November Dreams (M.C.)

One month ago...

I wasn't ready to perform. My mind was too clouded. Nothing had really changed in the last month. My routine was still the same, except now Luke always stayed around. He never went out when they went out; instead, he would hang back, just to make sure I was okay. I had to admit, as much as he pissed me off, it was nice that he cared this much.

Even though I didn't feel ready to be back onstage, part of me felt a little bit of excitement. But that was because part of me hoped that this would help me take my mind off of things, if only temporarily. However, I had a feeling that was going to be difficult.

See, for the past month, instead of just sitting in my room wasting away with a mind full or memories, I actually did something. I had been using those memories of her and channeling them into my music. I had been writing songs.

Songs for her, about her, songs dedicated to her and only her.

I wanted to sing them onstage when we played in L.A. as my farewell to her, if I was ready to say goodbye by then.

I don't think I would ever really be ready to say goodbye.

Present...

"Ready, Mike?" Luke called as he popped his head through my doorway.

"Just about," I called as I stuffed the last piece of clothing into my duffle bag and threw it over my shoulder. I combed my fingers through my freshly-dyed hair as I looked around my room. I wasn't going to miss the shadows on the wall, or the spots on the ceiling. Just before I turned to leave, though, something caught my eye. On the dresser, still staring at me, laughing at me, there it stood. After all this time, how had I not noticed it?

The orange pill bottle.

It was mocking me; telling me that I would never be able to say goodbye. This would always taunt my memory.

"Mike? You comin?"

"Uh...b-be right there!"

I rushed across the room and snatched the bottle off of its resting place, shoving it deep into my bag. As long as it was hidden, I would be okay.

Out of sight, out of mind, right?

I closed the door behind me and hopped into the van with my smiling band mates. They were so excited they could hardly contain it. I plastered a fake smile on my face as Ashton clapped me on the shoulder.

"We're all glad you're coming, Mike. We missed you. This tour is going to be awesome!" He beamed at me.

I cracked a forced smile.

"It's going to be great."

No, it was going to be a distraction. But only if I let myself be distracted. And something told me that the small carry-on I had stowed in my bag was going to make being distracted an even more difficult task.

//

The plane ascended quickly into the air, leaving the bustling Los Angeles streets below us. Part of me was glad to be leaving this city behind for awhile; it held so many memories, too many memories. But the other part of me wasn't ready to leave; she was down there. Somewhere. Or at least her soul was.

I laid my head back, trying not to think about it. This was supposed to take my mind off of it and I needed to let it. Instead, I let the sounds of the plane and the snores of my band mates calm me.

As I closed my eyes and tried to close my mind for the long flight to Japan, I thought I saw a small flicker of her behind my eyelids.

For a moment, I thought this was going to be easy.

Now, I knew it was going to be the hardest thing I would ever have to do.

Remembering her was easy. It was always easy.

Forgetting her would be hard.