If Only

Charlotte Bartlett

I put in the key to my apartment, entering to find Megan on the couch, gorging on chips. She looked up to see my face red and puffy. "Charlie?"

She got up from the couch and took me into her arms as Dance Moms played in the background. I sank into Megan's arms, sobbing with no true explanation, but she had some ideas.

"Oh, Charlotte," she rubbed my back, trying to comfort me, but if anything I felt more lost than ever

"I don't know; I don't know what to I- I can't think, I can't breath I"

"You can breathe; just breathe in through the nose, out through the mouth. Come on, deep breaths." I squeezed Megan's hand

"Hey, your wedding is on the 21st night of September," Megan's grin spread wide. "You can play that one song on your anniversary; if he doesn't find that funny, I sure will!" I leaned my head on Megan's shoulder and held her close as she spoke

"Think about it: the day after tomorrow, you get to see baby," she mused. "so what, you're marrying this man you don't love, and you'll have your baby to love," but then my stomach felt sour as a realization came to mind that had been sitting there waiting

"That's the problem." I looked at Megan as I felt the tears. "I think I do," but once I spoke, a knock came at the door as I stared at her stunned face

I got up off the couch and went to the door, opening it a crack to see Jillian shit. "Hey, Charlotte," she said in an upbeat tone, which made me feel like I could pass out, but I opened it to reveal myself

I watched as her face changed and her excitement turned to sorrow. "Charlotte?" Her voice became a whisper, and I stepped aside to welcome her in

Jillian stepped into the apartment and looked at me with concern. "What's going on?" her caring voice asked. Megan stood from the couch, and Jillian looked over to her.

"Oh, hi," Megan said. I'm one of her roommates and best friends, Megan Wright." She walked over, and Jillian nodded.

"Jillian Crawford, Nate's younger sister," which caused Megan to grimace immediately.

"Megan," I warned.

"Don't worry, I don't bite, and I'm not here to be a helicopter mom. Just came to spend some time with you, but now I'm here for some support." Jillian offered a kind smile, and we moved to the couch

"Do you have cold feet? Because if you didn't, I'd be concerned," she admitted. "I mean, I couldn't even imagine being in your shoes; you are marrying a stranger who happens to be my brother." I nodded honestly

"Look, I know he's rough on the outside and cold at times, but he has a good heart, I promise you, Charlotte," she smiled. "he never wants to hurt you," she said. "I've never heard him talk about a girl the way he has you; my brother rarely shows emotion. But I think you scare the man," Jillian chuckled

"He's just so complicated," I said, frustrated. "I'm just so afraid that I'll never be loved; my ex was pretty terrible." Jillian looked at me with sorrow; I hated pity

"Nate makes me feel safe and warm, but at the same time, he hates me." Jillian shook her head immediately

"My brother does not hate you amore," she smiled. "he loves you, but he's never loved anyone before... he doesn't know what love really is."

"I think I love him." I let the words slip, and before there was any time to react, I did not really know what I was saying. My mind was in a haze; I didn't know what love is