If Only

Fourty Nine

I just wanted to see her beautiful dark brown dough eyes, the ones that trap you in without even trying. Her irresistible smile and the way her nose scrunches as she laughs. The way her cheeks flush when I call her my wife. Because that who she is, she's my wife. The person I'm meant to spend forever with

"She's going to be okay, that's all we can think Nate. You are not allowed to think otherwise until someone says so, now let's go get some food"

We stopped at some random secluded cafe in the city "now I'm going to get a croissant, and the young gentleman over there kindly agreed to close the cafe just for us" I just nodded as we went to the register

"Hello Mr.Crawford, what would you like?" The woman's pep was annoying, I wanted to snap her neck just looking at her wanting eyes

"For my wife not to die" Celine's eyes widened and turned me away from the woman

"He'll take a coffee and a croissant as will I but cinnamon tea instead please" she flashed an undeserved kind smile to her "thank you dear" we sat at a small table with unsteady chairs

"She simply asked a question? I decided to answer, is that a problem?" She ran her fingers through her hair in frusteration

"Look we all are upset, and that woman definitely has a lot of issues making notable eyes at you. But that doesn't allow you to act rudely towards her" I scoffed leaning back into my chair

"My wife's basically on life support, we are getting to that point Celine. I may lose her and my child" she nodded her head, I didn't care if I was yelling

"She wouldn't want you to be acting how you are right now. She'd want you to stay strong-"

"You don't know what she'd want okay! You don't know what anyone wants, you neglect your children besides Jillian. That's why Leo had such a bad drug problem because of neglection!" I knew the words I yelled hurt her

She was already morning the loss of Niccolo, we all were. But I was on edge, I wanted to kill somebody. Take out my anger and rage in the darkest way. I had no control over what happens to Charlotte, for the first time everything was out of my hands

"Your very upset, which is reasonable. But do not take it out on me, I am simply doing my best. That's all I can ever do, is my best. I'm aware I was a shit mother at times to my children. But I was there when they needed me. I paid your bail every time, I sent Leo to rehab, I'm the whole reason Niccolo got full custody and I helped you get Jillian out of that relationship" she snapped

"I do my best as a mother okay? I'm there when it matters and I do my job for my children. So instead of ignoring you, I'm here with you because you can't be alone right now. Because you will go off and kill someone" she sighed

"I'm doing my best and now I have a grandchild who is orphaned. He lost his father Nathaniel and now I am legally bound to watch him and I don't know if I can" her eyes watered

"Che cazzo vuoi dire che non puoi?" I grew angrier at her words, again selfish

{what the fuck do you mean you can't?}

"I can't be his parent, I'll screw it up. So I've been talking to Will and Lauren who have been with him" she clasped her hands infront of her on the table staring at me