Random Blabbings

there was a time when i received a comment about how i suck at writing transitions. those were not the exact words, but that's basically what the comment meant.

and if you've read keep it simple stupid, you'll most like agree with that. even i do.

one day, i was talking to someone about my stories. brainstorming of some sort. i brought three stories with me and talked about the premise of each of them, which story i'm more excited to explore, and why.

when that talk ended, i learned two things: a) my writing reflects myself a lot; and, b) i truly and seriously suck at transitions.

to demonstrate this epiphany, right after elementary, i have to choose what high school i will have to go. there's a couple of high schools here in our place and i can go wherever i want to. however, under the guise of wanting to get away from competition, i went to a school different from all my elem "competitors." i went to a private school because i thought it's good and because i was a scholar. also, let's be honest, private schools has this air around them that makes you feel like they're special.

spoiler alert: they're not.

to tell you honestly, it shouldn't be a big deal. it was high school. the place and time kids go through puberty. 

but this is prolly the first indication of how much i suck at transitions. the transition from a kid to a teen. and i failed miserably.

i finished high school with very few "friends" that you can count them in your one hand. and now, i don't talk to any of them. in comparison, i know really few people in elementary too but i still talk to two of them. one of them being the sister i never knew i needed until i met her.

high school is not a pretty experience for me. curse those movies and animes for making me think high school is pretty. it is not.

so it has been a constant thing to think what would have happened if i go to the huge public school? would have i find better people to be friends with? would have i find better opportunities? would have i enjoy the time?

so passed the sickening high school arc, i have to face college now.

commercial: i was just blabbing here and my heart suddenly became heavy. excuse me for trying to talk about the traumas, self, it's a way to heal and breathe so we're gonna go through this uncomfortable feeling. endure it. to you, however, who might feel uncomfortable for this, please feel free to step away if that'll ease the negativities.

so college. a real upgrade of the headache i had before high school because i had to stop for two dark years due to health issues. (and i recently learned my parents thought those dark two years is resting for me.) along with having to stop, i lost the chance to go to this school i was dying to go to. along with it was a lot of stuff because i guess i didn't learn and still believed that maybe, just maybe, college would be a different story. that maybe, just maybe, college would mean experiences, people and a lot of laughs in between terror profs. all those things went poof because i had to stop.

to say i was depress might be an understatement. i cried most nights because i thought i would never be able to walk. and then there are those people my age, going to universities and colleges. wailing over school deadlines and experiencing life. and then i was at home, taking medicines according to time and wallowing in such dark thoughts.

in the end, i was forced to go back to my high school because they offer decent college courses.

and now, i am facing prolly the scariest transition in my life--adulting. the transition between only having to think about school works to having to think about work and bills. to having to shoulder things without rest.

to not knowing what is rest.

i thought being an adult means freedom, but now that i just got passed college, i think it's a scary kind of freedom and having it isn't really better than college.

there's no curriculum to follow through. no teachers to guide you through the curriculum. no common goals to do like needing to graduate for a given number of years. i was presented with a lot of choices but not knowing anything about the choices.

none of these things are taught in school. no one taught kids about finances, laws and their rights as if the society is deliberately trying to hide these information so they could fool as many as possible.

so here i am, clueless.

clueless with what i can offer to work, clueless with my rights, finances and laws. clueless about what direction i should go, or want to go. i don't even know what i really want right now.

and that's how much i suck at transitions.

but if there's any comfort in all of that, it's knowing after this severely sickening confusion of transition, i will do something i can devote myself into. 

i just really hope i would live. and not just exist. i just really hope i wouldn't lose my heart in the processing of trying to survive and provide. i just really hope i would be able to look back and smile fondly at this foolishness.