Realmshift: code of the fallen

It started with a sneeze.

Not the kind that creeps up on you slowly. Not the polite kind that lets you prepare, grab a tissue, or warn your companions. No. This was the kind of sneeze that hit like a jump scare in a dating sim. Sudden. Violent. World-shaking.

"Achoo!" Kai exploded.

A bolt of lightning shot from his nose.

It hit a nearby tree.

The tree burst into flames. Then froze. Then turned into cheese.

"Uh," Crumble said, staring at the sizzling dairy log that had once been an oak, "was that... planned?"

Kai was already pulling up his status screen.

[FALLEN PATCHLING CLASS]
Passive: Chaos.exe (Beta)
Effect: Emotional or physiological triggers (ex. sneezing, hiccups, guilt) generate random elemental events.
Warning: Results may include laughter, disaster, or temporary orbital re-entry.

Crumble leaned over his shoulder. "I like how 'laughter' comes before 'disaster.'"

Kai groaned. "I knew taking the Fallen Code was a mistake."

The spoon in his belt buzzed ominously, like it had witnessed something it could never unsee. Greg the Goose hissed and waddled to a safe distance behind a rock labeled DO NOT INTERACT WITH THE ANOMALY.

"Okay," Kai said, "deep breaths. No more sneezing. Just calm, centered—"

"Achoo!"

This time, a wave of flame rippled out in a five-foot radius. Crumble barely dodged it. A squirrel-shaped shrub was not so lucky.

Kai stood there smoking, hair singed, cloak of infinite swagger fluttering with something like concern.

[Status Effect Gained: Lightly Charred]
Fashion penalty applied.
Confidence: still weirdly high.

Crumble emerged from a smoldering bush, coughing. "Allergies?"

"I don't know!" Kai yelled. "What am I even allergic to in here? Pixels? Destiny?!"

The ground beneath them shuddered. A nearby quest giver, mid-monologue, was launched into the sky by a geyser of rainbow acid. Somewhere in the distance, an achievement unlocked.

[ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED: What Did You Just Do?]
Trigger five unique weather effects by sneezing near emotionally fragile terrain.

Kai stared at the sky. "This is my life now."

Crumble sat beside him, charred fur puffed out like a broken loofah. "Look, you did say yes to unstable power laced with forbidden dev tools and possibly ancient regrets."

"I thought it'd come with cool spells," Kai muttered. "Or at least controllable spells."

"Plot twist," Crumble said. "You're the spell now."

Greg honked ominously and pointed with his beak at something approaching from the horizon.

A storm cloud.

Not a natural one. This one had eyebrows.

"Is that... following us?" Kai asked.

"Hard to say," Crumble replied. "Try sneezing at it."

"No!"

"Just one little sneeze—"

Kai glared. "I'm already a walking disaster, I don't need encouragement."

The storm rolled closer, and with it came a system message:

WARNING: Unstable Weather Event Detected
Source: Anomaly.KAI
Type: Narrative Storm
Recommended Action: Flee, pray, or improvise.

Crumble slowly stood. "Okay. We run now."

"Agreed."

They ran.

Lightning struck behind them. The grass beneath their feet turned to pudding. At one point, a random loot chest screamed, "I WASN'T READY FOR THIS!" and exploded in fireworks that spelled out WHY.

They dove into a cave made of mismatched terrain files. Inside, it was dry. Safe. Slightly humming. The walls whispered in JavaScript.

Kai collapsed, gasping. "I can't live like this. I can't sneeze without destroying physics."

"Silver lining," Crumble offered, "you're officially the most unpredictable entity in the game."

Kai flopped onto his back. "Great. I'm not a player. I'm a walking RNG generator."

"Statistically rare!" Crumble chirped. "Think of the resale value."

The spoon rattled against the cave wall, then sighed. "You broke the system. You own it now."

Kai sat up, rubbing his temples. "There has to be a way to control this. Like, like focus the chaos. Channel it. Sneeze on purpose."

Crumble raised a paw. "What if we trained it? Made you a sneeze mage."

"A sneeze mage?"

"A sneeze-mancer. A sneezard. A nostrildomancer."

Kai groaned. "You're making it worse."

"Embrace the brand, Kai."

He stood and pulled a handful of dust off the cave floor. "Breathe this in."

"Absolutely not."

"It'll help!"

"It'll kill me."

Crumble looked disappointed. "You're no fun anymore since the goose arrived."

Greg honked. A rock burst into flames.

Kai rubbed his face. "Okay. Focus. Fallen Code isn't just chaos. It's... possibility. Right? There has to be something deeper."

A glowing rift opened above them.

[NEW SYSTEM EVENT: Experimental Patch Detected]
Applying Chaos.exe Driver Update...
Sneeze triggers now include additional status effects: Emotional, Temporal, Existential.

Kai groaned again. "No no no—"

"Achoo."

He blacked out.

When he came to, he was hovering five feet off the ground. Crumble was in slow motion. Greg was wearing a cape and playing the banjo. The sky was a command prompt blinking >whoami.

[Status Effect: Meta Drift]
You are slightly unstuck from your own narrative.
Suggestions: Choose a better theme song. Stop sneezing.

Kai focused.

Centered himself.

And sneezed on purpose.

A ripple of glitch-light radiated outward. A nearby enemy spawn, a confused bandit, froze, screamed "What is even real?!" and turned into a bouquet of fireworks.

Kai dropped to the ground.

Crumble stared.

Greg honked approvingly.

Kai stood slowly. "Okay. Maybe I can work with this."

[Passive Ability Mastered: Chaos.exe - Level 1]
You may now sneeze for targeted effects. Probably. Cooldown: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Crumble clapped. "My sneeze wizard is growing up."

Kai cracked his neck. "Let's find that Patchbinder again."

"Why?"

"I want to ask them what else this code can do."

Crumble grinned. "You're embracing it."

Kai nodded. "I don't know what's ahead. But I'm gonna sneeze straight through it."