First day of school, I'm caught up waiting with the usual 3 for the gate to open.
"What did you do for your holidays, Liz?" Kevin asks.
"Lee took the kids for two weeks so I spent it with the Bransons on Necker Island," Liz recalls. "Sunbathing topless and sucking off billionaires."
"Really? Wow," I said plainly.
"I had to work the whole time," Julia commented. "The kids went into seven different sports clubs, which they absolutely hated. But on a positive, they're now county level at badminton."
Kevin added on, "Aw, I enjoyed every minute of the hols. I took the kids camping in Dorset. Magical. Great toilet blocks and sinks with taps. So more glamping, really. Manaria, what did you do?"
"Spent most of it at home to be honest, but I did take the kids out a few times to see a few museums and arcades and whatnot. They really enjoyed it all, surprisingly. Oh, I'm also officially Marie and Calliope's legal, adoptive parent," I smile.
Kevin looks pleasantly surprised, "Oh my goodness, congrats! Oh, and sorry to hear about your sister."
I shrug, "Just glad to get her- my kids away from her. They haven't been this happy in, like, 3 years."
Liz asked, "Didn't she kill her husband?"
"Yeah."
Liz's eyes widen slightly, but before she could say anything, Julia notices somebody.
"Who is that...?"
Amanda turns around to answer that, "That's Meg, Jade's mum. She's actually got two other kids of her own and two stepchildren but they're very close. She's a real high-flier. I believe she gave a talk at Davos last year."
Liz's eyes widened even more slightly, "Who's her favorite Spice Girl?"
Amanda went on, "She's friends with my friend, Sally. D'you know Sally Lawson?" I give her a blank stare. "She dated Marco Pierre White for a while."
"Oh, how is Sally?" Kevin tries to jump into the conversation.
"You don't know her, Kevin," Amanda turns to Julia. "Meg just bought the house opposite you, Julia. How d'you not know that?" Amanda continued talking, "We all know each other on my street. I suppose I'm very community minded."
Julia commented, "How does she have five kids? You can't be a high-flier and have five kids. I've got two children and a job I phone in and I... already have incredibly low self-esteem. Who does she think she is? Nicola Horlick?"
Kevin comments, "Oh, I love Horlicks. D'you remember Horlicks? Oh, d'you remember Bovril?"
Amanda answers him, "Well, Sally knows Nicola Horlick, so I think, yeah, Nicola could be a friend of Meg's, yeah."
Julia still struggles to comprehend Meg, "No, no, she can't... possibly have time for friends. I mean, that's just spin."
Amanda is surprised at Julia's words, "That's pretty unfeminist of you... Oh my God, I think you hate women."
Julia corrects her though, "Nope. I hate everybody." I guess that's respectable...
Anne sneaks up to us, "Hi, hiya."
Amanda is pleasantly surprised, "Oh! Hello, Anne! You're looking healthy!"
Anne smiles, "Oh, that's very nice of you to say. I feel like over the holidays I kinda filled out a bit, so..."
Amanda adds on, "Yeah, that's what I meant. No, you look great. It's our Sophie's choice, isn't it, when we get older. Face or arse... I dread to think which I'll have to choose- You're pressing against me a bit there, Anne."
"Sorry, sorry."
Sorry to hear about Johnny, Amanda," Kevin tells her, "It-- if-- if there's anything we can do to help-"
Amanda interrupts him, "He's not dead, Kevin. It's absolutely amicable. We have so much love and respect for each other, you know, we just realized we needed space to grow. Apart."
Liz scoffs, "That's a crock of shit. But anyway, welcome to the club. The good news is now you're a single mum you get 10% off at Dorothy Perkins. That might also apply to you too, Manaria."
I perk up, "Oh."
"Well, I'm not a single mum, Liz. I'm a co-parent, there's a big difference," Amanda corrects her.
"That's one in the same..." I say under my breath.
"You wait till he gets on Tinder, see how much of a co-parent he is then," Liz jokes.
"I'm not going to rise to it Liz..." Amanda winks at Liz. Oh my fucking god, just kiss already. (That's a joke. I think.)
The gate was then opened. "Bye, Mama Rina!" "Bye kids!"
Liz turns to us, "Who's coming for a coffee and a bitch about Amanda?"
Julia declines, "Oh, God, I wish I could, I've gotta go to work. They're streamlining, it's gonna be absolutely horrible. I mean horrific. You know, if you can think of the most brutal film you've seen, like... um..."
Kevin answers that for her, "Watership Down."
Julia continues, "Yeah, well, wish me luck."
Kevin looks at his watch, "Right, I'm off too."
"Oh, how's the new job?" I ask. Liz adds, "Where is it again? Kid-istan?"
Kevin answers, "No, Kidiverse. It's a soft play center. They say it's London's largest ball pit."
Liz jokes, "You've obviously never been to Love Muscle on a Friday night."
Kevin chuckles, "Good one. No, it's really great. Part time so I can still drop the kids. Very average wage so Jill doesn't feel threatened. Free eye tests. The whole package, really." Kevin goes on, "I'm sure I can get you two a discount if you wanna bring the kids."
Liz declines, "Thanks, but I'd rather have an episiotomy."
Kevin then left. Liz turned to Anne and I, "Anne? Manaria? Cake?"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
After getting cake with Liz and Anne, I ended up following Liz back to the school because we both were called in for various reasons.
Julia walked into reception, "What are you two doing here?"
I answer, "I have to reconfirm personal information and whatnot."
Liz answers, "Late on breakfast club payments. She's gonna turn me upside down and shake the change out of my pockets."
Julia sits down and looks at Meg outside of the door. "What's her problem? Why does she have to make us all feel so shit?"
I look at her, "I think the only one who's making you feel shit is yourself."
Liz looks at her too, "What's your problem? Hate to agree with Amanda but it's a bit unfeminist of you."
Julia disagrees, "No, it's unfeminist of her. I thought we all agreed, as feminists, that nowadays it's unfeminist to have it all."
Meg walked in and sat next to us. Ms. Lamb called Julia over.
"Ivy came to school today in non-regulation shoes."
"Oh, well, I'm sorry, Mrs. Lamb, if my daughter is bang on trend."
"They're too big for her and they have a kitten heel."
"Dress for the job you want, I always say. Fine. Well I will add, um, late night shoe shopping to the list of things I have to do tonight."
Julia sits back down.
"Next." Liz got up.
Meg looks over at Julia and I and says, "That is an incredible woman."
Julia looks a bit dumbfounded, "Lamb?"
Meg goes on, "She's a Rottweiler in a jazzy jumper. That's a power player. I'd have her working for me." I have no idea what she just said but go off I guess.
Amanda then walked in and greeted Meg, "Meg! We haven't met properly yet. I'm sure everyone's told you but I'm Amanda. Ta-da!" Amanda chuckled.
"Amanda... My daughter's name is Amanda," Meg remarked.
Amanda commented, "Oh how funny!"
Meg went on, "Well, I've got five girls so one of them was gonna end up being called Amanda."
"We've actually got a friend in common. Sal Lawson."
"Oh, yeah, Sal. You know Sal?"
"Mhm, yes very well, she's a dear, dear friend of mine."
"I don't really like Sal. I think she's a two-faced bitch, actually."
Amanda stands in brief silence, secretly dumbfounded but I know that she wouldn't admit that, "...Yes, thank you, I totally- no, I agree. I hate that about her. Right, I better run, but we are getting coffee, okay?"
"Yeah, definitely."
"Love it." Amanda then thankfully left.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I mean, I'd only have to do it for a couple of years... you know, just to get me into that pay bracket."
"Take it then." I'm sat at the café, with Liz trying to help Julia with a job promotion she was offered. Kind of. Liz is partially distracted with a magazine she's reading at the same time. I'm doing the usual, concepting for clients with my sketchbook.
"Yeah, but I'm already struggling with the workload that I've got..."
"Don't take it then." It goes on like that for a minute or two.
"...How would she do it?" Julia notices Meg outside.
"Take it, then." Liz looks up, confused, "Hang on, no. Don't take it, then. Which one are we on?"
Meg enters the café. Amanda immediately tries to get her attention."Meg! Meg. Meg, come join. There's a seat here. Budge up, Anne."
"You're all right, Mandy, I'm gonna go sit over there by the toilets."
"It's Amanda."
"I can't have two Amandas in my life, love."
"Well, I can't be Mandy, I'm obviously not a Mandy." She is.
Meg thinks it over, "Big Amanda?"
"Er... no."
"Okay, Old Amanda."
Meg walks over and sits down at our table. "What happens over there in pony club, then?"
I jokingly explain, "It's basically a self-harm table. You go over there if you want to feel worse about yourself." Though, that's not far from the truth.
Liz adds on, "Amanda's the queen, all the rest are like her ladies in waiting. Except for Anne, who's basically Paul Burrell. They all hate Anne but she knows too much now."
Meg comments, "And you're at the table by the bogs because you're the outcasts. The cool kids."
Liz adds, "Yeah. And Kevin."
Meg thinks to herself, "Kevin... Like it. Right, all of you are coming over to mine tonight. Invite your fourth musketeer."
"Alright," I reply.
Meg looks at Julia, "You too chatty chops!"
"...Nah." Julia says.
"Gotta go, the kids have got football in half an hour. Right, 7:00 p.m., don't be late, don't bring anything," Meg whispers the next part, "and don't tell the Stepford Wives."
Liz and I chuckle. This is going to be great...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Liz, Kevin, and I arrive at the doorstep of Julia's house. Julia opens the door, "Yo."
Liz asks, "You coming to Meg's then or what?"
Julia shakes her head, "Nope, I got too much work to do."
I questioned her, "What work?"
"Head work, Manaria, I need to make a decision about this bloody job."
Kevin doesn't like that, "Come on, spoilsport. When do we ever get a night out together? Jill's babysitting."
"I don't want to go to Meg's, okay?"
"What's your beef with her? She's great," Liz says to Julia.
"Yes, well she's not my type, Liz. You know, she's all, "I've got a great career, five kids and I'm a right bloody laugh." You know, something's not right there," Julia answers.
"Oh come on, it's literally only across the road," I say to her.
"Yeah. You know, you could have a nose about. She might be a hoarder or a Scientologist or something," Liz tries to persuade Julia.
Julia sighs, "Fine, I'll get my crocs..."
"That's the spirit!" I say happily.
We walked across the road to Meg's.
Meg opens the door, "Kev, Jules, Rina, Liz. I can't abbreviate your name. Get in!"
She kisses us all on our cheek as we walk in. Well, all except one. (But technically, I'm not supposed to know that, haha...)
"White wine, ladies?"
"Thanks."
Meg's house is big. Well, physically it's about the same size as Julia's, but it just feels bigger... I assume it's because of the way everything is laid out? There has to be some sort of Marie Kondo kind of shit going on here. Who's their cleaner?
"Are you gonna just sulk all evening, then?" I was able to get a glimpse of Liz staring at Julia while saying this.
Bill, Meg's husband, walked in. "All right! This old git is my husband, Bill. Bill, these are the four pricks I was telling you about," Meg chuckled.
Kevin stood up, "Hi Bill." Kevin tries to kiss him (On the lips, mind you. Gay ass. (That's a joke. Probably. I think.)) but Bill stops him, hugging him instead.
"I'm a hugger, not a kisser, I'm afraid, big man."
Liz, Julia, and I just stare at him in astonishment. He awkwardly sits back down.
Bill then said, "Um, Jade just wants me to read The Lightning Thief to her again."
Lydia, one of Meg's children, comments, "Oh my God, I loved that book when I was a kid."
Kevin tries to join in, but it falls a bit flat, "Me too."
Bill added on, "When I come back down I am gonna mix everyone a wicked little number called Ireland's Tears. Bloody delicious and lethal. Lydia, put some trousers on." Bill then left.
And there we were. Just a few pricks drinking wine. And Meg. And her step-child.
"Oh, bloody hell, Lyds, did you just fart on me? Alexa, who just farted on me?" Meg says, hysterically laughing.
All the while Liz is lovingly looking at Julia while she's sulking in the corner of the sofa and Kevin and I are sitting there in awkward-ish silence. Kind of. Not sure how to explain it, but half of us are looking at Meg silently and sipping wine and the other half are gay. Eventually, Julia got up to use the loo.
"She's kinda pretty," Liz says under her breath. Hold on, you're the one who's in love with her! What the fuck do you mean kind of!?
"What was that?" Kevin asks, oblivious.
"Nothing." Liz glares slightly at him, drinking her glass of white wine.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Meg calls out to us from the hallway, "Liz, Kevin, Manaria! Get your coats on, chop chop!"
"Manaria, don't you have to get back for the children, tonight?" Julia tries to get herself out of this situation.
"Calliope and Marie are fine, they know how to use the airfryer and toaster oven, they've memorized my phone number and know how to use the house phone. I trust them. And my mother is staying over."
"See, no excuses," Meg tells Julia. "Love it! Very Annie Hall. MAMA!" Then she kissed her goodbye or something. I don't understand french.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Meg explains to us, "I did some work for Uber when they launched over here. They paid me in Ubers! Haha! Oh, bollocks! I've got a 10:30 work call with Mexico tonight." Wait, hold on, where the fuck does she work at?
Kevin tries to awkwardly join in, "What do you say to Mexico at 10:30?"
Meg answers, "Basically they just wanna know that you're there. You breathe down the phone at them, ask them to stick it all in an email. Lemon squeezy, hahaha!" She reaches into her bag, "You want some Stoli? I did some consultancy work for the Latvian government. They paid me in Stolis, yeah!" Meg hands us all a Stoli. Not gonna lie, if you do work and get anything but money out of it, I'd say it's a shit job, but with the amount of money she probably has it's probably fine. I think.
Kevin tries to join in. Again. "I-- I once did a temp job for a garden center. They basically let us take home any plant that was definitely gonna die."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I operate on gut feelings and I knew in my gut that you were my people, all of ya." She never shuts up, does she? It's like she's doing an oral book report presentation. One of those homilies at a catholic church with an American black priest in New Orleans (At least, that's what my experience was in my past life...). "You're all good friends and that's vital. It's vital you find your tribe. The last place I lived, we all had each other's backs. All the mums. We were like a battalion, a pack. We were all there for each other. No mum left behind. Say it."
"...No mum left behind!" Kevin blurts out.
"Julia!"
"...No mum left behind"
"Manaria!"
"N- no mum left behind...?"
"Liz!"
Liz breathes audibly, "...No."
But Meg finishes it for her, "-Mum left behind! That's right, Liz. Cheers sneers!" Meg then got up.
Kevin whispers to us, "She's like a TED Talk."
"She's right though, maybe I can do this," Julia says to us. "You know, I just need to get organized. Did you see her calendar? She's got, um, everything just meticulously planned out. I've got a calendar, so... Oh shit! I've missed my mum's birthday..."
She's absolutely fucked. One that some may call a 'girlfail'. Maybe that's why Liz is so helplessly in love with her. Everyone loves a good woman who can't seem to get her shit together, and no matter how hard she tries she just goes insane at the end.
Meg comes back with a tray of vodka shots, "I'd like to propose a toast to Julia's promotion."
"Oh, no, no, I'm-- I– I'm not sure if I'm gonna ... Fuck it! To me!"
We all take the shot at the same time and. Holy fuck. You don't understand how strong that tequila is. I can handle like about a bottle of cheap white white. That's how far my tolerance goes.
"Right, I'm going back for the rest." Meg turns back around to the bar.
"The rest?!" I say breathlessly.
Liz gets her coat on, "Right, I'm out of here."
Julia asks, "What? Why?"
"School night, innit?"
Julia tries to make Liz stay, "Yeah, it's only 8:00. We'll just have a little dance and we'll be home by 10:00, Liz."
"That's not how tonight's gonna play out." Liz points to Meg, "That one has a fridge full of Yops and Red Bulls. That's a classic 90s comedown concoction." Something tells me that she's right. But I wouldn't tell anyone that, of course. I already know more than I should, why bring it up?
"She's got a 10:30 with Mexico, Liz." Kevin tells her.
"No, I'm off. Got the flat to myself. My tequila should kick in right about the time I'm in the bath having a wank."
"Okay..." Kevin gets up, glancing nervously at Meg. "Bye, Liz."
"Bye-" Before she could say anything else, Kevin kissed her. On the lips. Trying to get Meg to see. Obviously, Liz was not happy with that.
Kevin lets go, but then realized Meg didn't see. "Damn it!"
" 'Damn it'?! What about me?! That's going to give me PTSD!" Liz exclaimed while wiping her lips off.
Kevin tries again, this time slapping her bum, which she responded to by punching his shoulder. The punch was obviously really strong as Kevin immediately fell back into the seat, groaning in pain. Liz walked off.
Meg walked back to our table, taking in more shots, "The music here is shit, let's go someplace else."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Suddenly we've found ourselves in a club. I'm awkwardly trying to jam it out with earplugs in my ears. I don't like loud music, or any loud sounds for that matter.
Julia tries to shout over the music, "How does she do what she does and still be such a goer?"
Kevin answers, "...Red Bull and Yop?"
"D'you know what, it might be the tequila talking, but I'm going to ask her to be my mentor." Julia then tries to walk over to a clearly intoxicated Meg. I end up following her.
Meg falls over but still keeps on dancing on the floor. "I think I'm gonna go do a sick."
I end up following Julia to the men's restroom, where Meg walked into to vomit, taking out one of my earplugs as I walk in. We ended up walking into Kevin also trying to zip up his pants because he was trying to piss.
"Kenny, what's the time?"
"Nearly 10:30."
Julia asks, "What are you doing, Kevin?"
Meg gets out her ringing phone. "Hola! Okay, si, muy bien." In my past life, my elementary school had a mandatory Spanish class, but outside of that I couldn't understand what she said, besides the word 'electronico' and 'perfecto' or whatever.
"Jill is the only other person who's seen my willy," Kevin says.
"...What about your mum?" I ask.
"How dare you!" He retaliates, but increasingly gets worried. "What if she tells Bill? Or Jill?!"
"She's drunk, I don't think she cares," I say under my breath.
"No, I- I'm gonna go and talk to her. Just- just make sure there's no weirdness." Sounds like a classic Kevin idea. It's horrible.
Meg ends up kissing Kevin. Julia ends up pulling them apart, "Okay loose lips, it's time to go home!"
"Mm, NO!" Meg drunkenly runs off, without dropping a few glasses on the floor first.
"What have I done? I think she's in love with me!" Kevin worriedly states.
Julia and I look at Meg. "Yeah no, I think you're off the hook, Kev," I tell him. Meg is passionately making out with some random woman she just met.
"Oh wow," Kevin says.
"I kinda wish I was her," I state.
"Right, I think she's completely nuts, I think we should just leave her!" Julia says, but Kevin disagrees.
"We can't! No mum left behind!"
Julia sighs, "Fine, you get her, I'll call a cab, yeah?"
Kevin looks back, "...Where did she go?"
"Oh, hey, hey! Have you seen our friend, the woman we came in with?" Julia asks the security guard.
He scoffs, "She's over there." He points to Meg, who's across the street being questioned by the police with her belt unfastened.
"...Oh shit," I comment. We walk across the road.
Julia interrupts, "Yeah, no, sorry, I'm so sorry, officer, she- she's with us."
One of the officers turns to us, "Look, this woman just needs to go home. She was urinating in the street."
"Jesus, sorry you have to deal with this-" I say before Kevin immediately jumping in, "Absolutely, she doesn't go out much-"
The officer interrupts, "Oh, well, that's funny, because we booked her here on Saturday."
Before I could say anything, Julia looks out to the street, "Oh I think that's our Uber- DYC- DYC! Kevin, quick, get her in."
Kevin gets Meg inside the car, but she goes out the other side. "Oh my God, Kevin, go and get her!"
I follow Kevin out, and he tries to get her to get down to the car, "Right, I- I'm gonna count to three. One... two... two and a half..."
"Oh for fuck's sake," I intervene, trying to forcefully get her down by pulling her off, "Alright Meg, time to go-" but she pushes me off. "NO!"
I fell to the concrete, my behind taking most of the blow but my head still got hit. "Eugh..."
"Manaria! Are you okay?" Kevin helps me up. Julia runs over, "Guys, can't we just leave her? I- I really hate this and I want to go."
Kevin disagrees, "Julia, no mum left behind! What if she gets killed or something? I don't want blood on my hands."
"Oh for fuck's..." Julia looked absolutely done with this shit.
"Just call Liz," I mumble, loud enough for them to hear.
"Julia! 'Naria! Kev! There's a party on the bus now!" Meg is up on the top of the bus, yelling from the window. I'm sitting down on the bench holding my head. I desperately needed an ice pack.
Liz stepped out of her cab, "Wait here for a minute, yeah?" She looks at us, "Where is she?" We just point to the bus.
Liz runs over to the bus and we follow. "Oi, Meg. I've got some tequila."
Meg literally falls down the bus stairs, and drunkenly gets up, "Tequila!" She's beyond saving.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Ah, get me booze!" We had to drag her into her house.
"Right, Meg, you're home now-" "I want booze!"
"Shut her in here, Kev, so she doesn't wake the kids," Liz instructs Kevin.
I look through Meg's freezer for an ice pack. "Fuck, there's nothing..."
Meg yells from the closet we locked her in, "Alexa, play my New Year's playlist!"
"Shit, shit, how d'you turn- where's the, where's the thing?" Kevin is surprisingly not very tech savvy (especially for someone who has Tumblr...).
"Alexa. Turn the music off," Liz yells. "Right, I'm sorting this."
I end up following Liz and Julia into Meg's bathroom.
"She's a loon, she is a monster. She is a monster," Julia is exhausted.
"Well, I told you." Liz starts looking through the drawers.
"Can you get me some pain killers?" Liz tosses me a bottle of pain-killers. I pop a pill and rub the side of my face. "Oh, fuck I'm bleeding..." Liz tosses me some bandages. "Thanks..." I try to cover up the scratches on the side of my face.
"...What are you making there?" Julia asks.
"George's Marvelous Medicine. Berocca with a splash of various knockout juices," Liz is surprisingly calm about all of this.
"What, you're going to drug her?"
"Yeah."
"Okay, cool."
Liz looks up. "Wait, who's watching Meg?"
We run down and Meg is loose. "Stop her, Kev!"
"I've gotta be up in two hours!"
I try to physically restrain Meg but she pushes me. Again. I think that gave me a bruise on the side of my face, though it's covered up by my long hair.
She ended up just escaping through a window.
We all just sighed, gave up, and left. "Night then." "Fuck this shit." "Okay." "I'm off home."
I ended up walking home and just flopping down onto bed, getting a grand total of 4 hours of sleep. Yay.
In the morning, Marie and Calliope weren't too concerned, thankfully. I did end up replacing the bandage though.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Oh my God. Look what the cat dragged to school." Amanda looked at us. We all looked exhausted. "What happened to you lot last night?"
"Don't want to talk about it," Kevin sighs.
Liz answers, "Out with Meg. That is not going to be a pretty sight."
But when Meg arrived, she was unchanged. Absolutely up and running. What the fuck.
"It lives," Liz jokes.
"Top of the morning! What a great night, last night, eh? We gotta do it again sometime. Tuesday?"
"Absolutely not," I stated.
Julia is absolutely dumbfounded, "I- I- I'm really tired. You must be hanging in rags."
"No, I feel fine! Right. See you later, go, scoot," Meg energetically lets her kids loose to school.
"Wait wait wait wait, wait, sorry. Can I just ask you how you..." Julia runs over to Meg, just far away enough for us to see her, but I couldn't hear her after that.
After all that, I walked to the café with Liz and tried to get at least some work done, while also drinking about 3 cups of coffee. I probably got about half of a sketch done. I need a long ass sleep.