit the kind of grim energy that repelled weaker-willed humans away from her in uneasy terror. Her back pushed discontentedly against the bricked wall of the Grab n' Go, where she stood in the shadow that its fluorescent sign cast against the corner of the building.
She ignored any anxiety that she felt from the idea of seeing Johnny again, and focused instead on feeding her vindictive anger – if she was mad, than she couldn't be afraid, pure and simple. And he wasn't something to be scared of if she was expecting him to do something stupid and violent, anyway. He wouldn't catch her lowering her guard again, that was for sure.
The coughing of a neglected engine caught her attention, and she watched a small grey car turn into the parking lot, its round headlights scanning across the ashfalt like a pair of shifting eyes. Devi frowned, vaguely recognizing it as Johnny's car. The vehicle stopped abruptly, as if it noticed her, then quickly turned into the parking space at the very end of the store's front, the spot closest to her. As the headlights died, Devi's suspicions were confirmed. Johnny's blackened figure stared back at her a moment with a mixture of longing and hesitation, before he began fumbling with his car door.
Johnny stepped out and clicked his door shut, then turned to the woman on the curb glaring at him. All he could do was stand there lamely.
Maybe saying that he would 'eagerly' meet her was a step without forethought. While he was certainly eager, he was also immensely frightened of her and her ability to remove herself from his life if he said the wrong thing – and he wasn't exactly known for saying the right thing.
He intertwined his fingers behind his back, then thought better of it, not wanting Devi to think he was hiding a weapon, and moved his hands back to his sides, choosing to pick at the fraying seams of his pants to calm him instead. Johnny reminded himself that it was Devi that had suggested this encounter, and tried to ride that wave of assurance, along with all the courage that he could muster, as he walked to meet her. He stopped a few feet in front of her and waited a moment before speaking.
"Hello, Devi."
Devi didn't reply, and only continued glaring at him. Her eyes fell to the pavement, tired of looking at him, and focused on the cracks that spread underneath her boots instead. Johnny shrunk slightly, but tried to take some solace in the fact that she hadn't screamed at him. He stepped around to her side, and leaned up against the wall with her, leaving a respectable distance between them. After a tense few moments, Devi could no longer keep herself from saying something.
"I can't believe you fucking did that." Devi fumed quietly. Johnny sunk his head low into his collar, too afraid to reply.
The silence persisted after her comment, and Johnny could only guess what she was thinking. He had been so excited to see her again, but he also knew that Devi's desire to see him was self-preservative in nature. His life posed an immediate risk to her own, so of course she would want to see him, want to know what he's doing. He desperately wanted to say something to ease her concerns, anything that could garner some of her trust back, but he knew that whatever he said would come off as superficial and empty to Devi's jagged and hard-to-impress nature. Not that he could blame her, he would surely think the same.
Idly, Johnny dragged the side his boot on the sidewalk, letting the faint sound of scratching metal lull him into his mind. It wasn't exactly the safest place to be, but he needed to think over his words carefully for such a delicate situation. Words like "sorry" and "regret" and "remorse" all sounded so pathetically small in the face of his violent actions, and would likely only anger his companion further.
Devi's breath seemed more labored suddenly, and Johnny stopped his movements, fearful that he was aggravating her by making any sound at all. He hesitantly lifted his gaze up to her face, and was relieved that she was looking at a far-off dumpster instead of pointing her icy eyes at him. Even if they weren't directed at him, Johnny couldn't help staring at her green irises, having to strain with all his might to see their color in the shadowed area of the parking lot.
He watched her pupils narrow and twitch in response to the thoughts in her head, and the strength that flickered in them made his chest tighten. While he couldn't boast that he ever knew exactly what she was thinking even when they were friends, he had loved seeing the attitude that swirled in her bright eyes. Whether it was a level of annoyance, or anger, or excitement, or mischievousness, it never mattered; the fire behind that glint was always the same, and it always made him feel the same, too. Even now, when the white-hot anger cradled inside them was reserved for him, he could only feel adoration.
Johnny dropped his focus to his shoes again with a painfully quiet sigh. Devi was always full of such beautiful, vibrant life, and he couldn't believe that he would be so selfish as to try and extinguish it not once, but twice. With that thought, his mind wandered to the memories of their half-wonderful, half-horrible date, and his heart squeezed and expanded with the intense emotion that he had failed so miserably at removing from his body.
As he navigated all of the feelings he recalled from that time, his thoughts began pouring from his mouth absentmindedly.
"The... morning after our failed outing..." He murmured, gathering Devi's attention without notice. "I woke up, surrounded by blood and glass. My memory was very foggy, but I did remember that I tried to attack you..."
Devi frowned, irritated that he would bring up that night, but couldn't interject before Johnny continued.
"I've never been so afraid. I was so terrified that I'd killed you, or horribly wounded you. I ran to the TV room, and the front door was wide open, and I could see your car was gone." He hesitated a moment, his voice threatening to hitch.
"I felt such overwhelming relief. You were safe – alive. None of the blood on me was anyone's but my own. But the relief was fleeting... I was consumed with unimaginable sorrow as I stood there. Your car was gone – you were gone. Everything that was between us before, was gone too."
The confession surprised Devi, to a degree, and she remained quiet, curious to see where he was going with this particular tangent.
"Surely you hated me." Johnny nodded his head in her direction, fully aware that he was speaking to her now. "How could you not hate me? And that had been what I wanted so badly to stop from happening... I never wanted there to be a time I could look back on, and know without a doubt you were upset with me, or I was upset with you. I never wanted your anger or sadness directed at me. I never wanted to know with absolute certainty that there was ill-will from you to I, or vice versa."
Johnny swallowed. He was nervous to attempt this explanation again, seeing as his lengthy talking had pissed Devi off often in the past.
"You see... the idea was that... if I killed you then, that your affection would always be there for me. That the happiness we both felt in that moment would never be tainted with petty fighting – your smile, your laugh, your warmth, all of that would be mine to look back on and remember that joy can really be holistic. That the happiness you gave me will always be untouched by ugly feelings, like betrayal or grief or rage."
His body tightened, every nerve ending he had aware of the furious stare Devi was burying into his temple. Ignoring his heart's frantic palpitations, he pushed on, begging that his remorse would be enough to calm her rage.
"But now... I'm so grateful that you are alive to hate me." The sentence alone was enough to confuse Devi out of her raw anger, and Johnny felt himself relax enough to feel his anguish properly.
"Even if my memories of you now are so bittersweet; all the times you smiled at me and the talks we shared, yes, they are quickly followed by the pain I feel knowing that you despise me... but I would bear this agony for an eternity if it meant that you would still be alive. Regardless of your feelings for me, you are still the person I admire and respect most of all, you know. The painful reminders that your tenderness for me is long departed doesn't, and cannot, change that, and I've learned that because of you and your insistence to live – live regardless of what anyone else has to say about it!"
He calmed himself a moment, still cautious about expressing himself too wildly tonight.
"My actions before... they were selfish. So selfish – I knew that, and I didn't care. But I think now, that while I knew that, I don't think I understood it, until I had to live with the fact that you loathe my very existence."
Johnny finally garnered the courage to look Devi in the eyes, and he didn't allow himself even a second to digest the intimidation he felt from the act, instead demanding that he continue his apology before he lost the words again.
"You are such a strong person, Devi. Your love and hate burn with such an intensity, I can only be envious of it. You are rigid in your passions – your work motivates you, and in turn your steadfastness protected your work. You are the perfect example of what I can only piss and cry about wanting to be."
"And no pain in this world could be worse than the idea that you would cease to exist. No glass impeded in my face, no bullets through my skull, could ever possibly hurt more than the mere concept that you could be gone."
"I am very limited in facets when it comes to stubbornness like yours, but one thing I'm sure of, is that I'd vehemently agree to continuously fail, continuously hurt, forever, if it meant that you are alive, Devi. When you look at me, and I can see the energy and emotion and life flaring inside of your eyes, I am reminded of my biggest failures – the worst of my mistakes, the biggest slips of foresight – and it brings me such an intense feeling of relief. It makes not sense, and yet, it makes more sense than anything on Earth!! Failure should make you feel bad, but when the result is you being unharmed, I am happy!"
Johnny could feel that he was starting to monologue uncontrollably, and had to literally clench his jaw shut to stop the rantings from growing louder and more crazed. Devi was still staring at him, and he couldn't read her expression aside from the fact that she wasn't mad. This was as good a time as any to apologize, he supposed.
"...I know forgiveness is about as likely as it's always been, but I still want to say that I'm very sorry for trying to stab you with a pen. You see now why I was so insistent on voiding myself of all feelings. I'm still too selfish, and I still lose myself in my anger more than I would like to admit... I was so foolish; I had started fantasizing that, maybe, we could be friends again. I knew it was very unlikely, but I still let myself get carried off in the daydream that you might still, I don't know, enjoy my company... Hearing the facts about our er, relationship, just upset me. N-Not that I blame you for that, of course, it's just that I'm so... well you know, not good with— ugh, I am bad at explaining."
Johnny slumped against the wall. Despite the exhaustion he felt from releasing so many feel-y words at once, it did feel sort-of good at the same time. Much more satisfying for the soul than his ill-fated phone call apology months back. Devi watched him until she was sure he was done talking, then crossed her arms and leaned back more comfortably while she debated how to respond.
She wasn't really expecting anything articulate from him, and had, in fact, intended to shut him down if he dared to try spewing more of his fake-wisdom bullshit about feelings and human nature, but this time it felt... kind of genuine. Kind of. She wasn't going to give him too much credit.
"And um," Johnny mumbled. "I forgot to say, uh, I'm very grateful that you would meet with me tonight... I didn't expect you to offer me the chance to speak, either, so..."
Devi rolled her eyes with a hint of amusement in her exacerbation.
"Oh, can it already, would you?" She turned to him, and Johnny immediately quieted himself, though more do to the fact that Devi's voice had since softened from the last time she spoke.
Devi observed his unassuming and nervous posture, and instead of again feeling rage that he would try to appear meek, felt some level of pride that he truly was so intimidated by her. She had insistently told herself that, when it came to Johnny, the power imbalance was in her favor, but after his little confession, she was more secure in that belief. It did make her feel slightly at ease, though she refused to lower her guard all the same. Even if he didn't mean to hurt her, he still tried to, after all. It might even be worse that his violent outbursts are triggered by his feelings, regardless of if he actually wants the bloody, end result or not – but that was just something to file away as an important note, and didn't change the fact that he would be coming back to her apartment again.
She uncrossed one of her arms and offered him her bag of chips, almost nonchalantly. Johnny blinked in surprise at the gesture, and flickered his eyes between her and the bag hesitantly a few times before sticking his hand inside and taking a palmful of chips out. Part of him imagined that she had set a mousetrap inside to snap on his fingers, or something.
"Well," Devi sighed to the sky while he munched away. "you ready to pick up where we left off?"
Johnny stopped mid-chew, staring at her in shock. He swallowed quickly.
"Wh—r-really??" He asked. "You would really want to, to continue mentoring me??"
Devi smiled smugly.
"If I'm supposed to believe what you're saying, than your emotions are so intense that even when you respect someone, you can't stop yourself from resorting to violence if they upset you. Your 'fight or flight' instinct is too much for you to control, as it is now." She tilted her head to him. "Which means we've got a lot of work to do."
Johnny smiled, smothering the remaining chips in his hand unintentionally, as his fist tightened against his chest with elation. He could barely absorb her words with his brain buzzing the way it was, but he nodded madly all the same,
"Yes! Yes, I'm ready!" He grinned. "Can we go now?"
Devi's mouth slanted, eyebrows raised in surprise.
"What?" She asked. "No, not tonight, you nutcase."
"Why not??" He pushed, smile still sprawled up to his cheeks. "We could go, and keep it short—!"
"HEY." Devi huffed, sticking a finger aggressively between his eyes. Johnny's mouth shut, his eyes crossed to stare at her pointed nail hovering just over the bend of his nose, only uncrossing when she spoke again.
"I'm going to be way harder on you now, so don't get all comfy on me, Johnny." She retracted her hand, then offered another slit of a smile. "And I need a night to sleep on your stupid-ass apology before I even think of helping you along. Just, come over tomorrow night, 'kay?"
Even with all the insults, Johnny couldn't stop his smile from bursting back to life.
"Okay!" He beamed. "Okay, I will see you tomorrow night! 6:00PM, yes?"
"Yes." Devi groaned, shaking her head with the faint remnants of a smile, and returned to her car. She needed a fucking nap. Johnny finally unfurled his fist, shoving the remaining chip crumbs into his mouth and waving goodbye to her enthusiastically as she drove off.