Days went by in a blur, filled to the brim with planning for the wedding and, ahem, stress relieving.
There was one thing that never left
Y/n's mind, even as she decided what dress she was to wear.
Alois hasn't once let her pleasure him as he had done for her many times now. Was this normal? For her to be the only one receiving? The one time she had offered Alois had gotten upset and ended the session.
Was she not good enough?
Doubts clouded her mind as she stared into the mirror, the seamstress finishing up her wedding dress.
"Is it not to your liking, Mistress?" The seamstress asked nervously, stepping back from the block Y/n stood on, noticing the displeased look on her face.
Y/n snapped back into reality and focused on the mirror, taking in her appearance.
"I like it, its beautiful." Y/n responded after a moment. The seamstress smiled, relieved.
"I'll ready the bill for you then, Mistress." With that the seamstress walked over to her several bags she had brought, sifting through them until she found what she was looking for.
"Leave the bill with Yuma please, you're dismissed." Y/n said, looking down at her dress in distress, her mind wondering back to the problem at hand.
"Yes, of course." The seamstress handed the bill to the handsome butler, blushing as she scurried out of the room, bags in hand.
"What ever is the matter Mistress?" Yuma asked, looking over the bill, "I assume you want me to give this to Alois?"
"Yuma, I'm... sexually desirable, right?" Y/n asked, feeling her cheeks grow hot from the question.
Yuma looked up in surprise.
Excuse me?
Just answer, please..
"Well, I personally don't see you that way," Yuma drawled, walking over to his mistress, inspecting her gown, "but to other men, yes."
"Then why.." Y/n paused, regretting even bringing this topic up. She shouldn't be relying on Yuma to help solve every problem she ever comes across.
Yuma placed a warm hand on Y/n's head and smiled reassuringly at her when she looked up at him. Y/n knew what he was saying even without him voicing it.
It's okay, you can trust me. There's no need to be embarrassed, I will never judge you.
Y/n took a deep breath, feeling a bit better after Yuma's silent reassurance.
"I'm having doubts about.. about if Alois truly loves me. He showers me with.. 'attention' but gets upset whenever I want to return the favor. Is that normal?"
Yuma hummed in thought, keeping a comforting hand atop Y/n's head.
"When you say attention, you mean sexually, yes?"
Y/n nodded, refusing to let herself become any more embarrassed than she already was.
Yuma has always been her caretaker, better than her own father. She can trust him.
"Well, all I can really say is that everyone is different. Master Alois may just not like being on the receiving end of that kind of affection."
"But he loves to cuddle and hug?" Y/n pondered, even more confused. Yuma gave her an exasperated smile.
"Yes, but that is different. Why don't you try asking him first before you start doubting whether he loves you because of this?" Yuma smoothed out Y/n's hair in a loving manner.
Y/n stood there in thought before she nodded in determination.
"You're right! I'll go ask him now!" With that, Y/n hopped off the block she stood on and fled the room.
"Wait!- Mistress!- and she's gone." Yuma laughed. In her haste to leave, Y/n had failed to realise she still wore her wedding dress.
Yuma continued to laugh to himself long after Y/n was gone.
Oh well, who believed that it's bad luck to see the bride in her dress before the ceremony anyway?
Meanwhile, Y/n stormed into Alois' study, still not realising her mistake.
"Alois, I'd like a moment with you."
Alois smiled and looked up, his eyes widening when they landed on her. He gasped, shielding his gaze.
"Why are you wearing that?!"
"Hmm? Wearing what?" Y/n looked down, taking in her dress. "Oh, my wedding dress?"
"Yes!"
"Well the seamstress just finished it and I needed to talk to you so I didn't bother taking it off."
Alois dropped his head to his desk, a loud thump sounding.
"Darling, it's bad luck for me to see you in that right now."
"But I really need to talk to you."
Alois heard the distress in his fiancee's voice and slowly looked up at her, more worried about her health than superstition.
"What's wrong my love?" Alois asked, his icy blue eyes filled to the brim with concern.
Y/n walked closer to him, her cheeks heating up at the topic she was about to bring up.
"You know how.." She trailed off, not sure how to continue. Alois smiled softly and grabbed her hand, bringing it up to his mouth so that he could place a soft kiss to her knuckles.
"Go on, my love."
"Well, when we do," Y/n paused, gathering up the confidence and courage she needs, "sexual things," she hated herself for sounding so awkward but Alois said nothing about it which made her feel a bit better. He gestured for her to continue, which she did.
"You never ask for anything in return. I believed that I was supposed to please you as well but that doesn't seem to be the case..."
Alois stared at Y/n, his warm and caring gaze turning dull and expressionless.
Y/n forced herself to stay calm under his cold gaze.
"Oh."
"Oh?" Y/n questioned, her heart hammering against his ribs.
Alois leaned back in his chair, sighing heavily.
(WARNING: There is mentions of past abuse ahead, though I tried not to go into to much detail please read with discretion my lovely readers, I would hate to trigger any of you.)
"The truth is," Alois smiled but there was no joy on his face, just cold emptiness, "I dont deserve what you desire to give me. I'm disgusting, and I've already tainted you. But you deserve the world, Y/n. You deserve anything and everything I have to offer. But you do not want me, not after everything I've done."
Y/n's breath hitched at his explanation, at the self hate that dripped from every word.
"But I do want you," Y/n murmured, gripping Alois' hand tightly, "I want you to feel good too."
Alois let out a bitter laugh.
"No you don't. I've been with countless men and women from a young age. My purity was ripped from me, I'm.. unclean."
Y/n paused, letting his words sink in. Then tears bubbled up once she truly realised the meaning behind his words.
"Alois, were you-?"
"Yes. See, darling, I don't deserve you."
"Yes you do, what happened back then was not your fault. You're not unclean or disgusting. You're caring and loving, and a bit moody," Alois let out a small laugh at that and Y/n smiled, "and most importantly, you're the love of my life. I don't care about your past, I just want you."
Alois stood up and brought Y/n into a hug, hiding his face from her. Though nothing could hide the small tremor in his voice as he said, "Alright, I'll try, just for you, I'll try."
Its been so long, I'm so sorry! I hope this chapter was worth the long wait. Love you all!
Ciao!~