Let me hide

       I was supposed to wear something nice. Well nice to the extent that it's not my normal sweats and a sweatshirt. 

I get dressed and do my makeup before bracing myself to go downstairs. I can hear people so I know that people are already here. I probably should have gotten ready earlier but it doesn't matter now. 

When I get the courage I go downstairs. I don't really recognize many people or really anybody other than my brothers. 

There's food. I know that in order not to faint or almost kill myself I have to eat at least a little something. I do eat a little something from time to time. I decide to have some fruit today that way my brothers see me eat. Marcus might back off then. 

I have to brace myself for the fact that in a day and a half Dylan will be entering the school building with us. To say I was scared was an understatement. I'm sure he'd see that my grades are slipping because they are. 

A lot of people are congratulating my brother. I just don't know why he would want to counsel teenagers every day. I think he did it because he used to be like 'how am I going to raise teenagers' so he's trying to brace his own self. 

Our parents are no help, they just send money and think everything is fine. My mom is obsessed with making her Inn the best it can be and my dad is doing what he never thought he would do. He's branching out and building more diners because he feels as though others should experience the heavenly experience of his food. His words.

Today I'm putting a smile on my face. I'm going to pretend that everything is okay, for Dylan. I'm not bringing his day down. There are some selfish people out there and I am not one of them. I won't put myself first. My brothers before me. 

Putting all my thoughts away I decide to join everybody instead of just sitting around. I make my way to the group of people but I don't speak. I don't know anyone to talk to anyone. 

I eventually maneuvered through the people and sat on the couch. It wasn't really fun for me. I was proud of my brother and he deserved the world but I would have rather celebrated with the family. My parents didn't even call, probably too busy. I'm so done with them. 

The only connection they have to us is this house and money. Their names might be on my birth certificate but as far as I'm concerned Dylan is my father. 

My mother was never there when I needed her. When I got my first period, I had to deal with it alone. To this day my parents and my brothers probably still don't know I even got it. I pay for my own pads and do my own laundry so they probably literally have no idea. 

Emptiness. Lewis Capaldi once said it kills me how your mind can make you feel so worthless. Its true my mind does make me feel worthless. The ticking in my head tells me to be smart, but there's a voice. It speaks to me. 

I know that makes me sound crazy but it really does speak to me. I go to do something and it stops me. It makes me feel self-conscious or wrong. It makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty when I intrude on my brothers or when they stay home because I'm too something to go out. 

I feel like everything is my fault. Even if it's not, I feel it is. I don't know if it was my friends leaving me. The only thing I did to them was one day show up in a bad mood and asked to be left alone. How can you take offense to someone having a bad day if they didn't even yell at you? I literally politely asked if I could be left alone, and suddenly I'm the bad guy. 

Nobody knows about my fallouts except maybe Marcus. He goes to school with me, its kinda hard not to miss. Sometimes people make fun of me, but he doesn't stick up for me. Ever.