Frieza chomped down on the ramen noodles, slurping the dish up like there was no tomorrow. Inwardly, he grits his teeth. He was a ruler! He was better than this! However, despite every instinct telling him to slow down, his body refused to listen. Frieza devoured the dish like a man possessed, uncaring of the looks the others were giving him or the damn smirks of some of those idiot monkeys!!!
"Not a word," the dictator threatened.
"Of course," Vegeta smirked as he pointed to his chin. "You have a little something on your face."
Frieza glared as he took a napkin and wiped a stray noodle off his chin.
The disclaimer plays
Kaiserneko: The following is a fan-based parody. DragonBall, DragonBall Z, and DragonBall GT are all owned by FUNimation, TOEI Animation, Fuji TV, and Akira Toriyama. Please support the official release.
Vegeta (laughs maniacally): He's gone! He's finally gone! I'm so happy right now! I might not even slaughter you all!
Bulma gives Vegeta a look. "You make it sound like Christmas has come early."
"Well this version of Nappa was really annoying," Vegeta defended. "You can hardly blame me."
Krillin: Re-Really?
Vegeta (laughter dies down): Oh no, you're all thoroughly screwed.
Vegeta grunts. "I was so close if it wasn't for you all cheap shotting me. Honestly, don't you all have any honor?"
"You just killed all our friends," Krillin deadpanned.
"And I didn't try to use sneak attacks!" Goku said.
"That's not really the point dad," Gohan sighed.
Krillin: Awww.
Goku: Gohan, Krillin, I'll handle Vegeta on my own. I need the both of you to get as far away as—
Krillin is suddenly gone.
The Z-Warriors give Krillin a look while he groaned at his Abridged self's cowardice.
Goku: Where'd Krillin go?
The scene cuts to Krillin screaming flying away and then back to the battlefield where Goku places his hand on Gohan.
"Ugh," Krillin groaned. "Do the creators of this show just hate me?"
Goku: Gohan, follow Krillin. Get home to your mother.
Gohan: Right, Daddy. Is there anything you want me to tell her?
Goku: Yes, Gohan. Tell her...
"Coming Undone" by Korn plays as the camera slightly zooms in on Goku's face.
Goku: -to put dinner on...
"Coming Undone" plays again with the camera zooming in on Goku's face.
Goku: -because I'm hungry.
"Coming Undone" plays a third time with the camera once again zooming in on Goku's face.
Goku nods. "Hey, speaking of which, do we have any more food? I'm starving."
"Well said, Goku," Beerus agreed.
Chichi had taken out a grill and was cooking some food. "Just a moment."
Cue the opening sequence.
The scene cuts to Goku flying down on the battlefield.
Vegeta: Alright, are you ready for this?
Goku: You bet I am! But first, why don't we take this battle somewhere else?
Vegeta: What's wrong with here?
Goku: I don't know. Something about it doesn't feel right.
Vegeta: Well, it is a little corpsy.
He looks at the corpses of Yamcha, Tien, and Piccolo.
The Z-Warriors in question flinch a bit on how easy and quickly they were taken out.
"I'm honestly happy that none of you behaved so pathetically during the Tournament of Power," Beerus sighed.
The scene shifts to King Kai's planet.
Narrator: Meanwhile, on King Kai's planet.
King Kai (in his thoughts): So, the fight is about to begin. The showdown between the Saiyan elite and the low-class warrior, trained by me.
"Wow, King Kai, you sound all serious!" Goku beamed.
King Kai huffed. "Give me some credit, Goku. I am the great Kai of the North Area of Universe 7."
King Kai (out loud): Takin' all bets, guys! Takin' all bets!
"Serious, huh?" Roshi asked, giving him the stink eye, along with some of the others. King Kai looked away, embarrassed.
Bubbles (subtitled): 70,000 zeni on the noble young warrior!
Bojack (from inside King Kai's planet): Yargh! I bet 50 gold doubloons on the short one!
"Did the idiot pirate seriously call me short?!" Vegeta shouted.
"Well compared to my height, you are shorter," Goku said, not noticing Vegeta's rage.
Gregory: Uh, sir, is this really appropriate? If Goku loses, the entire Earth could be destroyed!
"Well at least one of you is taking things seriously," Gohan said, causing Gregory to smile.
King Kai creates a large hammer.
King Kai: You were saying?
"Mean," Gregory muttered.
Gregory: D'ah, 1,000 zeni on Goku.
"Thanks for the support, Gregory!" Goku smiled.
"OOO!" Bubbles protested.
"Thanks to you too, Bubbles."
Narrator: Hey, can I get in on this?
King Kai: Wait a second. Don't you already know the outcome of the fight?
Narrator: N-Noooo......
"Cheater!" the kids jeered.
The scene cuts back to Earth where Goku guides Vegeta to a wasteland to start their battle.
Goku: This is it!
Vegeta: Ah, yes. A perfect place to mark your grave.
"To be honest, it just looks like another wasteland," Piccolo said.
"You would know, wouldn't you, namekian?" Vegeta scoffed.
Goku: Listen, we don't have to do this, you know. If you leave now and promise to never come back, I'll let you go. And we can stop this meaningless bloodshed.
"Seriously?" Whis asked in surprise. "Even after he literally killed almost all your allies?"
"Goku's a pretty nice guy," Krillin explained.
Yamcha pouted. "Didn't he go crazy made when Frieza killed you? I notice he didn't get that upset when we died."
Goku gave a nervous look. "Well that's-"
"Actually," Frieza interrupted, thinking back to Namek, "we did fight, but afterwards the idiot monkey had cut me in half, he gave me some of his energy and I was able to survive. It was honestly humiliating."
"Ugh," Beerus groaned at Goku's mercy. "One day, I know that Saiyan's going to be the end of me."
Vegeta: Such trite! Where's your Saiyan pride, Kakarot? We are proud warriors! Bred to fight and conquer. This planet has made you soft.
"Just because you're not constantly conquering, doesn't mean you're soft," Bulma said, giving her husband a hug.
Goku: Are you sure about this? Because even if you're a little sorry--
Vegeta: No! I'm not sorry!
Goku: Are you absolutely sure you--
Vegeta: Yes! I am entirely sure!
Goku begins powering up.
"Not noticing Goku powering up, Vegeta? How pathetic," Frieza commented.
Vegeta scowled. "Go stick your face in a bowl of ramen."
Vegeta: I'm going to obliterate you and the rest of this planet myself with my own two--
Goku: KAIO-KEN!
Goku charges at Vegeta.
Vegeta shook his head. "A sneak attack. Disgraceful."
Goku frowned. "How was that a sneak attack? I was charging."
Vegeta turned away. "Shut up."
Vegeta: Kaio-what—
"Kaio-Ken!" King Kai exclaimed. "It's not that hard to say."
Goku punches Vegeta in the face and proceeds to attack him with a barrage of punches before knocking him away. Vegeta however recovers from the attack and kicks Goku in the face.
Vegeta (breathes heavily): Okay, not bad. But still nothing compared to me. Now witness the power of a Saiyan elite!
"Huh, an actual compliment," Tien noticed. "Usually you wouldn't even recognize your opponent's abilities."
"Yeah," Gohan nodded. "You usually do more boasting about yourself."
Vegeta merely glared at the two.
Goku: Elite? What's that mean?
"Does Dad know what elite means?" Goten asked.
"Considering he didn't even know what bride meant when we were little, I wouldn't be surprised," Chichi giggled.
"He didn't know what bride meant?" Videl asked.
"Oh, yeah. He promised to marry me when we were little and eventually married me at the end of the World Martial Arts Tournament!" Chichi smiled at the memories. "It was so romantic!"
Vegeta: It means I'm of the upper class. A finer breed! The highest grade of warrior!
Goku floats there silently, blinking confusedly.
Vegeta (sighs): Okay, consider yourself beef jerky while I'm filet mignon.
"Seems like you caught on to Goku's mindset pretty fast," Krillin said.
"He's not that complicated," Vegeta rolled his eyes.
"No he is not," everyone else agreed.
Goku: Oooh, I like both those things!
"Bulma, please put those things on the menu," Beerus ordered.
"Beef jerky is more of a travel food or snack food," Bulma explained. "I'll prepare a bit for you to take on the road."
Vegeta (after a short pause): I'm going to start beating you now. I don't know when I'll stop.
"That was my reaction to that idiot monkey," Frieza said.
"Same," Vegeta said.
"And same with me," Piccolo admitted.
Goku: Hopefully before dinner, because I told Gohan to tell Chi-Chi to—
Vegeta headbutts Goku.
Goku: AH!
Vegeta elbows Goku towards the ground.
Goku: Unh!
Vegeta: Hah! What's wrong, Kakarot? Can't keep up?
"Hmm..." Whis noticed. "You should really not boast as much as you're fighting, Vegeta. It could slow you down in the future."
Vegeta nodded.
The Saiyan prince throws a fiery ki blast at Goku.
Vegeta: I told you, Kakarot. There's no way you can measure up to an elite like me! You're fighting a losing battle here.
Goku removes the torn portion of his shirt.
"Why'd he take off his shirt?" Trunks asked.
"It was getting a bit constricting and uncomfortable all torn up like that," Goku explained.
Vegeta: You may as well just surrender this pathetic planet now and--
Goku: Kaio-Ken times three!
"Any time you were losing, did you just use a higher Kaio-Ken?" Goten asked.
"Pretty much," Goku nodded.
"Can I learn that technique?" Goten asked excited.
"Hey!" King Kai shouted. "That's my technique! If you want to learn it, someone bring me back to life with the freaking Dragon Balls!!"
"And us!" Gregory added.
Goku once again turns Kaio-Ken and flies at Vegeta.
Vegeta: Times wha—
"Why did that catch your attention?" Android 18 asked.
"Not sure," Vegeta replied. "Maybe I was surprised at the randomness?"
Goku punches Vegeta in the face, sending him screaming and flying into a plateau.
Vegeta (in pain): This... proves... nothing.
Frieza smirked. "It proves a lot."
Goku: Are you okay in there?
Vegeta (sarcastically): Yeah, I'm fan-f**king-tastic... nothing but gumdrops and ice-cream in here.
Goku (delighted): Oh, really? Can I come in too?
"I can't remember, Goku do you know what sarcasm is?" Bulma asked.
"Of course I do!" Goku protested.
'They must never know,' Goku thought.
Vegeta (short pause): I'm surrounded by idiots.
Goku: I thought you were surrounded by gumdrops and ice-cream.
Vegeta screams with rage as he destroys the plateau around him.
"Honestly, that would be my reaction to that as well," Beerus admitted.
Vegeta: I will not stand for this! I will not be humiliated by a low-class wretch!
Goku: Aww, sounds like somebody's got an ice-cream headache!
Vegeta: THAT'S IT!!! EVERYONE DIES!!!
Trunks frowned at the sight of his angry father. Bulma and Vegeta noticed it, the former giving him a hug, the latter just patting his son's back.
Vegeta launches himself into the air with a purple aura surrounding him and begins charging up energy for his Galick Gun.
Vegeta: Say goodbye to your planet, Kakarot!
Goku: Well, that's not very nice.
"What was your first clue?" Yamcha asked. "Him killing us?"
"It was Nappa who killed you," Vegeta defended. "I just watched."
Vegeta: OF COURSE NOT! I'M F**KING EVIL! GALICK GUN!
Goku: Oooh, did he say Garlic—
"Huh," Goku said. "A lot of our names kinda sound like food. My Saiyan name kinda sounds like carrot, Vegeta sounds like vegetable, Tien's name sounds like a crab dish-"
"Piccolo sounds like pickle," Gohan continued. "Mine and grandpa Gohan's name can mean cooked rice, Mom's name can be translated to milk, and Chiaotzu's name can mean gyoza."
"I think my name can mean to eat out for dim sum," Yamcha added.
"Great!" Beerus grunted. "Now every time I say your names, I'm just going to make myself hungry!"
Vegeta (in distance): AAARRRGH!
Goku (powers up to Kaio-Ken x3): Oh man!
He cups his hands behind his back for a Kamehameha wave.
Goku: KA... ME... HA... ME...
Vegeta: FIRE!!!
Goku: HA!!!
Both energy waves clash in mid-air.
"It looks even," Goten looked in awe.
"Look again," Trunks said. "Dad is winning."
Vegeta: This is the end, Kakarot! You don't stand a chance! I put all my power into this attack!
Goku is seen struggling in the clash
Vegeta: Now perish, with the rest of your pathetic world!
Goku: Hungh... Kaio-Ken...
Everyone but Vegeta smiled. Vegeta however only gave a growl.
Vegeta (stunned pause): No...
Goku: Times...
Vegeta (as if trying to deter Goku): No, no, no...
Goku: FOUR!
Kamehameha overpowers Galick Gun.
"God damnit," Vegeta said under his breath.
Vegeta: Nononononononono—
He gets carried away by the blast.
Vegeta: FUUUUUUUUUUU...
The scene shifts to Kame House.
"Wait, why are we back at Kame House?" Android 17 asked.
"I don't know, why didn't Roshi help fight the Saiyans?" Yamcha asked.
"Hey, I'm old! Give me a break!" Roshi defended.
Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the ranch.
The camera cuts in inside Kame House with Bulma, Chi-Chi, Ox-King, Master Roshi, Oolong, and Turtle.
Bulma: Remember when we used to do stuff? You know, be out there with them? And help?
"Ahh, I remember those days," Oolong said. "Good times."
"You could come with us on one of our future adventures," Goku offered.
"I'm fine!" Oolong said quickly.
They all agree. Fortuneteller Baba is seen working her crystal ball.
Oolong: And remember the Red Ribbon Army?
Android 18 and Android 17 looked at each other.
They all remember.
Master Roshi: And what about King Piccolo?
The younger kids looked at Piccolo.
"Different Piccolo," the Namekian said.
They all remember, with Bulma saying "Good times. Good times."
Bulma: Whatever happened to Launch?
"Who?" the kids asked.
"Oh, I haven't thought of Launch in years!" Goku smiled.
"Launch was an old friend of ours!" Krillin was also smiling. "She had two personalities: Good Launch was nice and sweet and Bad Launch was more of a tomboy who had a hobby of shooting a gun when she gets angry."
"She lived with Roshi for a while," Chiaotzu said, "but then she began living with me and Tien." The small fighter grew sad. "We never really saw her again after we died during the Saiyan attack."
"We should try to find her one day," Tien said, remembering his old friend.
Cue silence
Master Roshi: Who?
"Hmmph," Roshi grunted. "Unrealistic! I would never forget Launch!"
The scene cuts to a bar with a hungover Launch and a bartender with "The Singing Sea" from "Cowboy Bebop" playing.
Launch sighs.
"Launch is just drinking in a bar," Tien frowned. "Why would she-"
"Wait, did you ever tell her you were brought back by the Dragon Balls?" Bulma asked.
She was met with silence.
"Oh, she's going to kill you," Bulma stated. "You better go find her one day."
The scene cuts to the sky.
Narrator: Meanwhile, back at the plot...
Vegeta (still getting carried off by Goku's Kamehameha): ...UUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!
He quickly moves away from the blast and starts breathing heavily.
Vegeta: Son of a bitch! This can't be happening! I'm the prince! I'm supposed to be the best by default!
"That's a very Frieza attitude," Piccolo said.
"Oh, shut up," Vegeta said.
The Saiyan continues to breathe heavily before smirking.
Vegeta: I'll show that little bastard! I'll become the mighty Ōzaru and crush him into the-
Vegeta looks around to look for the moon.
"You just noticed?" Bulma asked.
"I didn't exactly look around the earth beforehand," Vegeta looked away from her.
Vegeta: Where's the moon?
The shot pans out, showing Vegeta high in the sky.
Vegeta: WHERE'S THE DAMN MOON?!
The scene cuts to a flashback of Piccolo staring at the moon.
Piccolo: MOOOOOOOOOON!!!
The Namekian fires a ki blast that destroys the moon.
"We just saw that a few episodes ago, why are they showing it again?" Whis asked.
The cuts back to the present where Vegeta lands in front of Goku.
Goku: Huh?
Vegeta: Very clever, Kakarot! I'd taken you for a fool, but it seems you're far more cunning than you let on! But destroying the moon won't stop me! We've learned to create artificial moons that supply the necessary pl--
Goku: Question.
Vegeta: What?
Goku: Are they made of cheese?
"You gave him way too much credit," Frieza chuckled.
Vegeta (short pause): I'm going to enjoy this far more than I should.
"So am I," Vegeta said.
Vegeta creates an artificial moon and shoots it into the sky.
Vegeta: Now watch, Kakarot, as your life becomes inconsequential,
The camera slowly pans up Vegeta's body.
Vegeta: as I reveal my giant monkey...
The kids give a little gasp too for fun.
The camera stops in front of Vegeta's crotch; scene cuts to a group of viewers gasping in fear over seeing Vegeta's crotch at a jumbotron.
Vegeta: ...form.
The camera moves quickly up to Vegeta's face; crowd watching the jumbotron sigh in relief.
Penis Guy: Thank God, I thought he meant penis!
Vegeta begins transforming into an Ōzaru.
"Question," Bulma asked. "How did your clothes grow too? Some sort of special Saiyan fibers?"
"It's actually a Frieza Force design with Saiyan alterations," Vegeta explained. "Had to commission it special."
"Honestly, it was actually cheaper than one would expect," Frieza thought.
Goku (thinking): He's getting huge. That means he'll only be stronger. That means he won't be as fast—
"That's not a bad line of thinking, but..." Vegeta started.
Ōzaru Vegeta punches a plateau Goku is standing on.
"Yeah," Vegeta nodded.
Goku (thinking): Oh, God, he's still as fast!
He manages to dodge a punch and lands on the ground.
Goku (thinking): He's too powerful! I have to come up with a plan! Wait, I know!
Goku: (out loud) I just have to think like a monkey!
"Where did that come from?" Android 18 asked.
"It's Goku," Krillin said.
The idiot closes his eyes.
Goku: Hmm...
Suddenly, the screeching sounds of a monkey can be heard.
Goku: Hey, it's working!
"That doesn't sound like any monkey," King Kai said. "That sounds like-"
King Kai (telepathically): No, that's just Bubbles. Get off my back, Bubbles!
A loud thud is heard off screen with Bubbles groaning in pain.
Bubbles gives King Kai a look.
King Kai: Goku, listen, the only way that you can beat him is if you use the Spirit Bomb!
Goku (raises both hands into the sky): On it!
King Kai: And whatever you do, make sure you're very well hidden! It's going to take a lot of time to gather up all that energy!
"I don't know why you needed that reminder," King Kai sighed. "We were practicing it a lot on my planet."
Goku (gets hit by Ōzaru Vegeta): Aaaaaaggggghhhh!
The crystal ball King Kai was using to watch the fight goes static.
Phone Operator: We're sorry. The number you are trying to reach has been disconnected. Please hang up and try again later.
"Guess even divine communications aren't always effective," Bulma joked.
"Hmm..." Whis said. "Maybe you should switch to ADitT? It's better than G-Mobile."
"Can't," King Kai shook his head. "I got a nine century plan and I'm only on my 5th."
King Kai: Huh.
"Is it over?" Dende asked.
"No, this seems to be a special 3 part episode," Whis explained. "Everyone get your snacks ready!"