needles ? frerard

day 26
session 11

"Hey, Frank." Dr. Weekes smiles warmly.

"Hello." I reply, sitting down across from him.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay so far."

"Good, good." The taller one nods.
"What would be helpful for us to talk about today?"

I bite my lip. There's something I've been thinking about, but I've been way to nervous to bring it up the last two weeks. I'm gonna be home soon, and the subject has been looming over me for a while. Especially after the thoughts about making him snap, the terrifying thoughts about making him snap. But that's not the reason as a whole, it's just one tiny piece in the scary topic that Gerard and I have never discussed.

"Sex."

"What about sex?" He asks.

"I w-want to be comfortable with it."

"Why's that?"

"Isn't it obvious?"

He smiles. "I suppose. But I'd like to hear you explain it, just so I could get a better sense, so I can help you."

"Right. Uh, well, I d-don't want my ex to s-s-still be controlling me. He's gone, but my entire life is still centered on wh-what he left behind. I'm trying to get rid of h-him completely, and this is part of it. I'm not g-getting laid because of him? That's fucking bullshit."

Dr. Weekes laughs softly.

"So, is it more of an urge to have sex or is it more of a need to rid yourself of your abuser?"

"Both, I guess. B-B-But if I wasn't with Gee, I wouldn't be going out to some bar and bringing a guy b-back home with me. I don't want to just have sex, I want to ha-have sex with him."

"Is that because of the guilt?"

"Uh, y-yes and no. I want it for both of us. I want to try and meet his physical and emotional needs, which might be s-s-s-some of the guilt, but I don't know. And I want to not be under Bob's control any more. And I want a normal fucking sex life for once."

The physcologist nods slowly. "Does the idea scare you?"

I think for a moment.

"Have you ever th-thought about going skydiving?"

"Um... sure?"

"But it scares you, right?"

"A little."

"Right. So there y-you go. The general idea of skydiving sounds pretty rad, b-b-b-but if you really think about every detail; j-jumping from a plane and falling through the sky, it's scary. The general i-idea of having sex sounds great, but then I-I-I think about the reality of it and it gets scary."

"What do you mean, the reality of it?"

"The details. The act-actuality. Thinking about sex as a whole is fine but it's when I g-go through the process in my head that it s-sounds bad. I know I'd get flashbacks. I'd f-freak out. I'd start to panic or something. Like, I can h-handle it when Gerard touches me, but that's never sexual."

"Have you tried?"

I sigh. "Have you t-tried skydiving?"

"So that's a no?"

"I didn't say that. We've done... stuff. Once. B-But it wasn't some big show of passion that lasted all night. He w-w-wa-was still dressed, I was half naked or something like that. A-And it was, uh... centralized. Him t-touching me. Not much roaming. And I was so fucking numb to it back then, I didn't care."