TW: There is mention of physical abuse.
"This stage was actually Artist Battle's intermediate evaluation." His lungs wanted to pump itself in and out of life when the staff told them that. The familiar faces before them — one that stood as their anchors — were evaluating them. And all the security they could've had would burn up in flames.
The cards were in leader Zhang Hao's hands. He sat in between the leader and Ricky, his hands clasped to his legs as Hao opened the evaluation sheets first. His expression only worries them at the news if it would be good news or bad news. But his actions of reading it aloud startled them.
The boy's eyes tearing itself up had caused a spur of emotions to run in their bodies, not knowing what to do or what to say. But as he started reading the continuing parts, it was revealed that the evaluations were more from the heart of the guardians. The make-up they had smudging against one's face — almost liking being stripped bare like the love given by the people who wrote on the paper.
"I wondered if I would be able to keep continuing as a trainee, and if I would really be able to become an idol." Hao's words had broken his mask into pieces, he didn't see a world without Zhang Hao competing in Boys Planet 999 and sinking into the hearts of everyone. "I was only able to reach this point because they kept telling me that I will be able to succeed." Even though his words slurred in some parts due to the rising feelings, June felt like he understood the older boy's words more than ever. "I have to debut."
The other boys opened in the same way with each word they read out. Vulnerability soaked into the room, nothing but an absent façade present in each one. He had to keep his hands close by the other's shoulders or squeezing their hands as they choked out the words. June knew that when it fell into his hands, he can unfold the same way. But no imaginary situation can mimic the actual event.
His card was last and when Kuan Jui handed it to him, he almost wanted to slap it away. The fingers that reached out already trembled in fear but he directed his muscles to receive it and open the page to his own. The handwriting already drawing his breath to silence, knowing that it was Leon who wrote his evaluation.
"Younger brother June, you've grown up. I met you at around fourteen or fifteen, hiding behind the main designer. You didn't want to reveal it was your voice I heard but all your noonas pushed you out — and I caught sight of one of the most courageous, most talented, and most deserving young boy. And I am so happy that you find the voice to speak for your talents.
I am so proud of you. I hope you know that my love for you as my brother reaches a level wherein I name you an Ahn, my family surname. Finish the competition strong and enter the hearts of more people. Love, your big brother in LH."
He grew up lonely. The world without social connection made him a cocoon of a person, trying to do the greatest things for an ounce of love. And it took him a long time to grow to love other people — often they loved him first before he could ever name the emotions. And one of the people who made themselves his ideal family figure was Leon. If it hadn't been for him, he thinks he won't even be living today.
The words he said out loud had caused so many questions in the others. His story unfolded more in one comment or letter than their whole stay together. But they didn't hold anything against, especially that when they gazed at him right now, he looked like a lost child. A young person who has nothing besides the clothes they wear now and a heart on their sleeve.
In other times, it was a silent command to leave things alone. People won't know anything more than what was spilled by accident. But his softening hold on the card accompanied by his voice, breathy and airy, lifted the barrier between them all. "I'll speak of the bigger picture soon. This evening." As he said these words with shaky tones and slurring rhymes, Zhang Hao leaned to put his head on June's shoulder even after the camera cuts out.
»--•--«
When he invited others to hear him open up, it didn't make his fears of what was about to happen disappear. The art of admittance and acceptance was not magic — it didn't ask for smiles after or an erased worry. And it still made him hesitant to bare his heart out to the people he wasn't sure if he'll speak to after the show. Their fates were up in the air — if he whispers his stories to their ears it could go with the wind.
But it all bore down to the fact that he trusted them. All the __ people in the room made room in their hearts for him. And tonight was the evening he was ready to have them enter his heart with no secrets.
He sat beside Ji Woong and Jong Woo. Both the boys kept him in between, their bodies very close that he knew they can feel his breaths if it slowed down or sped up. His heart might knock on theirs if it drummed too loud. But he liked it this way — them feeling his vitals almost.
Ricky and Zhang Hao sat on one bed, their forms cuddled into the blankets as the airconditioning ran cold in the room. By their feet was GunWook and Matthew. Both boys dressed to their sleepwear, the younger had his eyeglasses on. And seated on a bed to himself was Park HanBin. All of these boys were tired but came in to Zhang Hao's dorm without question when June mentioned about wanting to talk.
"I was an orphan before my parents died in a fire just a few weeks back." There were times he knew how to lay down the conversation and regulate the feelings of other people. But tonight, he was baring the story of him. For him to even say every word, he'd have to focus on himself and the truth ringing in his ears. "My parents and I never were on good terms back until I remember. I struggled so much with their vices as they struggled with me being a child, not capable of taking care of myself."
Jong Woo's hand was by his knee, running circles as he searched for his ground at the threat of tears. "Caring for me wasn't in their priorities. And because of that I missed a lot school, didn't know about family-prepared meals. And what's bad about that is people start to notice when you're older." The curious gazes were looks he shied away because they were like school teachers, his peers' parents, or his fellow children. The eyes always searched for answers instead of hands slowly presenting themselves to comfort him. Opposite to how he was held by all the people in this room. They forgot about their curiosities quickly and directed their attention to him — his words, his actions, all these spoken or unspoken.
"My teachers called me out on it every few weeks or so. They pried about why I was skin and bones. They always told me they'd call my house to speak to my parents about it. And I got so scared that day." He remembered kneeling right then and there, clutching the hem of his teacher's pants, asking that they never do that. "I told them my parents were just really busy. But things were getting better with finances." He laughed with choked sobs — the scene painting before him, almost making him dissociate if it weren't for Ji Woong's hand to his waist that ran up and down his skin.
"I searched for a job right after school — plead with the first company that let me in their lobby without an accompanying guardian. And to my luck, the only time I've been lucky ever, it was Labyrinth Hub. They gave me the job of just hanging out the designing rooms to listen in how they made clothes or spoke with these big names for costumes."
A young boy, his stature short for those his age, always made people double glance at him. But with the strict policy in the company, nobody outright made him go away. When it was serious conversations, they asked someone to bring him to the cafeteria and let him eat until he was full. He'd deny most of the time but when they had the food in front of him, writing a note that it was especially for him, he ate.
"But you know that adults are really good at seeing through children. So even if they didn't know me, my parents, they knew that I was bringing money to the house. And they..." His eyes closed in the frustration of having a hard time to spill it. It was easy. The word was a few letters — he should do this. But it took him time, a long time that the others just waited patiently. Gun Wook handing him a water bottle to drink from as his throat burned at all the truths. "Their frustrations to me making money but also not making enough made them... they abused me."
His hands wanted to mimic their hands that always held his throat to the wall. But before he could do that, someone had changed places and sat in front of him. Park Hanbin held his hands in his own, tapping a few beats to distract him from the want to choke himself. He could see from the corner of his eye that Matthew and Zhang Hao cuddled the two younger boys to them, not shielding them away from the painful honesty but also sitting with them amidst the brutality shared.
"They pushed me to the places where they spilled their soju. Locked me in my room to not go to school or else they'd push me down the stairs. Waited for me to arrive in the house so that they could burn their cigarettes to my skin. And things just got worse — but I was older already. Adults and peers didn't bother to ask me how I was anymore or if I needed help." He got too old before he even aged. Others saw him as a lost cause — and he did too at that time.
"One day it became the worst day. The basement and I — I can never go to the basements of establishments because of it. I know they wanted to kill me that day — by their hands and the blades laid out... I knew." It took him a while to pick up needles or chop up carrots after that day. And Leon and Labyrinth Hub never forced him to do those chores either. "I didn't want to die in a basement alone and leave my body there — nobody could identify me. So I left. I don't know how I didn't pass out from all that but I called Leon hyung and I escaped. And I survived."
The recovery after that was a story just as long. He had so many relapses in habits. But someone was there to be patient and pull him out of all these terrors.
They still hadn't said anything by a few minutes because tears broke out first. His sobs came as a sudden disruption until it became constant noise. He tried to pull himself back together but Ji Woong already trapped him in an embrace that welcomed these ugly cries. He didn't see then who joined next or who enveloped him but all of them shed tears that evening. All of them wrapped in a tight embrace, all unwilling to let go.
"I'm so sorry it took time until you were saved, June-ah. But now, we promise that we'll do everything to keep you safe and away from that hurt. And we'll be with you every time someone scars you, you don't have to stitch your wounds alone."
»--•--«
The make-up artist noticed his darker eyebags but didn't comment on it because his body was more relaxed than ever. The way he sat back against the chair or allowed the stylists to press on his clothes surprised the staff. But it made their jobs easier for the most part so they kept quiet — glancing at the boy from time to time as he smiled unconsciously into the mirror.
"The star creators will like you in these clothes. Might not be as bold as red but as enchanting."
He thanked them when he stood up, his eyes brightening at the final look. The loose and elegant blouse had suited his features more than he anticipated. Eyeglasses perched on his face gave him a look of a fitting gentleman — which made him laugh at all the moves he was about to do. But what he was surprised to grow fond of was his red hair. The red dye was settled earlier in the morning after breakfast. The thumbs-up from the show had him believe that they might want to debut him or give him attention for their own profits. But he can't say they were wrong with the color. "My June-ah looking so good, huh?" And Zhang Hao's comments that was added on by Jay had give them the biggest smile.
"Let's kill it!"
The star creators in the venue overwhelmed his senses with their screams. But it was fun waving at fans that wore his name on their clothing pieces or their banners. Some he could quickly hold hands with and speak for a moment. The last girl he spoke too wore her hair in braids, her shirt having his name beside number one and wore the bold lip red color. He couldn't help himself really, "We match! Red suits you."
Before he could say more, Zhang Hao tugged on his ear and pushed him forcefully. He said his apologies to the fan but opposite to June. "I get why Ji Woong-ah drags you. You'd flirt with everyone without supervision." He laughed at the remark, his eyes shading with mirth at recalling the times Ji Woong sought him out and pulled him everywhere.
"Would you want me to do this with you too, Hao hyung? But Sung Han Bin might haunt me." His whispered comment had the older boy hit him more times as they travelled backstage to go in front of the audience. But what he didn't expect was a reply — he really should have known better that the reactions of those older than him and younger than him contrast. "I can say the same of what Ji Woong-ah might do to me if I allowed you to."
»--•--«
June's face still held a hint of a blush when they went backstage. His make-up hiding most of it but Jong Woo and Ji Woong questioned him about it, knowing him more than others. And when he kept silent, it only intrigued them more. Thankfully, before he could be more embarrassed, they were asked to sit in their respective places already to watch SuperCharger.
The song had a very distinct sound from what he could remember. It stuck close to its genre and had an ongoing choreography that can exhuast anyone. But he knew that he could look forward to the performance despite these challenges with the members — Haruto's adlib had certainly raised his standards. Meanwhile, Takuto's dedication to electrocuting himself for the introduction brought him light spirts.
What touched his heart more was seeing the chain necklare worn by Haruto. He gave it to the boy the night after Ricky expressed worry for Haruto. He may not know the boy personally but his diligence to teach the choreography twice to trainees had his heart ache. So he gave him a bit of goodluck. "An idol once gave me this chain necklace when I wanted to feel cool, when I think I can't pull it off. I hope this can just give you a reminder that you really did all you could to lead your team."
The intro was like a music video — it reminded him of Seventeen's music video for Rock With You. The leather jackets, exuded confidence, and sharp gazes were all on point even among the trainees who leaned towards adorable concepts. "The babies look amazing!"
When the camera focused on Seo Won he faked fanning himself and wiping his forehead. "I can see Seo Won look like a menace. Did he grow up too fast hanging out with Ji Woong?" The comment heard by the mentioned male elicited a laugh from the man.
Wang Zi Hao danced to the song like it was his own choreography. The boy's movements were natural and created the optical illusions it needed to. And him at the center with Haruto had amazed him and made him lean forward. Because even if he had favorites and biases in the group, Zi Hao's dance and Haruto's vocals were top tier against it all.
Even if he was immersed with the performance, the sound of flint and the sight of flames made him flinch back at his seat. And at the action, Zhang Hao immediately blocked his view from the screen while Jay patted his back subtly. And he might've not seen the whole thing because of this but it didn't make his comment false.
"This may not be my genre. But their performances made me fond of the song."
»--•--«
All the stages tonight can vouch for a first place title, he knows. All the attitude and presence brought by the trainees were to a rank that made them all viable for debut. It was the top 29, after all. When it was announced that next to watch was En Garde, a team lead by Lee Hoe Taek — he knew he should watch keenly.
The red lights ignited the stage in a mysterious battlefield, fitting the track En Garde. And as Gun Wook began the performance he was already full engrossed. His open mouth and applauding hands made the cut and had Gun Wook fans grateful that in the case their top pick trainee didn't know about the support for him outside, he had a supporter within the walls.
The choreography itself was witty. All the details on time and reflections to the lyrics gave him respect to the teamwork behind the production of the song. And one of the most hitting segments was the chorus wherein each beat was strongly met with movement but the downbeats were also given justice by the performers.
Another boy making it to his top performers today besides his Wook was Lee Seung Hwan. The boy clearly had the makings of the idol from his massive stage presence and clear-headed mindset when directing teams and leading performances prior. Today, he showed them his capacity as a vocalist and how he could make his voice soar.
"Isn't that rise-up too close to the fans? It's really seductive." Zhang Hao called him out as a hypocrite for the comment but he ignored it. His eyes taking in the core strength to do the move while also shaking his head at the close range distance to the audience as they did this.
The ending gave his heart chills despite the warm undertone of the stage design. The act of ripping the star numbers out and doing it after such a strong performance signified something. It was the conclusion to make people reflect on who these trainees were — how even if they're working hard to be robots of the industry, they were really just people with dreams.
When they went back inside, he sent exaggerated thumbs-up to Park Gun Wook for his center part. The older boy mouthed, "You did really well!" with a big smile gave him the younger boy's smile in return too. And as June looked around the room, he could only wish that all of them debut alongside each other even in different groups because losing anyone from the Artist Battle line-up was shameful.