From the other side

Chapter 6

Her heart sank at her daughter's words, the weight of them heavy in her chest.

She was torn, a part of her knowing the girl was right, that she wasn't okay. But the other part, the part that had been holding everything together, refused to give in. She couldn't admit she was falling apart, even as it was becoming more and more obvious.

"Sweetheart, I-" her voice cracked

"Please, just-" she was at a loss for words.

"Kamala Harris" she hit the table "you are not the woman who raised me!"

Her heart ached as her daughter's words struck a nerve.

"And you're not the child I raised" she said quietly, a flicker of anger in her voice.

She knew it was a childish thing to say, but the exhaustion and the guilt were making her defensive.

"Yeah maby I am not, but i am not burying the only family i have."

Her words made her heart clench, her mind warring with her feelings

"I'm not asking you to" she protested weakly, her anger fading as quickly as it came.

She reached out to touch her daughter's hand.

"I'm ok" she repeated, but even as she said it, she knew it was an obvious lie.

She hit the table one more time

The sound of the girl's fist hitting the table made her flinch.

"Sweetheart, please, you're upset, I-" she started, her voice pleading.

"I just need-" she tried, her own exhaustion making it hard to form coherent thoughts.
                           
"Tell me come on." There was an angry challenge in her voice

She looked at her daughter, the anger in her voice making her hesitate.

She took a deep breath, her mind racing. She knew she couldn't keep lying, but the thought of showing her weakness, of admitting how far she'd fallen, was terrifying.

"I- I'm tired" she finally said, her voice barely above a whisper.

"Yeah i heard it already."

She flinched, her daughter's words feeling like a slap.

"Liz, please-" she pleaded, the anguish in her voice evident.

"I'm okay, I just- I need time" she said, trying to push aside the pain and exhaustion that were consuming her.

"I've had enough Kamala. If you're not fighting for your own life I won't too."

Her daughter's words stung, her heart aching at the thought of losing her.

"I- I'm not giving up, sweetheart" she protested weakly, even as the thought of continuing on felt like an impossible task.

"I'm just tired" she admitted again, her voice cracking

"Yes you fucking are. The strongest woman i know is disappearing."

Something in the girls words broke through her defenses, her eyes watering.

"I'm not strong" she whispered, the words a harsh truth she'd been trying to hide.

"I'm- I'm failing" her voice broke, her eyes tearing up as the dam finally burst.

"Yes you are and you are failing."

As her daughter knelt in front of her, Kamala felt a wave of emotion.

She looked at her, the girl's face a mix of anger, frustration and love.

"I'm sorry" She choked out, her voice barely above a whisper. "I'm sorry" she repeated, as if the words could erase all her failures.

"Kammy, I'm not mad that you're failing, you're a human, you can fail, but what i will not tolerate is pushing me away and lying to me."

Her daughter's words hit her like a punch in the gut. She knew she'd been pushing her away, keeping her at arm's length, putting up a facade of strength and control when all she really wanted was to just let go.

"I-I'm just-" she started, her voice trembling as tears fell down her cheeks. "I'm just tired, sweetheart" she admitted quietly, the truth escaping her before she could stop it.

"Kamala talk. Tell me everything right now."

She opened her mouth to protest, to cling to her facade of control, but her daughter's insistent gaze made her falter.

All the built-up stress, worry, guilt, and failure came bursting out of her.

"I- I'm exhausted, all the time" she said, her voice cracking.

"I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't-" her voice trailed off as a wave of emotions overwhelmed her.

"I can't keep up" she admitted, her voice quiet.

"I'm not sleeping, I'm eating scraps, I'm pushing past my limits just to stay afloat, but it's not enough, it's never enough…"

She finally lifted her eyes to look at her daughter, guilt swimming in them.

"I'm sorry" she whispered, her voice filled with shame.

"I'm supposed to lead, to be strong, to be everything everyone expects, and I can't…" her voice broke, the weight of her responsibilities too heavy to bear.

She looked at her daughter, pleading for understanding.

"I'm falling apart, sweetheart. I'm trying, but I'm falling apart"

"And did i need to curse my own mother up to hear this?" she smiled

The change in her daughter's tone caught her off guard, the gentleness in it surprising her.

She looked at her, a flicker of hope sparking in her chest.

"You're not angry?" she asked, her voice almost timid.

"I am hurt yes, a bit angry too, but you finally told me the truth."

Her heart ached at the hurt in her daughter's voice. She knew she'd hurt her by shutting her out, by putting up a wall between them. She reached out, her hand grasping her daughter's weakly.

"I'm sorry" she repeated. "I was trying to protect you, to keep you from worrying" she tried to explain, her voice a quiet murmur.

She stood up, pulling Kamala with her. "Come here mamma" she hugged her

As her daughter pulled her into a hug, Kamala felt a wave of emotions wash over her.

She wrapped her arms around her daughter, holding her tightly. Fresh tears fell down her face as she buried it in the girl's shoulder, clinging to her like a lifeline.

"Now we will go to that conference you wanted to go, chin up shoulders down."

"How do I look?" she asked, turning to her daughter. She still looked tired, her eyes puffy and her face drawn, but her expression was determined.

"Half dead"

She winced at her daughter's words, the truth of them hitting her like a slap.

"But presentable?" she asked, trying to make light of the situation.

"To be made presentable"

She chuckled softly at her daughter's words, the humor a much-needed relief.

"Alright, alright. Just don't go too heavy on the makeup" she said, a hint of teasing in her voice.

She laughed softly, feeling lighter than she had in days.

"Fine, do your worst" she teased, the banter with her daughter bringing a bit of color back to her cheeks.