Can't Let You Go

***TALLY***

New Year's in Korea is really interesting because on January first, everyone in Korea is considered to be one year older. However, they also celebrate their birthday based on the Gregorian calendar. In addition, they're considered to be one year old when they're born, so as an American, I can get a little confused. I'm never sure if they've told me their Korean age or their Western age, so I just follow their lead on seniority.

Anyway, in both Seoul and Alaris, the date is basically just an excuse to party. Culturally, their big celebration is the lunar new year, Seollal. It's a three day event. People travel to a designated relative's home and pay respects to their ancestors and elders. Some service businesses might stay open, but mostly everything is shut down.

Even though there's not really any connection with my ancestors, I decide to make my own Seollal tradition in honor of Quill. Liam helps me set up something resembling a chayre altar. Standing in front of a table which holds the Korean food and drinks I think he would have liked, I report only the good things that have happened the past year.

"If you want to talk about him, I'm here to listen," Liam offers as we finish off the liquor from Quill's altar.

"No, I'm good." It's only half a lie. "Let's watch a movie." Choosing a sad one gives me an excuse to cry other than missing my brother. We fall asleep on the couch, cuddled together. Like the last time we slept on the couch together, we don't talk about it afterwards.

The second day is spent in the kitchen with videos and recipes learning to make traditional dumplings, which we eat for dinner with lots more alcohol. "It's my turn to pick a movie," he declares, "and it won't be something sappy."

There's no cuddling, we're just next to each other as we typically sit. When the credits start to roll, he leans and speaks so close that I can feel his wine tinged breath on the side of my head. "At Seollal, the elders tell the younger people what they wish for them in the new year."

"Oh?" That's something I'd already learned, but my body and mind are practically frozen in place. The sudden nearness feels so good that it's all I can think about.

"They wish them a healthy, prosperous year ahead. Some will follow up with a wish that the younger generation will continue to remember to respect their elders."

"I guess Jewish grandmothers don't have the corner on the guilt-your-grandkids market, but mine passed away while I was still pretty young." What am I saying? This is not a situation in which one should bring up a dead grandmother.

"Do you want to hear what this elder wishes for you?"

"You're hardly an 'elder' but go ahead." Honestly, I will listen to anything he wants to talk about as long as he stays close to me.

"I wish for you to find the happiness that was taken from you little by little. I wish for you to heal from the wounds that so many others have left behind. And... I have a selfish wish too."

I turn my face towards his. "What is it?"

He closes his eyes. "I'm afraid you'll think I'm asking for too much."

The corners of his eyes crinkle as he's thinking. Before he can doubt himself and move away from me, I kiss him. Last time we were in this place, kissing on the couch, it felt different. It was tender and comfortable. These kisses are charged with a new energy. Desire. His mouth on mine and his hands on my body feel hungry. I put my own legs up over his as we wrap our arms around each other.

His hands find the hem of my sweater, but he just holds it in his fists. Sliding up onto his lap, I move one of my hands down to his waist, tugging up on his shirt until his warm skin is exposed.