insomnia hotline? choi yeonjun

chapter zero.
insomnia?

"i.. i have something to tell you," yeonjun scratched the back of his head. he looks nervous so i started feeling nervous too. but, well, i've been feeling nervous ever since earlier anyway. he's looking at the ground, and thankfully we're the same height, so i could see his face.

is he going to confess that he likes me? has he been keeping it a secret all this time? these questions started flooding inside my head, and i started drowning in my own thoughts. i always thought that there was something going on between yeonjun and i- and now is the time to reveal our feelings for each other!

i pursed my lips, i can't explain the excitement i'm feeling right now. i'm just so ready to hear him say it! i've been imagining this scene in my head countless of times now.

"my family is moving," he said, almost in a whisper because he feels.. bad for me? my heart shattered into pieces but i still felt a little overwhelmed to actually process his words in my head. his family is what? moving?

"what do you mean?" i asked. what he just said is literally the last thing that was on my list of expected words- heck, it isn't even in the list! HIS FAMILY IS WHAT, YOU SAY? then does this mean he's moving as well? "b-but.." i panicked. i need to tell him my feelings real quick, so maybe he'll come back for me, or reconsider and rebel against his parents!

i wasn't planning to say the three words 'i like you' at such a weird circumstance. i started mentally preparing myself to say these words, since yeonjun had went silent after saying his line.

i took my breath of courage, with hopes that he'd say it together with me, in unison. but then..

he turned his back and ran away.

i went speechless.. i'm dumped, right?

i sigh as i toss and turn on my bed. that's just how it ended.

that's how my middle school love ended.

after that day, yeonjun didn't go to school and the homeroom teacher just announced that he already transferred out to a new school. i couldn't contact him since we weren't that close to give cellphone numbers, and plus, i didn't have a phone back then. only cool kids had those stuff.

it's been four years? but i feel like there's still a space in my heart just for choi yeonjun in case he comes back. it feels like i'm done with him but since it doesn't hurt to keep waiting, i just keep waiting.

"go yunhee.. she keeps acting cute for guys. i hate her so much." i click my tongue as i remember the most iconic lines said about me back in middle school. i was famous back then for being insanely cute, but no guy was a match for how attractive yeonjun was, he was the best guy out there. and since i committed all my effort to charm him, the other guys found me a turn-off, and the girls found me annoying to be around with. but who cares? i was too in love with yeonjun to care about what anybody felt.

but all of that crumbled into pieces. everything i had spent my time on, all to waste as yeonjun leaves me all alone. after the day we talked in private? that's when i had realized that i was suddenly an outcast. no friends to hang out with or talk to.

so to turn all of that shit around, i decided to change things, and that includes my whole being. because in high school, i started being a boyish chick, but take note, it's just for the clout! when else are going to see a cute girl being all manly and shit? it worked! all the boys automatically swarmed around me, and i got friends again.

"choi soobin." i tell myself. that's the name i've been loving and hating today. soobin's a guy who escalated from boy best friend to best boyfriend. yep. you read that right, best boyfriend! he's- my boyfriend today- and he's.. sweet, kind, respectful, open-minded,

and,

"a cheater."

i let out a sharp sigh as i throw my pillow to the ground. "fuck my life." i curse at myself, letting out a chuckle. just when i thought my messed up life was starting to get better- my boyfriend, soobin, decides to cheat on me with the girl in next class, park eunbin, that bitch. she's not even better than me aside from being really fucking confident (as a hoe).

this is basically how i started getting insomnia. from overthinking, asking why i'm always getting the fuckside of things when i'm just trying my best to live a normal life.

i look at the clock and it's already 2:54 am, knowing that i have to get up in a few hours to go to school. i chuckle to myself, i'm so sleepy but my head won't stop running. so i resort to asking myself again ㅡ "why am i so bad at living?"

if you need help, reach out to family, friends, mental health professionals, or a local helpline.