bitter days of july | yang jungwon

—him

          My legs were wobbly as I made my way to my room, using the wall for support while I let out a few grunts. I took a hold of my doorknob, almost missing.

Before I could turn it, I heard the creaking of a door in the direction of my mother's room.

     "Jungwon, is that you? Why are you making so much noise at this time?" She asked. There was a clear groggy tone that projected from her voice as she rubbed her eye, adjusting to the dimness as she figured me out by my silhouette.

"My bad." I slurred, ignoring her and opening the door to my room. I shut it close, staring at my bed in relief as I walked towards it. My eyes widened when I remembered something. I lifted my eyes from my bed, to my closet. It was as if I was looking through that closet door, knowing what it had behind it on that top shelf.

I rushed towards it, sliding the door open hastily before reaching for the box in a hurry. I undid its folds, grabbing the small device that was in it before tossing the box aside. I pounced on my bed, laying down with my limbs spread and in my dirty clothes. I knew I was disgusting like this, but I wasn't concerned in the slightest. Not when my mind was so foggy and I could barely even move my limbs properly.

With my heavy eyelids forcing themselves to stay open, I turned on the pager. I slowly moved to the inbox. The annoying beeps that it made every time I pressed the button made me clench my jaw. I made it to our chats, and all I could feel was my heart sink.

The moment my eyes read each word ever so carefully, I couldn't help but feel the tears building up in my eyes. How could she? How could she stir up so many different emotions inside of me like this?

It made me feel so guilty to think the way I do. To try so hard to get rid of her in my head, resenting her for disappearing... I felt bitter when she seemed like she was doing well. No. I was upset at the idea that she was better without me.

All of it made me sick. The message I kept reading over and over made me feel even worse. I sniffled, wiping my eyes as I let out a cough before my vision somewhat cleared up and focused on the pixelated words once more.

— I miss you

...The first message said. I hadn't checked this pager since I hid it. A message was all I wanted at the time, and if I held on just a little bit longer, I wouldn't have had so much hatred in my heart.

She doesn't deserve someone like me.

My eyes travelled down to the next message that was sent just earlier tonight—The message that I couldn't allow her to send. It brought me all the way back. Just as I did a few years back, she sent:

— I'm sorry.

My bottom lip rolled into my mouth as I sniffled, shutting my eyes while a deep breath escaped my lungs. It reminded me so much of that day I typed the same exact thing right in front of her.

The person I was when I was with her had contrasted in great amounts compared to the person I was when I wasn't with her. It didn't really hit me until I deeply thought about it.

I wouldn't have been able to think about it if it didn't already happen. When I compared my personalities, decisions, and actions... the flaws from who I've become were way more visible than when Jiyoon was still here.

With her, it felt right. I always felt like no matter how often I worried about myself, or carefully thought about each and every move I was making, the moment I was near her... all of my focus transferred to her being.