As it turns out, it's a lot more difficult than one would think—living with someone you were once extremely intimate with.
Sirius and I made an agreement after our awkward encounter in the hallway. We agreed that we would just be normal. That we wouldn't let our history destroy our new arrangement.
It's harder than I thought.
I've been eating better and getting healthier. I've gained a few pounds and I've been sleeping better. I've been more active than I was at the cottage. I feel like I've regained some of my livelihood.
And along with the livelihood awakes another thing that once was dormant inside of me. Lechery.
When I was younger, I didn't have much of a problem with lusting over people. I got the occasional crush, and I was never opposed to dating (although Sirius was always a prominent obstacle in that regard). But I never really felt sexual desire for anyone. Not really.
Of course, that all changed when Sirius and I officially got together after my injury. It was like he awoke something inside of me that I never knew was there, and then I found myself craving him almost constantly, whether it was a slight nag at the back of my mind or an overwhelming desire that overtook all other senses. He did nothing to stifle my desires, either, and anything that he could have done to quell my desire only strengthened it.
There were times when our work schedules wouldn't align, or times when I was away visiting friends out of the country, and the lapse in our sex life would build up until I was terribly impatient, and it would always result in me essentially climbing up the man like he was a tree. But he could satiate me, and when he finally relieved some of the tension, the desire that I felt for him would return in a more controlled way.
After Sirius went to Azkaban, I lost my sense of sexual desire for a long time, and it had been six years before I moved on. Even longer before I felt comfortable enough with Rem to be intimate.
But the way that we were living, my constant distress about my job and the cottage, and the guilt that I still harbored over Sirius kept me from experiencing much desire. I guess I just always assumed that it was my age.
It's interesting, actually. A lot of things have changed since I've left the cottage. I find that I'm not as distressed about my life in general. For so long, I was so miserable that I found it easier to view the world through Rem's eyes, adopting his opinions and thoughts as my own just because it was easier. I know that Rem never intentionally allowed it, but I'm not sure he really noticed the difference. I think he just attributed it to my grief until he accepted that it was just who I was.
Sirius doesn't let me get away with it.
He forces me to think for myself and take the chance of stirring up conflict, and I don't hate it. After everything that happened with James and Lily and Peter, I had always wanted my life to be quiet and uneventful. To keep my head down and let the brave, outspoken version of myself die with my friends.
But Sirius coaxes it out of me. He doesn't let my grief consume me any longer. And I think I'm realizing that my grief wasn't what was holding me back for all these years. Of course, I still grieve for James and Lily, and I still hate what happened to Sirius. But so much of my unhappiness was caused by the way I was living, smothering myself in my own mind, my own body.
I feel more like I used to now. More like myself.
Along with all the good, though, comes the bad. My desire.
I know that it's natural, and I know that Sirius would understand. He has never been the type of person to guilt others for something as natural as sexual desire, but I have a harder time convincing myself that it's not wrong. But the more I try to suppress it, the stronger it becomes. Until everything is attractive to me.
This morning, I watched Sirius make homemade bread as I sat across the counter from him. He was wearing a short-sleeved shirt, and the sleeves hugged his biceps a little too snugly for me to ignore as he kneaded the dough. The movement of his hands, the strands of hair that fell across his brow. It was nearly too much, and I had to excuse myself.
I immediately threw on work clothes, and then I went in to work on my off day.
I immerse myself in my proposal so I don't have to think about Sirius or his body. I stay in my office and draft appeal after appeal, organizing them into neat piles based on how assertive I want to be when I oppose Hal. I have been at work for three hours when there's a knock on the door.
I think about not opening it. I'm barely business casual—a pencil skirt and a blouse that's a couple sizes too big and tucked in messily, my hair wild, pinned out of my face with my wand. My shoes are god knows where, and there's a run on the left leg of my stocking along the inside of my thigh. I got ready too quickly, not thinking anyone would notice.
But the door opens anyway. I'm still kneeling on the floor in a state of indecision.
"Hey, I thought I heard you in here."
"Noah, hi," I breathe and look up from the stacks of parchment on the floor to see one of my coworkers.
"I haven't seen you in ages," he says to me and smiles, easing the door shut behind him. He leaves it cracked open a couple of inches as I clamber to my feet. "You okay?"
"Yeah! Yeah, of course. You know how it is," I say, my cheeks going warm.
"Am I interrupting?" he asks with an amused smile.
"No, of course not. Noah!" I repeat his name, in shock at his appearance. It's true; we haven't seen each other in months. He was once one of my favorite coworkers until I was moved to a different shift. He just smiles as I clear the seat across from my desk of parchment, setting the stack on a bare spot on my bookshelf. "How are you?"
"I'm doing really well. And you—you look great," he says and takes the seat I free up. I sit across from him.
"Oh, you're too kind."
"No, really, Y/N. You look really good. Much better than last time I saw you—not that you weren't beautiful," he clarifies. "Just that you look happier now. Healthier, too."
"Oh, well, I feel better."
"I'm glad to hear. I was worried about you."
I try to come up with a change of topic, digging through my mind to think of something—anything—to say. "So," I say, a little too loud, "how are things with you and Gracie?"
"Ah," he says with a wince, leaning back in his chair and folding his arms behind his head. His eyes are crinkled at the corner in discomfort. "No, uh, that didn't really work out."
"So sorry to bring it up."
"No, don't be," he says. "She and I...Well, we weren't really together long enough for it to get serious, you know?"
"Yeah, of course."
"And how's your man? Uh...Ryan?"
"Remus," I correct him, scuffing my foot against the floor.
"Yeah, sorry. Nice guy."
"Yeah, we're not together anymore."
Noah's smile doesn't waver, but he tilts his head to the side slightly. "No?" he asks.
"No."
"Good to know," he says. He bites his lip before he changes the subject. "So, what are you doing here on your day off?" He looks around at the mess of parchment, running a hand through his light brown hair.
"Um...It's just a side project."
"Top secret?"
"Not really. Well, yes. Kind of."
"I'm untrustworthy?" he asks. I think he's kidding when he smiles but I can't be sure.
"No, of course not! It's just...You won't tell anyone?"
"Scout's honor," he says gravely, leaning closer.
I spring from my seat and shut the door, keeping my back pressed against it. "You know Hal?" I whisper.
"Fucking hate him," Noah responds in the same tone, a small smile playing at his lips.
"I'm drafting a counterproposal to his appeal to reorganize the Hall of Prophecy."
"No shit."
"And I don't want him to know until it's so good that there's no chance he can win."
"Where are you at with it?" Noah asks.
"I have all my main points," I say and walk to the bookshelf. I stand on my toes to make sure I have the right stack before handing it over to Noah. "I just don't know how hard to go, you know?"
Noah is silent as he flips through the stack. I study his face as he does so, the deep tan of his skin, the hook of his nose, the curve of his eyelashes. He bites his lip as he reads, and I move my gaze to his lips. I startle when he flips the page, looking away with burning cheeks.
"This is fantastic," he says and hands me the stack. "Truly."
"Thanks. I just hope it'll go through. I really care about it."
"Hey, uh...you know, maybe I can help you out. Obviously, I'm not as eloquent as you've proven to be, but I think it would help to have the numbers behind you, yeah? So I'd love to support you, no matter how you think I could help."
"Oh my God, Noah, that would be great," I breathe, my eyes widening. "That would be amazing."
"Your idea is amazing. Maybe we could meet up after I'm done here and work on it some more? Toss some ideas around?"
I want to agree immediately, but I think of Sirius. I don't want him to worry if I don't come back.
"Uh...Tonight probably won't work for me, but soon. Noah, this means so much to me."
"Of course. I'm looking forward to getting inside that mind of yours. Let me know when." He stands and approaches the door. "You know where to find me."
He slips out of the door, and I can't help but feel giddy. He can help me with the proposal, and maybe if everything goes right, he can help me out with my frustration. I am almost positive he was being flirty with me, and I could use something to ease the tension inside of me.
The excitement hasn't died by the time I get home, and I kick off my shoes, grinning with my papers cradled in my arms. I'm still grinning when Sirius catches sight of me from the kitchen where he's just finished his bread.
"So she returns," he says. "What's got you smiling?"
"Nothing," I say.
"Sure."
"I think I won't be home tomorrow after work," I tell him as I dump my papers and slip past him to open the fridge.
"No?" he asks. "Where are you going?"
"Meeting up with someone from work, I think," I say and search for my favorite juice.
"Who?" he asks. "You'll have to open a new bottle. Above the sink."
"Thanks," I say and open the cabinet above the sink, grabbing the fresh bottle of juice. "Noah."
"You say that like I should know who that is," Sirius says as I fill a cup with ice from the freezer.
"I guess you haven't met him. He's a work friend. He wants to help me with my counterproposal." I fill my cup with juice and take a sip, meeting Sirius' eyes. I'm shocked when I see his expression, the firm set of his lips. "What?"
"Be careful," he says.
"With Noah? I've known him forever. He's a good guy."
"I'm just saying," Sirius says.
"Saying what?"
"He might have an ulterior motive." Sirius shrugs his shoulders, turning his back to me. I frown at his back.
"Maybe I'm the one with an ulterior motive," I say defensively, irritated that he treats me like I don't know what's best for myself. It feels like we're back at Hogwarts again.
He just chuckles, a barely audible exhale from his nose.
"What?" I set my cup aside. "You think that's funny? As if I can't want that?"
"That?" he asks, turning to face me. "What's 'that?'"
"You know what," I say and scowl at him.
"You're immature," he says and grabs my cup.
"I'm not done with that," I say just to be a brat, snatching it from him. "I'm allowed to want a man."
"So you're just going to pick the first man you see as soon as you get hot?"
"He wasn't the first—" I cut myself off, but it's too late. Sirius' eyes spark, and he takes a step toward me. I step back, and my back hits the counter behind me. I look up at him with wide eyes as he stands so close to me that our bellies are almost touching, his nose just millimeters from mine.
"So that's what this is about?" he asks quietly, tilting his head slightly. I blink slowly, my lips parting. "Don't worry. I remember how you get. You can do what you want. See who you want. Fuck who you want." I flinch. "But maybe you should ask yourself why you're feeling this way before you get so intent on who will solve it."
"Sirius," I whisper. He takes the glass out of my hand and sets it on the counter beside me, pressing himself even closer with the movement. The solid mass of his body touches mine, and I can feel the warmth of his skin through his clothes. I set my hands on his sides, gripping his shirt. He smiles down at me, his eyes barely open.
"What you should have done," he says and dips his head down toward my neck, "was told me." I close my eyes and tilt my head to the side, anticipating the feel of his lips on my skin, remembering how he used to love kissing my neck, how he would do until I was a mess of bruises. "I know how to satisfy you." He releases a breath across my throat, and I shudder, pulling him closer. "So you wouldn't have to waste your time with men who will never make you feel as good as I could."
"Sirius."
"But that's not what you want? You'd rather take your chances with a guy you barely know?" he asks, pulling himself away. I stare at him in shock as he grabs my cup and brings it to the sink. "Let me know how it goes, Sunshine."
uh okay, pop off king
okay but let's talk. so as you guys probably know, i was just abroad, and i met the most gorgeous man there. i like my men a little goofy looking, right?? and this man looked like ben barnes (think like when he played the darkling? in terms of hair and beard??) but like a little goofy. less defined jaw and a silly smile, and he was sort of shy (SCREAMING!!!!). tell me why this man was flirting with me ON THE CLOCK?? he was working at my favorite coffee shop and i went in with my good buddy. she orders a hot chocolate, and then i order my drink. this man GIVES ME A DISCOUNT!! fifty percent off, my friends. that's right. but not for my friend?? so i was thinking, weird. and he was shy and giggly and blushy, right?? and i asked him for a receipt and he kept messing up and his hands were getting shaky and he was even BLUSHIER?? and then he called me over and asked if i wanted cream in my coffee and i said no, and then this man says "are you sure? i want to make you a heart with the cream. I'm not very good at it so i usually don't, but i think i can do it for you"
BRUHHHH the way i almost asked for his hand in marriage and applied for citizenship