Can't Let You Go

Chapter 12

Quill and I were too far apart in age to really be friends. The five years between us left a gap in abilities and interests that we never quite closed. He would spend a few minutes here and there being my playmate when I was little, but by the time he became a teenager he was rarely around, leaving home to go to college when I was thirteen. We only spoke on the phone when one of us called the other on their birthday. I only saw him when he came home to celebrate holidays.

I was actually glad for a while after he moved away to be with his girlfriend, because he called me more often. He only reached out to me when he was drunk and lonely, but it was more than he'd done before. I even overlooked the fact that he never answered my calls at other times. I was that happy that he wanted me to be his confidant under any circumstances so I wasn't going to be picky.

In all outward appearances, Quill was my parents' most beloved - their golden boy who could do no wrong. I never heard them say a negative word to him or about him, while he frequently heard mother harping on my looks and father griping about my grades. If the frequency of the phrase "when you take over Savis," could be used as a gauge of how much pressure they put on him to excel, then it was a high level, but other than that, I only heard praise fall from their lips.

However, Quillon's drunken conversations with me painted a different story. "Honey," he slurred over the phone one evening, "let me tell you, don't get into the habit of always letting them have their way."

If I can say there was anything good about that period of time, it would be that there were a couple of occasions when he'd call me after fighting with one or the other of our parents. It's a selfish thought, but that's the only time I ever felt like we were being raised by the same people.

"I'm going to go to Savis. I never had any other plan, but can't they fuckin' let me do it on my own? Does every single god-damn aspect of my life have to revolve around it? God, they won't let me breathe. Do they let you breathe?"

"They don't really look at us in the same way, Quill."

"Fuck. You're lucky."

I didn't agree, but it wasn't the time to point out the ways I'd been wronged by our parents, too.

"You know why I left, don't you? Because they fuckin' sent her down here. Mother sent her down here even though she knew she was the best thing in my life. She said they'd cut me off if I don't come back to Alaris."

"Lots of couples go to different colleges."

"Oh, so you're on their side?"

"No, of course not. I just don't want you to worry. If you love each other, you can make it through."

"Of course we love each other." Quill told me she was the positive counterpoint to our parents' negativity. He told me about her beauty, her laughter, and her ability to snap him out of a bad mood. "It's just-- I wish she was a little more, I don't know. Tame?" He confided that he was frustrated by her enjoyment of being with new people and how easily she left him behind if he didn't want to go along with her friends to dance clubs and themed parties.

Back then, I took his account of their time together to mean that he was left home alone, except that was not actually the case. We were never able to get a full picture of his life once he went to college, but we found out more than we were expecting. The biggest shock was learning from others that he'd been taking drugs. Apparently, it started with "study aids" to help him stay awake and focused. He may have felt that the illegal prescription drugs helped him achieve academic expectations, but he still felt the weight of the stress. At some point it seems his girlfriend introduced him to other drugs. He began giving himself one Friday night a month to escape from stress by taking various club drugs. In a city like Alaris, there's always something available if you know the right people to ask.

After moving, he didn't restrict himself to once a month. When his girlfriend was in class, Quill hung out at the frat house that was a branch of his fraternity back in Alaris. No one cared that he wasn't actually enrolled in the school. They were more than happy to sit around with him and share in the beer or pot Quill brought. Through his frat brothers or people he met at their parties, he had access to plenty of other drugs as well. Ultimately, Quill ended up accidentally taking too many different things all in one night. He died in his apartment, alone. If his girlfriend had been home, she might have prevented his death. That was in the spring of my Junior year.

The tragedy pushed my parents over the edge and they began fighting even more than they had in the past. That is, when they were both home at the same time. Dad seemed to have more business trips to take and Mother began a press tour to talk about drug abuse and addiction. Emily's presence kept me from feeling so lonely. She also made the times we were together as a family a bit more bearable because my parents would be on good behavior when we were all in the same room. On the better days, she was able to get neutral-topic conversations going.

It turned out I wasn't the only one who needed someone outside the family to stem the feelings of loneliness. Sometime after Quill's death seems to be when Dad started his affair with Bethany. They certainly had plenty of opportunities since they worked together and often went on the same business trips. Maybe their affair started before then, but by that fall, even I was aware of something brewing between the two of them. At least I had a clue before their relationship was exposed. I don't know if my mother was aware of the affair before that terrible night when the general public found out about it.

As for me, I knew I needed to ground myself so I could stay sane. None of the dramas unfolding in the world around me actually involved me. They certainly affected me, but I knew I had no power to affect them. All I could do was try to manage my own life. I was still in high school, so the only things I had were my studies and my friends.

I began to put real effort into my non-art school work. My parents noticed my change in attitude and hired a tutor to help me with general studies. My grades improved and I discovered that I could feel proud of myself academically. Dad even got off my back a little bit, though he never praised me. I set my sights on Alaris University. It isn't just the premier college in the city, it's one of the top schools in the world. Even though I was getting excellent grades starting that year, if I weren't a triple legacy student, I wouldn't have qualified to apply. Since my brother, father, and grandfather all went there, I was given special consideration.

This wasn't an issue for Emily, though she never brought it up in front of my parents. Graduating third in her class, despite the family instability she'd faced for her first three years of high school. When she lived with us during senior year, it started to feel like she was the sister I'd never had. That connection and my other two close friendships were what held me together that year. Zayan was the one who got me out of the house and helped me have fun. Ashton was the bedrock who held me strong behind the scenes. A quiet source of solidity when so much around me was changing. At least I thought he had been.