Should Not Fall Deeply

Chapter 3
Moving Out

"Wala ka talagang silbi kahit kailan. You're just like your mother. Mga walang kwenta na hindi marunong magsisunod!"

For three years, I thought the harsh words from my father won't be able to penetrate the walls I've created to protect myself. I thought that since I've been able to escape, I'd be strong. I laughed bitterly. Mali ako. Kahit pala ngayong akala ko kakayanin ko na, isang masakit na salita niya lang ay nadudurog ako. Kasi alam ko na kung saan man ako pumunta, kahit anong gawin ko, ramdam ko ang sakit ng mga salita kapag galing sa kanya.

"Ano? Ngayong tingin mo may napatunayan ka na ay magyayabang ka? You're just the powerless Iris I wll crash whenever you try to stand up."

"Nagsisisi akong maging anak ka. You're useless and stupid!"

His words made me feel that it's all true. Totoo na wala akong kwenta, totoo na isa akong kahihiyan sa pamilya namin.. totoo na nakakapagsisi ako. If I was disappointing too much, then why have they decided to let me live in this world? Sana ipinalaglag na lang nila ako kasi hirap na hirap na akong maging parte ng pamilyang ito. Ang hirap maging anak nila. Ang hirap gumising sa araw-araw na ipararamdam niya sa akin kung gaano siya nagsisisi maging anak ako. It's so hard to begin another day of being envious of those who have a complete happy family. Mayroong nanay, tatay at masasayang anak. Samantalang ako, hanggang hiling lang ang magagawa.

"The only thing I want you to do is to behave yourself! Sinabi ko naman sa'yong malapit na natin iannounce ang kasal mo! Anong sasabihin ng mga tao, lalo na ang iyong mapapangasawa, ngayong kitang-kita nilang akay ka ng isang lalaki?! Sa club pa kayo galing? Gamitin mo ang utak mo, Iris!" Itinuro niya ako sa nangingitngit na ngipin.

My family's defined by other's perception. Iyon ang isang bagay na napagtanto ko sa buong buhay ko. I hate that. I hate the feeling that we need to explain ourselves for something we do or else it will destroy us.

Tinitigan ko siya diretso sa mga mata. I stood up as I wiped my tears. Wala ito sa sakit na dinanas ko noon. I can endure. I will. I have not suffered for twenty four years just so his words right now could tear me down.

"I am not your puppet," ani ko sa nanginginig na boses. "I am not a pawn in this game that you'd sacrifice to get what you want. You want me to marry your business partner's son because that will provide more security in your empire? Fuck you! Kung gusto mo ng kasal, wala kang mahihita sa akin!"

Isang sampal muli ang iginawad niya sa akin.

I clenched my jaw as I tasted the bitterness in my system. He was a businessman before he was a father. No, he wasn't even a father at all. Ni minsan hindi ko naramdaman na nagpakaama siya sa amin.

Nang tignan ko siya ay namumula na siya sa galit. "Pinalaki't pinag-aral kita tapos ito ang igaganti mo sa akin?! Kung sana ay hinayaan na lang kitang ipalaglag ng nanay mo!"

Doon ako nagulat. Mama... wanted to abort me? Bakit hindi ko alam iyon? Napamaang ako. I get it, though. She should've done that. Dapat ginawa na niya noong may pagkakataon siya. Hindi na sana siya naghirap sa kamay ni Daddy. She wouldn't experience mental and physical abuse, manipulation and she wouldn't have do to his biddings. Even if it means I wouldn't be alive in this world.

"You're such a disgrace to this family! Bakit ba naging anak pa kita?"

The situation forced me to move out. Dad's constant mental abuse is exhausting. He suffocates me. He drains my energy. He keeps on silencing me and I keep on trying to let my voice be heard. He treats me like a slave whose actions and voice should have a limitation. That is something I utterly despise. I don't expect him to treat me as his daughter, but I want him to at least respect me as a human being.