*warning* - this chapter contains a bit of mature stuff. not too explicit but just giving a heads up ;)
LIA
It all happened so fast. We were in Matt's room, had stumbled through the darkness, pulled off our clothes and hardly left each other's lips. With a twist of his fingers on the clasp of my bra, I fell into his bed almost completely naked. Not a second passed before he joined me, slipping under the covers and running his hands over my bare skin. Half of me still couldn't believe where I was.
One minute I was in Matt's living room with people surrounding me, the next I was in his bed. Everything seemed to escalate so quickly from when he was shouting at Carter. Seeing that smug little face finally silenced was incredibly satisfying. Matt took over the whole situation with such power. With such force. Now, it was like my body was telling me to do whatever the hell it wanted.
And what it wanted in this moment – was him.
Oh god, maybe David was right about quiet girls being wild. I certainly wasn't breaking his stereotype I had judged barely half an hour ago.
I came back into the moment when my hand found Matt's naked chest, moving down until I could feel the hard ridges of his abs. He smirked against my lips when I lingered, knowing I liked what I felt. He continued kissing me deeply, his tongue taking over my mouth and making me melt into the pillows. I let out an involuntary moan when his hand groped my exposed breast, heat building in the pit of my stomach. I had never been this far before. Even with Nate, I had still been in my underwear the night of Rachel's party. Matt was the first to see me this nude. The first to touch me with no barriers. The first.
Those words stood out in my hazy mind. Was this really how I wanted to lose my virginity? An impulsive decision made by hormones? I hadn't even been dating Matt long enough to consider sex yet. With his strong body pressed on top of mine, I knew it didn't feel right. Not now. It was all in the heat of the moment, something I hadn't thought through. It wasn't too late to stop.
As I was about to speak up, his hand moved into my hair and lightly pulled at it. His swollen lips left mine and he kissed his way down my neck, stopping at my throat, nipping and sucking my flesh. My body writhed from the sensation, my eyes threatening to roll back if he continued.
Shit, you can do this. Be strong.
"Matt." I gasped, reluctantly pulling away from him.
He pushed up to rest on his hands, hovering above me and slightly panting. "Yeah?"
"I, um..." My breath caught in my throat when I made contact with his eyes.
Still so blue in the darkness, glazed over and full of hunger. With his usually styled blonde hair hanging over them, his fiery demeanor and muscular shoulders on display. Turning this down would be harder than I thought. This boy really was carved in the heavens.
But I had to tell him. The conversation I had been dreading needed to happen now.
"Can we slow down for a minute?" I asked. His brows furrowed at my uncertain tone.
"Sure." He moved from above me and leaned on his elbow, watching me stare at the ceiling while I wrestled in my mind.
I knew he had been with a lot of girls; it was no secret he was experienced. I had no idea what his reaction would be to his new girlfriend being a virgin. It needed to be said right, I didn't want him to think I was flat-out rejecting him.
"Um, okay so... I don't really know how to say this." I breathed out, still looking up and not at him. "You've dated other girls before me, and I'm not really–"
"You're a virgin."
"What? Is it that obvious?!" I turned to him with wide eyes, panicked and horrorstruck. He knew it before I explained. Was I making a fool of myself already? Could I even kiss properly?
My rush of overthinking subsided when he chuckled, lightly tracing his finger down the length of my arm to calm me. "No it's not obvious, I just kind of figured. You said the last guy you were involved with was Sean for two weeks in sophomore year. I wasn't entirely sure, but I had a feeling."
I slumped back into the pillow and ran my hands through my hair. "I'm sorry, I should have clarified it sooner. I just...I don't think I'm ready yet."
"It's okay, Lia. I don't want to do anything that'll make you feel uncomfortable." He reached for my hand and held my fingers to his lips, kissing them softly. "Honestly, you're worth the wait."
I breathed out a sigh of relief and cupped his warm cheek, his hand covering mine. But then a question slinked into my mind. "Wait, so...if you already suspected I was a virgin, would you still have wanted to have sex if I didn't stop us?"
"I mean, only if you wanted to." He gingerly admitted. "I knew we'd do it at some point, but I didn't know how ready you were. Like, you're not waiting until marriage or anything, right?"
"No, nothing like that." I hesitated, realizing how cliché this sounded, but it was the truth. "Just waiting for the right person, I guess."
He leaned over me a little. "And...hopefully you've found him?"
"Yeah." I laughed and rested my hand on the back of his neck. "Pretty sure I found him."
Matt smiled and dropped his head, gently pressing his lips to mine. It was soft this time. Dreamlike. The adrenaline that brought us here had disappeared, but in a way, this was better.
"Tell me you don't need to go home yet." Matt hummed against my lips, his thumb stroking my cheek with a feather-light touch.
"I don't. My mom thinks I'm sleeping at Rachel's tonight."
His lips curved and he leaned down again, holding my face and kissing me like I was the most delicate thing in the world. He had me in a trance, but I told myself to only let this continue for a few more minutes. Any longer and I might forget everything I had just said about not being ready.
"You know..." He pulled away, his palm now rubbing my hip. "Keeping your virginity doesn't mean we can't do other things, right?"
Under the covers, he took my hand in his, guiding it down until it rested on the front of his boxer briefs. I slightly recoiled from the prominent feel of his excitement, immediately experiencing a rush of blood to my ears.
"Um, I've...I've never done..." I trailed off, my throat feeling as if it was closing up from embarrassment. I swallowed what seemed like shards of glass and forced the words out. "I've never done anything like that either."
"You haven't?" He let go of my hand and stared at me. I could make out his questioning expression in the ounce of moonlight streaming through the uncovered window. "So, what have you done?"
I lowered my gaze and broke contact. My silence spoke volumes.
"Oh, okay." He slowly said, realizing how inexperienced I really was. "So you're like, practically...untouched."
I could have sworn his eyes lightened through his long lashes when he said that. Did he actually like that I was such an amateur? I had assumed guys wanted girls who knew what they were doing in bed.
"Yeah I can see why you wouldn't want to just jump straight into sex." Matt continued, his tone understanding. "We can take it slow with the other things if–"
"But I don't want to." I cut him off, turning to rest on my elbow. "I mean, I don't want to take it slow with that."
I wasn't ready for sex, but I was ready for the other things. I had to take it step by step and refrain from getting into that elevator to the top. In other words; I wanted the starters before the main course.
"Really?" Matt asked, his face lifting in surprise.
I let out a shaky breath before placing my hand on his strained briefs again. A low noise vibrated in his throat when my fingers started to slowly massage him through the thin fabric. "Really."
* * *
NATE
I've never been one for talking. Well, for talking about serious stuff. I know I shouldn't, but I block anything painful out and let it sit in my depths until it bubbles to the surface, erupting in chaos and conflict. It had always been like that for me. No, that was a lie. It had been like that since my dad died.
Ever since then, I found that playing the drums was the second best way to curb that chaos. The first being surfing. Since I couldn't head to the beach at 2am, the drums had become a night hobby in the basement. Nowadays; a fast-paced beat, sweating, hitting and making loud noise was all I needed to get the hell out of my head. And man, did I need to get out of my head lately.
My muscles tensed and pulsed to the rhythm as I let my thoughts run wild. I thought about my shitty day, thought about the bonfire, thought about Lia. She was the reason I needed to get out of my head. She had rooted herself into my brain, settled in and consumed my mind. I couldn't dig her out. I assured Rob that nothing would ever happen between us again, so all I wanted to do was distract myself from her that night at the bonfire.
The bonfire. I figured getting with someone else would solve the problem, and I liked Cora. We were in a few classes together. She always stared at me for a little too long, biting her pencil or playing with her hair, finding reasons to touch me. Her crush was pretty clear, and she never hid it either. Cora was bubbly and sexy and exactly the type of girl who'd want a fun night with no strings attached. So I decided to do just that.
I thought hanging out with her that night would be easy, but it didn't really work. Especially when I saw how well Lia fit in with everyone. It was hard to distract myself when I couldn't help sticking around her.
I watched as Matt left early, how Lia's heart seemed to break through her ocean eyes. God, her face...it killed me. I wanted to follow her when she walked off alone, but Cora was hanging on me. Keeping me close after I had given her the attention she craved, persistent on giving me a 'birthday present'. I knew what that meant, I'd have to be crazy to turn it down. So I told myself that Lia would be okay, and I let Cora take my hand and pull me in the opposite direction. Sweeping Lia out of my mind, I followed Cora's swaying hips all the way to my car.
When we were in the backseat, she immediately pounced on me, shoving her tongue down my throat and moaning into my mouth. It was a little intense, but I went with it. She straddled my lap and pulled her top off, revealing a bright pink bra that her pale breasts spilled out of. She grabbed my hands and let me feel them, grinding her hips into mine and kissing me deeply while her fingers explored under my shirt. Cora finally left my lap and slid to the seat.
She seductively whispered in my ear and unzipped my jeans, dipping down with a giggle and enthusiastically pulling me out. She paused in place and emitted a soft gasp before wrapping her lips around my length. I closed my eyes when she started, letting my head fall back and getting into it. But something was drawing me out of the moment. A smell. Lia's perfume.
I remembered that Blake had borrowed my car to give her a ride here, and her fragrance surrounded me. And with that one thought, I was back on her. She should have been the last thing on my mind in that moment, but I couldn't stop seeing her sad face, seeing her dejected body walking down the beach by herself. What the fuck was I doing?!
"Wait, Cora stop!" My head snapped up, as did hers.
"What's wrong?" She wiped her mouth and looked at me, confused. "Um, why aren't you...why aren't you getting hard?"
"Fuck, I know, sorry. It's not 'cause of you. I uh–"
"Do you need some time? I can go for way longer." She reached for me again, but I pushed her hands back.
"No, it's not that. I'm just..." I sighed and adjusted myself, zipping my jeans up.
Cora sat up with a pout. "I know what it is; I'm not hot enough for you. I mean, look at Alana. She's like, model hot, and she said you were amazing with her."
"What? She told you??"
"Well yeah, she told everyone."
Jesus. Should have known not to rebound with someone in our school, even if it was during summer.
"Look, Cora, there's nothing wrong with you, okay? It has nothing to do with looks. This just isn't working." I got out of the car and she reluctantly followed suit, clutching her shirt in her hand.
"Seriously? You're turning this down?" She slammed the door shut.
"I'm sorry...I need to be somewhere."
It was like my body failed me on purpose so I would give in to finding Lia. I hated the thought of her being in any sort of pain while I was with some other girl. When I saw her by the water's edge, she looked small and fragile. I knew she was trying to hide her feelings when I approached her. And when she lashed out it was like this wall came up around her.
She said she didn't trust herself to be alone with me, like she was afraid she'd cheat on Matt and lose control. But what she didn't know was...I felt exactly the same about being alone with her. I hated cheaters, but if she had kissed me right then and forgotten about Matt, I don't think I would've had the will to stop her.
But I didn't care. I would endure my pain of not being able to have her, as long as I could distract her from her own sadness. So I convinced her to go swimming. I watched her anxiety dissolve when she held onto me in the water, I watched her smile in the moonlight, and I watched her forget about Matt leaving.
And just when I thought I had got her mind off her problems for the night, she opened up to me at her house. Standing on the roof, she told me her full name, a beautiful name: Natalia. But she also told me why she didn't use it anymore. Her face fell and broke me again. Every time I saw her get sad; it was like I had this instinct to make her feel better. There was one more trick up my sleeve I could use. My hair. She didn't know how rare it really was for me to let it loose and show anyone, because I hated it, but it didn't matter. I made her laugh. That was all I wanted.
But after that night, I knew I was screwed. I had turned down a sure thing with Cora just because I wanted to see Lia smile. I didn't want to face it. I wanted her to just be a girl I had fun at a party with, a one-time thing that didn't mean anything, someone I could move on from and only be friends with. But that night at the bonfire was confirmation – she had more of an impact on me than I thought.
Aside from the fact that she had a boyfriend, and we couldn't be more than friends...it wouldn't be fair to pursue her even if that wasn't the reality. Because I was unequivocally the last person who deserved to be with someone like her.
Lia had no idea who I really was.
❀
❀
❀
A/N: please remember to vote and comment, would really appreciate it :)