insomnia hotline? choi yeonjun

chapter sixteen.
first love.

"she has a crush on a guy, mom!" yunseok yelled out loud. i then hurriedly covered his mouth and pinned him down, "shush!" i whispered, nervous that mom would scold me.

"you should focus on studying! that's essential! love is not essential!" mom yelled back from the bathroom, i swear she'll come and hit me later when she's done bathing. her broken and bitter heart would never understand the way i feel now for yEONJUN!!

"i don't want to regret letting you go," yeonjun answered, and my heart started racing to the point that i felt like my brain was also beating. i gulped on my saliva in hopes of reducing the nervousness that's piled up but it didn't. i even feel like choking on my own saliva now.

i'm still hreartbroken over soobin, but why do i feel this way? i don't want to feel this way yet. i don't want to admitㅡ

"choi yeonjun is essential!!"

ㅡthat i'm still not over those feelings.

"i.." i finally spoke after a few seconds of i don't know how many. damn it! i can't even continue my 'i', now i sound like a complete dumbfuck. what am i supposed to reply to that? THANKS?

i smiled to yeonjun but it obviously looks like i'm pushing it. yeonjun suddenly blushed, scratching the back of his head, which is like his most favorite habit of all time. he looked away and chuckled, sayingㅡ "sorry, that sounded weird, right?" he asked, shy.

i nodded, "yeah.." then scratched the back of my head too, looking away. now we look like the most awkward pair of friends in the whole universe, both mirroring the action of the other.

this reminds me.. of that day.

"it's.. raining again," yeonjun mumbled, looking away from me. i blushed and also looked away, and to the ground where a puddle had started to form. "it always rains." i replied.

"give me a sec," yeonjun told me, getting inside their house. i took a little peek inside their house and it looked really cozy inside, but it's just going to be in my imagination to be able to enter there.

the day we met, it was raining. and i guess.. raining is what brings us together?

i'm here because it just suddenly poured when we were 'playing' hide and seek with some other friends at the playground near yeonjun's street. so the others ran to their homes while my anxious self just decided to stay here and not risk myself from slipping and dying alone on my way home, so here i currently am, under the shade of the entrance at yeonjun's house.

yeonjun came back in a flash, startling me as he opens the door again. he was now wearing a jacket, and he also had another jacket on his hands. "h-here." he gave it to me, and i accepted, putting it over my shoulder with my heart beating fast.

yeonjun had stood beside me again, just so i wouldn't be alone here outside. "say, you wouldn't want to borrow my umbrella and go home, right?" he asked. my mind went blank, thinking, does he want me to leave?

"why?"

"i.. nothing. i just think we should wait for the rain to stop," he replied, "then you can.. go home." he continued in a mumble, which made me chuckle out of the blue. i just found it really cute because.. this means that he wants me to stay, right?

everything is so heart fluttering right here, right now. the noise of the rain pouring to the ground, the paddle filling up little by little, the way i'm about to freeze to death right now yet having yeonjun's jacket on me. i feel like it's just perfect.

but there was never confrontation, or a confession about how we felt about each other. so i was just always confusedㅡ caught up between assuming that i had a one-sided crush on him, and assuming that he likes me back the way i like him.

nobody asked, and nobody showed any sign of curiousness, so we'd have looked really dumb if we just secretly liked each other then.

"hey!ㅡ" yeonjun suddenly called me out. i got surprised at his sudden exclamation so i looked at him, slightly distancing my upper body as we continued walking, "ㅡi mean uhh. hey. remember that day?" he brought up.

i raised both my brows with excitement starting to slowly build up inside of me, "what day?" i asked, expecting that he'd talk about the day i just flashed back into earlier.

"the day it rained." he answered, giggling softly uncontrollably.

"that's a lot of days, yeonjun." i replied with a soft giggle as well.

"you know.. likeㅡ the day it rained while playing hide and seek. and everybody ran away, while you and i stayed behind." he answered in complete detail. that's how it went.. yeah.

"that day!" i excitedly pointed my index finger to him, "we looked at each other for a fast few seconds then started running as well!" i continued to story-tell with him. then he started laughing more, and so did i.

our laughter stopped at one point, and he didn't continue to tell the story. i was wondering if he was having the same thoughts as i am right now. and it got confirmed soon after a few seconds of pause between the two of us.

"..i just randomly held your hand that day, so don't get me wrong." he excused himself.

when it rained, we stared at each other first with our brains still loading. and then he got a hold of my wrist, pulling me to run together with him to the direction of his homeㅡinstead of going on my way, to my house, by myself.

"don't get you wrong on what?" i asked, chuckling.

yeonjun suddenly didn't answer, which made me look like an idiot for asking. i chuckled and just tried to move on coolly, "alright then!" i tried putting back the vibe we had earlier.

but then yeonjun clicked his tongue, looking at the sky, "ah, there's no use in denying is anymore, right?" he asked himself out loud before looking at me.

what?

"this is a confession right now," he smiled softly, then proceeded to sayㅡ "i liked you a lot back then."

if you need help, reach out to family, friends, mental health professionals, or a local helpline.