The Fault In Our Stars - Troye Sivan
!!tw; homophobia, physical and emotional abuse!!
the ride back home is silent between mom and me.
she focuses on the road while i just look down at my hands, ashamed of what i've done.
i know she'll scream at me when we get home. it's obvious. i cannot even phantom about how rough josh's parents are yelling at him. his parents, specially his dad, are pretty religious. his siblings are too.
poor of my joshua...it's all my fault.
we arrive home and quietly walk inside. the house's atmosphere is gloomy; i don't like that. it makes me feel insecure and scared. i don't want to repeat the horrible moments that happened years ago. that's the last thing i want.
mom leaves her things on the kitchen table. i sit on the living room, on the floor. i don't feel deserving enough to sit on the couch or a chair. she doesn't look at me while she goes around getting things and places them on the coffee table.
it i feel sinful. as i should.
she finally sits down on the couch in front of me; a box of tissues, two glasses of water, and a plate with cookies are on the table now. i look at her, tears already forming in my eyes. melanie is gonna pissed if she knows i ruined her hard work by crying.
"tyler, please sit down,"she motions at the free space next to her on the couch. i do as told, i don't want her to be mad now.
"sweetie, why didn't you tell me about this?"
"about what? my sexuality? i thought it was pretty obvious."
"it wasn't. i really thought josh and you were just best friends. i never imagined...any of this."
i take a deep breath as i feel tears falling down my cheeks. "lo siento..."i mumble. my mom knows very little of spanish, the only things she can recognize are because i got a few mannerisms from mr. miranda.
she has a faint smile on her face. it's the kind of smile you give someone when you pity them. i hope this is not the case. "i know you're sorry, sweetie. it's alright. there is no need for you to apologize at all. you know that i love you no matter who you choose to love or what you wear or anything like that."
she wipes my tears with one of the tissues. she kisses my forehead like she used to do when i was little, she gets a small smile out of me. "thank you."
"i do have a question though. what exactly is your sexuality, if you don't mind me asking?"
"demisexual, mom. it means that for the most part, i don't feel sexual attraction. many demisexuals are only attracted to a handful of people in their lifetimes, or even just one person."
"what?" i can see her confusion. she probably thought i was just gonna say "gay" or "bisexual".
"i want to have sex only with the people who are closest to me. for example, josh."
"you still can..."
"yes, mom. i can still have kids if i want. i fall in love with people, no matter how they identify as. the only difference is the sexual part of the relationship."
"hmm. okay. i support you 100%, tyler." she looks more informed now. i'm so lucky to have her. most parents would've kicked me out of the house right now. not her. "thank you. so much."
she's the strongest person i know. i admire her for that. losing her husband to a random college girl and having to send three of your kids away to a boarding school so they didn't have to witness the painful divorce is a lot to carry on. yet she did it like it was nothing. i still wonder why she decided to make me stay.
i've discarded the option of loneliness since ages ago. i'm starting to think it's because of this, so she can have a fresh start and raise a kid just right.
"i love you, sweetheart."
"i love you too, mom."
❂
i never thought that my house could be such a mess. both of my parents are in the kitchen yelling at each other. i watch and hear them from the top of the stairs. my shitty siblings are god knows where. they're so lucky right now..
i once saw this same situation before. not the same reasons for it to happen, but this scene in particular is very reminiscent. it reminds me of that one time it happened when i was over at tyler's. we were around 7 years old when it unfolded. he never looked more scared for his mom's well being.
i wish he were here to hold me the way i did that night.
"our son is fucking gay! how the fuck do you expect me to think this is what god wanted?" i hear my dad bring up the religious side of him and i know this fight or argument or whatever it is won't end well.
"no one gives a fuck about what god wants, bill! are you telling me that just because our son likes boys you're not gonna treat him like your child?"
"he is no child of mine if he decides to go down the path of lucifer!"
"this is not a thing he chooses to be!"
i can't help but cry at all of this. i know that if i go down there my dad will throw something at me and kick me out without a word being said.
blocking out all of those screams is nearly impossible. i want to run. i want to hide. i want to undo all of this. i want to go back and turn down tyler when he insisted we did the play. my parents wouldn't have find out about this until i moved out. that was the plan.
move out, come out, never speak to anyone but mom again.
now it's all ruined.
"joshua! come down here, you piece of shit!"my dad yells from the living room.
i run down the stairs, almost tripping due to my blurry vision. the tears flow like a river. i can't stop crying.
once i make it to the living room, dad slaps me across the face and i fall down on my back. the floor is harder than it looks like, i can feel the pain all over my body. my right elbow hurts the most. bruises are definitely gonna be all over me after this.
i wait for him to keep going, i wait for him to kick and punch me until i pass out or even die. i wait for him to keep screaming. he doesn't.
"i swear to our lord, joshua, if you dare to see tyler ever again you'll get your faggot ass kicked out of this household."
"he's my boyfriend, dad! of course i'm going to see him again! and i'll bring him home. you cannot control whether or not i do that!" i slowly get back up. he's taken distance now. he's not brave enough to beat me up.
"you're sick, joshua! this is not-..."
"i don't give a flying fuck what you say! i'm going to still date my beautiful boyfriend who accepts me no matter what! you'll have to suck it up and deal with it until i get the fuck out of here."
mom looks astonished as i say that. i never talked back to either of them before. dad only looks pissed. he takes a deep breath and leaves through the main door.
it is quiet for a few seconds before i burst into tears again. mom hugs me and tells me how proud she is of me. i know that dad could've been way worse, and he probably will be later.
i don't care about that now.
my mind only wonders how tyler's mom is taking it.
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this was a mess, i'm sorry
i'm currently sleep deprived and can't be bothered to edit this oops
happy pride month, btw!! gay it up yo,,
thanks for 3.9k reads!! you guys are the most amazing people ever. ily @ y'all
don't forget to put your mental health first, kiddos
idk what else to say so bye
-alaska