Savior | ?*REWRITE*? MELLO X OC

Willow

Sometimes when I thought about dying, I wanted to go out with a bang. Maybe in the future I'd blow up a building and die in the fire, or maybe a crazy shoot out. Maybe I'd die by my own hands, jump into the ocean and just let myself sink, exiting this world surrounded by sea life. Nobody would find me, but they'd know what happened.

Sometimes I just wanted to kill myself quickly, get it over with so I wasn't present on this god forsaken Earth anymore. With all the pain I went through at such a young age, the future didn't seem too bright for me. I was mentally destroyed, and even when things were getting better something happened and I was right back where I started. Matt was going to do great things, he was always better at managing his emotions.

Everything felt like pure shit, I never knew a normal life. I didn't really get to be a kid, my innocence was taken by the time I was seven. The one thing people don't talk about after you're assaulted as a child: for the rest of your life you'll long for the kid you wanted to be. The kid who wasn't used and abused, but a kid that experienced the true joys of childhood.

Wanting certain toys even though you're too old, or to just sit and color pages of fucking Hello Kitty. Getting your hair brushed after a shower by someone who loves you, or being held after a bad dream. While I had to be mature for my age, I still had those childlike features within myself that I didn't let out. It was because I couldn't in the past, and as I got older I thought it was too late. Instead, at a young age I felt like an adult and smoked and drank. I smoked my first cigarette when I was twelve, and never looked back.

I actively started destroying myself before I even had the chance to truly live, and I got that part from my mom. It's hard to break away from what you've always known, and mental illness doesn't help with that in the slightest. Things got better at Wammy's, and being with Mello really opened my eyes to the possibility that maybe, just maybe, I deserved love.

He made things better, falling in love with him felt like I was meant to be in this universe. It made me feel like my birth wasn't just a big fucking mistake, and that we were made for each other. He changed my thoughts on love completely, he was it. He loved me, and I loved him. I could fully be myself around him and I wasn't scared to be me, we'd laugh and talk all night.

You know that feeling when you and someone you're close with keep laughing at something and each time you look at each other you just can't even speak? That's how it was for us, our stomachs would hurt and we could barely get any words out. We could do that for hours and never get bored, that's love.

When I thought about dying, I thought of him and Matt. What it'd do to them if I was gone, how fucked up they'd be. At times my brain would tell me it was for the best, and that everyone would be better off without me around. But I didn't want to be without them, the thought of it destroyed me. But sometimes, I was impulsive and didn't think.

When things were finally getting better, B showed up and ruined everything. Just when my brain was finally somewhat balanced from my medication, and just when Mello and I were almost together, he took it all away. Within minutes, I was taken away from everything I ever wanted. The one place I felt safe, and the place where nothing should've hurt me. Wammy's was my new normal, my old life full of hurt and betrayal was left behind back in Ashcroft.

Wammy's made me happy, but only because of the people inside. Mello, my best friend and the boy I fell for harder than I could've imagined. My brother, my other best friend and my other half. We're two idiots together, but he's the best brother in the entire world. Near, my close friend who constantly pointed out my bad decisions but still chose to be my friend. He'd call me an idiot or emotional, but I'd still see that small smile when I cracked a joke. And L, who was like another big brother to me. He was fucking amazing, the smartest person I've ever met and someone who never gave up on me.