The Duchess and I

I am crushed. I cannot put it in any other way. Until this very moment I thought I could make her see reason. After making love to her yesterday I really thought I had fixed things between us. I really thought she would leave Elias to be with me again. But her saying those three condemning words changed everything. Yes, I do.

My head is spinning out of control and I am actually very dizzy, as if I am about to faint any minute now. Unknowing eyes would blame my tears to happiness for the union of my brother with the Princess, but these are not tears of joy. These are tears of a woman, who has just lost everything. I feel ill, nauseated and in desperate need of fresh air. Strangely, I feel like running as well. Running away from this godforsaken church, running away from this town, running away from this life.

I don't want to be here anymore. There's nothing left for me here. I want to be happy again and I cannot do that here in this place, where everything reminds me of what I have lost. I hope that a change in scenery will make me forget all of this. Surely there must be a place on this large earth, where I can be at peace again though at this moment the world definitely doesn't feel big enough to outrun my pain.

People follow the newlyweds out of the church to congratulate them and scatter the traditional rice grains to seal the marriage. I follow the crowd as if I am in a trance. It is that Liam is guiding me and his strong arm around my waist is the only thing, which makes sure I don't fall down in a miserable heap to cry my eyes out. His gaze is worried, but his hands are steady.

With trembling limbs I manage to go outside, but when I see the bridal carriage with the tin cans and the white ribbons decorating it. I know what it entails. First we have a wedding party, but after that Christina and Elias will consummate their marriage. My woman will sleep with another tonight and that's the final straw that breaks the camel's back. I've finally reached my limit. Christina is taken. She is no longer mine woman. She is my brother's wife. And soon she will be a mother...

I dig my heels in the sand and pull Liam's arm frantically. 'No,' I say with buzzing ears and a spinning head. 'I cannot do this.'

He looks at me with understanding. 'I understand, but...'

'No, Liam, you don't understand!' I hiss at him. I am already out of breath. I feel like I have been running for hours without a stop. Shaking legs and knees. Breathless. Trembling hands. I have to get out or lose it forever. 'You don't know how it feels to love someone so dearly and then to see that person be taken away by your own flesh and blood. It is unbearable. And this is only the beginning. Being married is just the start. Afterwards, they will sleep together. They will have a house together. They will have children. It's too much, Liam. I am losing it.'

'This is not over yet, Elizabeth. Keep your spirits high.'

'No,' I tear away from him. 'You didn't hear what she said to me. She...' My breath catches and I feel panicked. 'She used me.'

Liam laughs joylessly. 'You don't actually believe that, do you?'

'She told me so herself. She never loved me. She used me to have some fun and that's all there was to it.'

'Elizabeth, that is the number one rule of breaking up with someone. Hurt that person so badly that there is no remnant of hope left.'

'She was pretty clear about it. Aunt Emma believed her as well.'

'Christina is a terrific liar. She has been her entire life, but I know her too well. Her love for you was never a lie. She only told you so, so you would let her go. It's a cleaner break up or so people say.'

Once this thought would have ignited another fire in me, but I was just a soulless shell at the moment. My succubus had pulled my soul out of me roughly and it would never return to me again. 'You are wrong. This is done. I am done. I cannot win her back anymore. She's married and this is the end of her and me. And that's too much to bear.'