I had every intention on going to Jesse party. But when I found out I was pregnant I just couldn't face anyone. I was pregnant with a rapists baby. I had thought, hoped and prayed that it was Reece's but it wasn't. I knew it wasn't. When the doctor told me the dates I knew it was Josh's. I felt sick. I didn't know what to do. I didn't believe in having an abortion. But I didn't know what to do with having a baby that was the product of me being raped. I thought about if I could love my child. Would I look at him or her and see Josh and feel angry. I had so much feelings and really didn't know what to do. I've told no one and it's eating me up inside. I want to tell someone but I feel so ashamed.
I made my way downstairs wondering why my sister kept calling my name.
"Why do you..." I stopped at the sight of my best friends standing there; looking somewhat annoyed but worried at the same time.
I just started crying. Natalie came over to me and held me.
"Sis... look. These lot are worried sick! I haven't told them a thing but I did tell them to come today. You have to talk to them... Tell them." She said to me.
"I... I can't. You tell them." I said.
"Me? Really?"
"Yeah. I can't repeat it. I can't."
"Erm... well I wasn't expecting to be the one to tell you. So I'm just going to come out and say it. The reason Tasha has disappeared isn't because she was upset about her and Josh breaking up. It's because... it's because Josh raped her."
"WHAT?" Alex and Steph said whilst Jess just put her hands over her mouth.
"Yeah... turns out Josh was behind the attack. He planned it so he could save her. So he could get into her life. Apparently she's the reason him and his wife broke up. She gave advice to a woman who was his wife and she left. You know during the time she had Talk2Tasha active."
"Oh my God. T..." Alex said.
"There's more..." Natalie said.
"What more could there be?" Steph asked.
"He... made her pass out before raping her. Then disappeared before Reece found her. He still hasn't been found. This Josh name isn't his real name. The police are not sure what his real name is. He's basically a John Doe."
"So he's still out there?" Alex said.
"Yeah." Natalie answered.
"Okay... that's fine. We'll kill him. It's okay." Alex said.
I laughed inside. This was exactly what I expected from Alex. Violence.
"Because of all of this... Tasha doesn't go anywhere." Natalie said.
"T... why didn't you call me? You know I would have been right by your side. Why go through this on your own. No offence Natalie but I know you pushed her away at times. That's what I mean when I say on your own. I get not everything is shared. I get we all hide stuff until we are ready to say but this is big. Maybe having your loved ones around will help you try to get back to you have somewhat of a normal life." Steph said to me.
"Well... I was going to tell you guys. But when I was able to say it and not break down and cry. It's hard." I said.
"That's why you didn't come to the party?" Jessica asked.
"No... I intended on coming. You see... my mum came around and she told me and Natalie some thing we didn't know. In doing so we built bridges and she helped me a lot. I got up to come to Jesses birthday. But you see.. that same day... I found out I was pregnant..."
"What?" Natalie said shocked.
"Yeah. That's why I've gone back to being how I am. I just couldn't face anyone. If you offered me alcohol I wouldn't be able to drink. How could I tell you I was pregnant and not tell you it was by my rapist ex? So I just climbed back into my dark world I've been living in."
"Oh Tash!!!" Jess said and came to hug me.
They all hugged me. I couldn't stop crying. It's hard to talk about something like this. I mean I feel like I'm reliving it all again. I trusted someone for the first time and they betrayed my trust. I was blinded by what I thought was genuine love when it was all part of his plan. And now when I wish I could forget it. I can't because I'm pregnant with his child.
I cried so much I ended up falling asleep. It was one of the best sleeps I can remember having. When I woke up I decided to go in the shower. Once out and dressed I felt a bit better.
I made my way downstairs and they was all watching a film.
"Hey sleeping beauty. How you feeling?" Alex asked me.
"I felt like I needed that sleep." I answered.
"That's good. Come sit down." Steph said.
"Look guys. I want to feel or at least try to feel normal so please can we not talk about me. I want to hear what's going on with you all. Please."
"Fine... well... the girls met Cassy... Delano's baby mother." Jess said as she rolled her eyes.
"Oh I see.. I take it you don't like her?" I asked.
"Hell no!" Jess said.
"She seemed genuine. But Jess is convinced it's all a show." Natalie added.
"It is all a show! She has an agenda and I'm going to get to the bottom of it. She has no interest in Deandra."
"How do you know?" I asked.
"For start... she never calls to speak to her or FaceTime. She just keeps turning up at my house as if she wants me to keep punching her in the face."
"You hit her?"
"First time she turned up to my house yes I did. She had no right!"
I giggled. Jessica was well and truly back.
"Also... she never suggests coming to drop her to school or picking her up. Having mother and daughter time. It's always when can she come over to visit Deandra. And if she knows Delano isn't around... she won't even bother."
"What does Delano say about this?" I asked.
"That fool? He can't see it! Says she's "trying" I just said to him when I turn into crazy lady and start beating asses no one stop me!" Jess said making us all laugh.
"Looks like baby daddy's and baby mothers are a real problem." Alex said.
"Baby daddy's?" We all said.
"Okay so I forgave Ryan. Built bridges with both him and Carla. Made Ryan see Zack more often. Things were going great. Until Carla gave birth and the baby was mixrace."
"No wayyyyy!!" Jess said.
"Gurrrrlllllll... Ryan said even Carla was shocked. But he knew she knew deep down. That's why all she could say was sorry."
"Sorry? That bitch wrecked your relationship finally got him for herself and still wasn't happy?" Jessica said to Alex.
"She didn't wreck my relationship. Ryan wrecked our relationship and I'm over that because if he didn't I wouldn't have met Calum. But see here's the problem. Since this whole baby not being his. Ryan is over mine all the time. Wanting to see and make up for lost time. I'm not going to deny him that time especially because I know he doesn't want to be at his house. He ain't got the money to move out. Plus he still wants to be around their daughter. But apparently he's in the spare room and doesn't talk to her. So he comes early in the morning and takes Zack to school. He goes to work. Then picks Zack up after school. Brings him home and by the time I get in from work he's got Zack bathed and doing his homework. Kind of defeats us having a nanny although she still deals with Jerry. Anyway, Calum ain't happy. Calum is convinced Ryan still has feelings for me. I'm stuck in the middle. I ain't trying to piss my boyfriend off but I ain't trying to kick Ryan when he's already down."
"Ryan still needs to know boundaries though Alex. Like you need to get a routine. For example; Monday he does morning school run. Tuesday he does afternoon school run. Wednesday you, the nanny or Calum deal with Zack. Thursday he does morning school run, Friday he does afternoon school run. Then you alternate each weekend. He still has his daughter. So if he's at your house every day then what about his daughter?" I said to her.
"Tasha's right. If this never happened would he be around so much?" Jessica asked.
"You lot are right. I'm going to say something as soon as I leave because Calum been giving me the cold shoulder and I can't have that."
"Yeah sort it Alex. Ryan made his bed. Now he's got to deal with the consequences." Steph said.
"Thanks girls. I've been racking my brain about what the hell am I going to do!" Alex said.
"Well Tasha if you can help Alex I'm going to need you to help me. First of all... I'm pregnant again guys." Steph said.
My eyes popped open!
"For who?" I asked.
"Erm.... Malcom?" She said as if it was meant to be obvious.
We all looked at each other then burst out laughing. I hadn't laughed in ages. But this was funny.
"I don't understand why you lot are laughing." Steph said dead serious.
"Sorry... but are you really pregnant for Malcom? YOU ... for MALCOM!!!" Natalie said.
"Ha Ha Ha! Yeah yeah I know... what can I say. I needed sex and I'm not interested in starting anything with anyone at the moment. So you know the saying "better the devil you know"? Well in this case... it was "better the dick you know.." Steph said making us laugh even more.
"Gurrrlllll Malcom is the ONLY dick you know!" Jess said whilst laughing.
"Okay okay but I need help. Mum says I'm using him knowing he still wants me. And that's true. I saw nothing wrong with it. Other than he was getting really clingy but confident he would get me back. He still refusing to sign the papers. Now I'm pregnant he's not going to let me go. But also how do I deal with two children under the age of two?"
"You still love him..." I said.
Stephanie rolled her eyes.
"How I feel is irrelevant."
"But it's not. When you was hurting Malcom couldn't come in your house let alone in your bed. Now you know he wants you you ran with it. You will hold onto not trusting him hoping that would work for you. But it doesn't. Now you're pregnant. You're scared. Because if Malcom wanted to walk away and not be in the children's life. He could. You couldn't. You're worried people will think you're the fool who took him back. You're worried he'll cheat again. What you need to do is sit him down and tell him..."
"Wait... you haven't told him?" Alex asked.
"No she hasn't told him. I know Steph. She would wait until she had to give birth if she could before telling him. So yeah... you need to tell him. You need to say how you really feel. How he's made you feel. Then you need to work on it from there. That's the only way you will be able to be happy. And to also have the support you need from your kids father."
"Wow. You're so good at this." Jessica said.
I smiled. I guess being around the girls was what I needed. I wasn't better. But I knew if I stayed being around them then it would only be a matter of time before I could start getting on with my life...