His conscience

“I just wanna talk about fantasy
Yeah let's escape from reality.”
….

I am lost, I will agree to that.

For the last few days, I haven't been to school. I've been either at home, hanging with Albert or alone, taking pictures.

It's been about a week since I picked up a basketball and it has been an amazing week. I know I said a lot of things concerning my decision to stop basketball, how I was scared, how I wasn't sure if I made the right decision or whatever but there's one thing I'm definitely sure about: letting go of basketball in my life has taken a huge weight off my shoulder. It's like…amidst all the confusion and panic attacks, I feel a little lighter, freer. I didn't realise how much it weighed me down.

I wake up Friday morning, feeling unusually bright and positive, take a shower, put on some light clothes, grab my camera and headphones step out of the house.

I love quiet walks alone. Just me, myself and I walking in peace through the city, irrespective of the weather, minding my business and sometimes, listening to soft, slow music.

I take a sip of the chill bottle of water in my hands and sigh, suddenly realising that although I've been feeling alone for the past few days, I haven't really been…alone. Like, I've been surrounded by people, been in the company of people, constantly talking to people and trying not be rude to them when truly deep down, I just want to be alone. Okay I get it now. I've been feeling lonely but I haven't been left alone.

I take gulps of the water and continue strolling to…somewhere. I don't really know.
I'll always be introverted. I love my alone time and if I had to do this shit all over again, I'd choose to be introverted, because God forbid I was programmed in such a way that I'll need to be around people to feel energised. And I'm sure I'd dislike 90% of them.

I find myself in a location in the city that I'm not really familiar with. There's more vegetation here, I notice. Less buildings and structures.

Ah nature.

At first, I take my camera off my neck, intending to begin capturing the scene but then I decided to use my phone camera instead.

It's different from the normal one, in a way I can't explain and today I just want to use it.

It's early afternoon and the sun is glinting harshly down on the earth with such an intensity I find interesting. I make sure I capture it in all its fiery glory, right at the center. When I'm satisfied with that one, I look up and around, trying to find the perfect spots in the sky where the clouds make beautiful shapes against the light ocean blue sheet.

I find one that looks vaguely like a heart, another that looks like a dinosaur shooting flames out of its nose, and another that looks like a man in the middle of speaking with his mouth open.

I take pics of them and much more then I move to the trees all around. After sunsets, they're my favourite thing in nature. They're so beautiful, so natural, so…green. I'm not an artist but sometimes I can't help but find myself looking at them through the eyes of a painter. Trees are art, no matter what type. From the way their stems pierce into the earth below it to the way it reaches out upwards forming branches in such an intricate, undoubtedly interesting manner. And then the best part, the foliage.

I wonder if I'm the only person who is always so interested in the fact that there are endless types and sizes of leaves all around us, and even the ones that look the same have different patterns that set them apart. Nature is art and there are many things about it that I can yap about forever. Unfortunately, there really isn't anyone there to listen.

I let out a peaceful sigh and take a seat on an empty bench, downing the rest of my water before beginning to swipe through the pictures that I've taken. Something about me and nature is that when I take pictures, I decide to take several of the same picture with the intention of saving the best and deleting the rest but when the time comes for me to do that…it's hard. I love all my pictures.

I swipe through all of them, satisfied with each and every one of them. I'm constantly surprised at how great they look each time. I smile to myself.

I swipe and swipe till I get to the last picture but I don't know that because I swipe to the right again and when I see that it's the end, I decide to go back and start sorting through the pics but I stop myself because I remember that video.

It's a video of Conan when he was live once. In the video, there’s a cup beside him with a koala drawing and someone comments on the live ‘why does your mug not have a handle?’ and Conan immediately goes, ‘don't know, why don't you have a handle on your life?’

It's a savage one…a very mean thing to say yet it doesn't stop me from laughing out loud anytime I see it.
I watch it a few times and the editing just makes it better. A moment later, I remember that it was Star who sent it to me those times when we were still cool.

Knowing she was still out there hurt but I wasn't going to think of that today. I was going to focus on photography now. I'm always glad that I have it with me at the end of the day. Everyone should have a hobby. Highly recommended.

I decide to resume taking pictures. This time I'll focus on things besides nature, try to step out of my comfort zone. I have several pictures of landscapes and buildings and people but definitely not enough. Hopefully, today I can make up for it.

Although I'm feeling really good and excited today as I take pictures of the world around me, I can't help but notice that there's this feeling in my gut that is pulling my attention towards it. It's not necessarily a negative feeling. It's more of this…gut feeling, this thought that there's something I have to do. And I think this gut feeling is also trying to tell me that doing this one thing would make everything so much better.

It's a crazy idea and I don't want to push it away totally but I'm keeping it aside for now. For now, I'm focusing on my pictures.