Illicit | 18+

Song to this chapter is: In This Darkness by Clara La San. Listen to it while you read for the full experience. ❤️

Jade's POV

This. Was. Insane!

I momentarily wondered if I lost my damn mind; agreeing to something like this. At the same time, I couldn't deny that maybe, just maybe, this idea was actually genius. Without committing to anything except my own hand, I could enjoy myself and still feel safe.

My mind worked a mile a minute thinking of all the details while also buzzing with empty white noise. I took the plunge. My hand still in his, I pulled Alex up and slowly, walked backward, leading him to the bedroom and never breaking eye contact. Step by step, he obediently followed.

This was okay, I convinced myself. I was free, no longer under anyone's control, no longer scared, and he was the perfect man to do this with. I could live how I wanted.

I just hoped I would be able to hold back. It seemed essential that I do or else the feelings of overwhelm and regret would visit me later.

"This doesn't have to be weird or awkward. Just do what you've done before and I will simply be beside you." Alex's deep voice assured me, his eyes mere inches away from my doubtful ones.

And then, something came over me. Without knowing what I was doing, my fingertips made contact with his cheek, surprising him as much as me.

"Will you...help? If I ask for it?" Shivers, tremors, shakes were rattling my insides at my own question, but just thinking about it pumped more blood through my heart.

Alex's gaze darkened and he leaned in a mere millimetre, electrifying the atmosphere between us further.

"Of course." His whisper was low but confident, giving me stronger motivation to continue this venture.

Both elated and downright petrified of the immediate future, I silently pointed to the bed where Alex climbed on and took a half sitting position, waiting for me to decide how I wanted to do this.

I licked my parched lips in discomfort. Damn, I was nervous. The last time I masturbated was probably months ago. Only when I landed my eyes on Alex did my primal sexual desires begin to slowly inch their way into my mind. Before that, it was all shut down and I couldn't even bring myself to touch any part of me with any sort of desire.

"Okay. I'm ready." I said the words and all at once felt like I would throw up. But Alex didn't respond anything right away. He took a small pause and then, in the most gentle way, he asked.

"May I turn the light off?" Great idea, it would all be easier without it. If we were in the dark, it would feel like it wasn't actually happening. I stood at the foot of the bed and wondered what I wanted to do next while I gave him my affirmative answer.

The light extinguished, I waited for instructions. "Now, take off as much clothes as you want, if any." Damn, okay! He seemed to start so easily, not even a note of discomfort in any of his words. Has he done this before?! I obeyed his words with slightly trembling hands, and pulled down my sweatpants, appearing in front of him only in my tank top and lacy black panties.

It was time to jump off this cliff. My mind was buzzing with the force of an angry beehive, and uncertainly, I made it to his side of the bed and saw his surprised eyes illuminated with the faint light coming through the window.

"I want...," that was a most foreign phrase to me, I've never used those words frivolously. "I want to lean on you. Is that okay?" Oh sweet baby Jesus, I was living on the edge.