I cry in the bath. I cry in the bed. I cry on the floor. I cry at the desk. I cry and cry and cry until I have no more tears. My sobs are not solely for my father, they're for everything. They're for my grandfather, for myself-for the innocence and happiness I used to enjoy scarcely in my brief moments of contentedness in the few foster homes I was placed in that didn't treat me like dirt of scum or like some freak from an alien planet that didn't belong there.
When I hear what has to be the thousandth knock today at the door of the room I clench my eyes shut tightly. Can they not just leave me alone? Is it not enough for them that they have taken my father? What else can they possibly do to me? How many ways are there to torment a person? How many have people ticked off in my life in regard to me?
I sniffle, hoping that if I ignore whoever is on the other side of the door they will simply go away. I am uninterested in speaking to any of my brothers, even the ones who weren't there for when Aleksander and Petro forced my father-my last hope-straight out of the door. Literally.
"Annie." Maxim says loudly. I burrow myself deeper under the covers at the sound of his voice, sniffling. A moment goes by before the door is clicked open carefully. I hear his footsteps as he makes his way over to me. The bed dips beneath his weight as he takes a seat. "Anastasiya." He says softly. "I know you're awake. I want to talk to you."
"Whenever I talk to any of you all you do is lie." I say, my voice breaking with each word.
"I can do my best to answer some of your questions, Annie." He tells me gently. "I know this is all confusing, and I'm sorry. But I want to try help you understand some parts. Ask me anything you'd like."
I turn to look at him fully, laying on my side. If I do ask him things, how do I know if he will even tell the truth? What if he lies? What if Petro sent him up here to deceive me?
"I'm not related to Demian." I state. He looks surprised that I know that but does not interrupt. "Am I not related to any of you?"
"Demian is the only one of us you're not related to. But that doesn't mean you can't see him as your brother."
"He's not my brother." I say.
"Okay." He responds carefully. He sighs. "Aside from you and Demian, the rest of us are fully related. We have the same mother and father. Our father cheated on our mother and had Demian, and our mother cheated on our father and had you."
"Does that mean I'm wasn't really related to grandad?" I ask, ready to evoke a fresh round of tears.
"Of course you are." He says. "Grandad is our mother's father."
"Oh." I whisper, relief cascading down on me at his reassuring words. "Okay." I add softly, nodding a little bit. "Why-why.." I trail off.
"Why what, honey?" He urges.
"Why did I not live with you before?" I swallow the lump stuck in my throat. "Why was I in foster care?"
He glances away, then back at me, as though he was hoping that when he looked back he'd be having different conversation. But he isn't. He said he'd answer my questions and I'm not going to let him leave until I know everything I want to know.
He sighs gently. "You lived with us up until the age of three and a half." He tells me. "My father adored you, because our mother had passed you off as being his child. You adored him too. But then he figured out that you weren't his, and he no longer wanted you in the house. Our mother wanted to send you to live with grandad and our grandmother, since she was still alive then. He pretended he was going to go along with the plan but instead he had you sent away. None of us knew where you went.
"After that, the small bit of love they had for each other disappeared." He inhales a breath, "our mother died a few years ago. My father was the one to kill her. And he shot himself a year later."
My eyes widen and I have the sudden urge to throw up. He killed her? He killed her because the state of their relationship declined all because I was born as a result of an affair? I'm going to be sick. He killed her? Their father killed our mother? Because of me? Because I was born?
I sob, realising suddenly why my life is so horrible. I have been doomed from the beginning. Set up. Marginalised. As soon as I was brought into the world the plot for my mother's demise was also planted. She died because I lived.
"Anastasiya." Maxim's voice penetrates through my fog of dismay, heartbreak and shock. He sets his hand on my back and I wince, moving away instantly. "Annie, I know this is horrible, but none of it was because of you. You know that, don't you?"
I don't respond to him, wiping my free falling tears. He regards me with sympathy, tilting his head a little bit.
"Wh-why were they so mean to-to my father?"
"I can't tell you that." He says.
"Why?" I ask.
"Because I can't." He responds. "I'm sorry. But just know that everything that happened today with him, everything that Petro and Aleksander did, was for good reason. It's all for your protection."
"From my own father?" I ask.
"Yes." He replies simply. "And Anastasiya, I know that's hard to hear. I know that you want to get to know him and build a relationship with him but we can't let you, not with a good conscience."
"This is my life!" I say shakily. "You can't not tell me!"
"I know it's frustrating, Annie. I do, okay? But whether you like to hear it or not, you're very young and a lot of this information will do more good than bad. You just have to trust me when I say it's in your best interest, okay?"
"That's not fair!" I exclaim.
"I'm doing my best to answer all your questions as I said I would. That's all I can do for you for now, I'm sorry."
"If you were sorry then you would tell me!" I exclaim, my tone raising to more of a shout as each word leaves my lips. "You wouldn't just do whatever Petro says! Petro doesn't know anything! He probably wants to stop you from telling me because he doesn't want me to know anything about my own life! He is evil!"
"Annie." He says. "I know it's hard to believe but he is doing his best to help and protect you. You mean a lot to him."
"Give me a break." I roll my eyes. "He cares more about the scuff marks on his shoes than me!"
"That's not true."
"Yes it is!" I exclaim. "He's been nothing but horrible to me since the moment he came to get me from school, and now I'm supposed to trust that he wants what's best for me? All he wants is what's best for himself! I'm surprised he even came to get me and didn't get one of you to do it, since you all jump to do whatever he says!"
"I know you're upset-"
"Obviously I'm upset!" I shout. "I have to live here with horrible people! You won't even let me go to my grandfathers house for one night! I don't even know any of you!"
"I know, but we want you to get to know us-"
"Why would I do that when none of you tried to get to know me?" I ask, suddenly feeling like I'm unable to breathe.
"Anastasiya," his eyes fill with concern, "I know you're upset but you need to calm down."
"No I don't, I need to go home!" I shout before erupting into a fresh round of sobs. "I don't want to be here! Please just take me home! Please!"
"I can't do that, Annie. You just have to stay here with us, okay?"
"No! I want to go home!"
"This is your home now."
"No it's not!"
"Yes, it is." He says, a little bit more firmly.
Behind him, I see the door open wider. Aleksander walks in. "What's going on? What's with all the yelling?"
"Just give us a minute." Maxim says to him.
"What's wrong, Anastasiya?" Aleksander asks, ignoring him.
"Take a guess!" I exclaim, beyond done with all of them. How dare he ask me what's wrong as though he isn't already well aware? How dare he act like he doesn't know what he has done to me?
"I know you're upset your father had to go-"
"He didn't have to go, you made him leave!"
"You won't be seeing him again, it's best if you come to terms with that now." Aleksander finishes, taking no notice of my proclamation.
"That's not fair!" I shout.
"It's what's happening, Ana." He says. "I know it's confusing and frustrating but you just need to know that this is for the best."
"Stop saying that!" I exclaim.
"I think that you need some time alone." Aleksander says, "why don't we leave you to process everything?"
"Yeah, why don't you leave?" I respond loudly. "I never asked you to come in here!"
Aleksander grabs Maxim, making him stand up off the bed. Maxim only sighs before dutifully following Aleksander from the room. I frown, curling my arms around my waist as I burst into tears again.
I do not see any of my brothers for the rest of the day. Ivanna brings me some food which I barely touch. When it's time to go to bed I waste no time before resting my cheek on the pillow and falling asleep.
It's Ivanna who wakes me up the next morning, too. She tells me she's making pancakes and to come down when I am ready. Once I've gotten changed and brush my teeth I go downstairs nervously, already wearing my backpack and coat.
I walk into the kitchen and pause in the doorway when I see Petro sitting at the counter. Ivanna is nowhere to be found, but there is a plate of pancakes in front of the place I usually sit at, a stool down from where Petro resides.
He looks over at me. Immediately I notice the tiredness in his eyes and realise that he must've woken up earlier than usual, since he is never down here for breakfast when I am.
"Sit down and eat." He orders.
"I'm not hungry."
"Then just sit down."
I frown, slowly walking over to the counter. I sit on the opposite side from him, away from the plate and as far away from him as I can get.
"I understand you were.. upset after yesterday."
I don't respond to his statement.
"I know it may be hard for you to believe, but by sending your father away I was trying to protect you." He says. "I never should've let you meet him in the first place, he isn't a good man."
"And you are?" I ask boldly.
His jaw hardens. "This isn't about me, this is about him. It was.. wrong to let you see him and then make him leave. I understand that, and I'm.. sorry. But you will not be seeing him ever again, so it's best you let go of the idea of him, because I'm betting that you're imagining him to be a kind and innocent person, which he is far from."
"I don't care." I whisper. "He is my father."
"Only by blood." He tells me.
"That's because you made him leave, so now we won't be able to know each other."
"Which is for the best." He tells me. "Now eat the food, I'll be taking you to school."
"Why?"
He doesn't respond. He stands up and rounds the counter, making his way over to the fridge. He grabs out a packed lunch bag.
"I checked on your school account yesterday. You didn't get any lunch."
"I wasn't hungry." I say, confused as to why he even cares. He was the one who let me go days without eating because he forbade me from leaving my room.
"Well I hope you are today, because Ivanna will be checking it later." He says.
"Why?"
"Because I'm not having you go on a hunger strike just because you're upset."
"I'm not going on a hunger strike."
"Then we won't have a problem, will we?" He asks.
He sets the packed lunch bag in front of me and I take it with much reluctance, putting it into my backpack. He slides the plate of pancakes in front of me and leaves without another word.
As I eat slowly, dread begins to pool in my stomach. I don't want him to take me to school. Why does he even want to? Why is he and everyone else acting like he suddenly cares about me? He doesn't. He never has and he never will. I'd prefer if he gave up this act now before I begin to believe it which-like the majority of things my brothers do-will end up harming me in the long run.
I eat half the pancakes before I hear Petro call my name. The frown that has lingered ever since I saw him sitting here when I came down deepens and I stand up, leaving the kitchen slowly in subconscious hope that he'll get annoyed and decide to just let Danylo drive me. He doesn't. He waits by the door, then opens it and walks out, motioning for me to follow him. I do. He takes me over to the car waiting and I rush to the back of it, opening the door and climbing up into the back seat behind the passengers, unwilling to be any closer to him than I have to be.
I put my seatbelt on and he pulls out of the driveway, then takes us off of the property, driving through the grand gates.
For the whole drive we do not talk. When we get to the school it's a relief; I'll be able to escape the palpable awkwardness swarming the car like vengeful bees. I undo my seatbelt as he brings the vehicle to park and get out swiftly. He turns around to look at me as I do so but I ignore his gaze, eager to get away from him and his menacing and penalising stare.
I go up to my form room. My eyes scour the space until they land on the desk I share with Ian at the back. I find him already there, reading a thick book with a ripped cover.
An idea comes to mind. If my brothers-specifically Petro-want to take away my last chance at happiness, why should I hold even an emblem of respect (or I suppose a better name for it would be fear) for them and the rules they impose upon me?
I don't like Ian. At all. Not one bit. I hate him and I hate everything he did to me and allowed his friends to do as he remained silent and did nothing to help me. But I can put that aside in order to show my brothers they can't boss me around, can't I?
I walk over to the desk and sit down. He glances up from his book. He smiles at me. When I smile back at him something like relief crosses his soft features.
"Hi." He says.
"Hello." I whisper.
He looks back to his book, the smile lingering on his face. I pull my notebook out and continue to draw my makeshift comic book for the remainder of form time, however in the back of my mind I begin to plot a dire plan that will show my brothers once and for all that they will not be able to control me-that they can't tell me what to do or who to talk to. I refuse to believe their lies any longer-because those are all that come out of their mouths: lies!