Strings (1 of 2)

Chapter 56 - Tell Me a Secret

I lay my head back down again and chuckle. 

I know without a doubt I would have chosen him. 

Always.

How could I not?

---

[Back to Present]

The memory of our conversation plays on a loop in my head as I stare at the perfect broken man in front of me.

"We can be together now." He said...

Together.

Somehow that word doesn't spark the same amount of joy and excitement that it should. 

It's tainted now. Filled with the missed chances and wasted opportunities that we have lost for 15 years. It doesn't feel the same as it would have before this summer... before him.

It's ruined by my feelings for someone else.

As much as Nathan drives me absolutely mental, I can't push away his face in my head as I stare at Dean now. I don't know if I can lock away my feelings for him to truly be happy with the man in front of me - the man I should be with.

"Dean... I..." I start but my voice cracks as I watch the understanding and pain fill his eyes.

He knows what my lack of an instant reply means. It's not my cold feet this time. It's not my aversion to commitment. He knows that. It's clear on his face.

"You love him now?" He asks me quietly, almost so quietly that I question if it was really him and not my subconscious and guilt whispering in my head.

Do I love Nathan? 

I have no idea.

I definitely like him. I know I love how he makes me feel - confident, sexy, on top of the world... and most of all, understood. He knows me, even the demons I tried to hide from him for months. He accepted me for who I am... I can't repay that by leaving him.

Even after the girl on the phone today, I still want to be with him. I saw the real him at the Hollywood sign last week when his barriers were down and he was finally able to open up. He likes me. He wouldn't have said all that if he didn't... other girl, or no other girl. So I have to accept that for what he said it was in order to keep him.

I know we won't end well. I feel the match burning, the flame getting closer to the fuel with each day that passes. The catastrophe is imminent... the date set for the day I move and leave him. But I can't help but want to ride that high out until the very end. Get every last drop of our time together.

Even if it means sacrificing a happy life with Dean.

I frown at him, trying to piece together any answer that wouldn't hurt him. But there isn't one.

"I don't know what it is... I shouldn't, I know... but I can't stop it." I finally reply honestly. He deserves the truth, especially after everything he has been through tonight.

"Why not?" He asks, inching closer as he puts his hands on mine in my lap. I can see the desperation written on his face... the longing for me to change my mind. "We can be happy together, Em, remember how we were before?"

The three year old sounds of our giggles and laughter fill my head, making my chest tighten as I think of what could have been.

"I wish more than you know that I could be that person again... with you. Trust me. But I can't do that to you when I know I feel something for him. It isn't fair to you." I try and fail to explain the depth of my guilt. This is the second time this summer I have had to heartbreakingly refuse him and his love... I don't think either of us can handle a third. 

This is our last shot. I think we both feel it.

He scoffs and looks away, removing his hands from mine and running them through his hair.

"Fair?" he chuckles humourlessly. "Nothing is fair today." He stares blankly at the tv across the room.

"I know. I'm s-"

"No." He cuts me off. "Don't apologize for being happy, even if it's with someone else." He says sternly, looking me square in the eyes.

"You will be happy again, too. Just give it time." I can't keep the pity from my voice.

"Maybe." He says and smiles a little, more for my benefit than his own. Even on the worst day of his life, he still tries to comfort someone else...

He lays his head back against the couch and closes his eyes, sighing deeply. "It's my own fault anyways. I gave you too much time to find someone else."

That might be a little true - if we had spoken two months ago like this, even one month ago, things might have been differently - but I don't want him to know that and feel worse...

"It's no one's fault." I counter and he nods, his eyes still closed with his head back.

We sit in silence for awhile. I watch him the whole time, contemplating my choices over the past hour. I have a sinking feeling I just lost my one shot at a lifetime of happiness over another month and a half of bliss from a temporary fling. God, I'm fucking stupid.

Dean sits so still, I almost think he's sleeping, until the dryer chimes distantly and we both move to stand up.

"I'll get it." I insist and quickly walk to the machine.

I hate seeing him like this. The brokenness and anguish in his eyes outweighing any of his normal brightness. I miss the old Dean. My friend Dean. When we could laugh and joke and be together happily, before anything romantic got in the way and made everything have a second meaning.

As I walk back, I get an idea that might help both of us right now.

I toss his shirt to him and stand before him with a mischievous grin. I hope he's up for it... even after everything tonight.

"We need to get trashed at the beach. For old times sake." I say as confidently as I can manage and I see his eyes flicker with confusion, then shock, then amusement, all in a second.

"It's like 10pm and it just stopped raining everywhere. It will be freezing. Are you crazy?" His eyebrows furrow as he chuckles at me.

"The same amount of crazy as always. Come on, I'll steal some booze from downstairs. You order the cab." I hold out my hands and he grins, taking them, and I pull him up.

"Okay, let's do it." He agrees and I grin before disappearing to the wine cellar to pick out a few bottles.

Author's Note:

To any Dean/Demily shippers... I'm sorry... I had to do this...

My poor baby Dean is heartbroken again... I almost cried writing this chapter.

Anyways, I hope you liked this chapter, despite the sadness, and thank you for reading!

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