Almost Everything

"Hey, what's wrong Liv? What happened?" A worried look took over her face. Her eyes narrowed on my tear stricken cheeks.

I collapsed into Cara's arms on her doorstep. After mine and Alex's argument 20 minutes ago I drove away and all my driving lead me here. Right now I just needed to be with my best friend.

"Come on let's go inside." She said. She led me indoors into her house. Sitting me down on her couch, before returning with two wine glasses and a bottle of Bourgogne Ordinaire my favourite red wine. She knew things were bad. She opens the wine, pouring us both a glass. She handed me my glass. My hands shaking I downed the whole glass. Sighing heavily afterwards.

"Olivia, what is the matter?"

"I wish I could tell you. God I really do but I can't."

She shuffled over closer to me. Placing her hand on my knee. "Olivia, you know you can tell me anything."

I sniffled, fighting back the tears. I closed my eyes. Taking a few deep breathes to calm myself down. I looked over at Cara, she looked so confused and worried. Her eyes big, filled with dread of the words that would leave my mouth.

"I..... I..... I love him Cara. And I have no idea what to do about it," I held my hands over my face. The words just fell out of my mouth I couldn't stop them even if I wanted to. I can't believe I just said that.

"What are you talking about Liv? You're not making any sense. Who are you talking about?" I stood up and began to pace the room. Cara just watched me.

"Olivia! Will you just talk to me, I can't help you if you don't tell me what the matter is."

"It's Alex. I love him. I love him so much it hurts to breathe Cara. I have never felt like this. I thought I knew what it felt like to be in love, but I'd only experienced a small fraction of the consuming feeling. A feeling so strong that it keeps you awake at night, and creates this aching in your chest, which only seizes when you are with that person. They take your breath away without fail every single day, making your heart skip a beat. You'd do anything for them. Because they are all you want. They are all you need. They are everything." I fell back on to sofa, sinking into the comfort of the cushion beneath me. Drawing my knees u to my chest, I rested my chin on my knees.

"Okay, so tell him all of that."

"I can not tell him that Cara. He can never know I feel this way. Ever."

"But at some point you have to stop being so angry at what happened to you. You have to stop being so sad, you have to stop killing yourself and start living. And some point Olivia you just have to let go and be happy." She shuffled over closer to me wrapping her arm around me, I sank into her touch. Burying my head in her jumper. She stroked my hair. "You have to spread love instead of being afraid of it. You have to love yourself and everyone around you before it's too late my dear. Don't waste away being unhappy over trivial things my darling. Don't do it. Don't do it to yourself and don't let others do it to you."

"I just don't know if I can trust him with my heart Cara. The very thought of reliving having my heat broken completely terrifies me."

"I know, but at least this time you will be nursing a broken heart not broken ribs and a broken arm."

That night I slept on Cara's sofa. I was too tired to make the drive home, so I decided to stay. She gave me some of her old pj's to sleep in. With Alex playing on my mid as well as my haunting past. Replaying the words which Cara said to me. I know she is right. But I don't know if Alex is the right thing for me. I know he has a plan. He wants us to wait until the album is finished and he is half way through the tour for us to be together. But I just can't stop thinking of the consequences for Arielle. She seems to really love him. But I have to do what is right for me.

I suddenly at bolt upright, all tiredness leaving my body. I had to tell him. Right now. I quickly tiptoed from the house. Grabbing a hoddie that was hanging up, chucking on a pair of her converse by the door. I ran out to my car, starting the engine and speeding off. I tried to think of what I was going to say to him when I saw him. Should I just kiss him? I glanced at the clock which read 2:30am. Please still be awake.

I pulled up outside Alex's house. All the lights were off but both his car and his bike were outside. I bullied myself into getting out of the car. I knocked timidly on the door. Taking a deep breath, I knocked harder, which was more likely to wake him. He was a light sleeper after all. I looked up and saw the hallway light was now on. The click of the door unlocking, the swish of it opening, echoed in my ears. He rubbed his left eyes with the palm of his hand. His dishevelled bed head. His pj bottoms hanging loosely to his hips, a white plan shirt covering his upper body.

"Liv, what are you doing here?" he asked, his voice hoarse almost a whisper.

"i...urmm....i just need you to urmmm," I couldn't speak. It was as if all the words in the universe had disappeared from my mind.

"Liv?"

"What I'm about to say is probably the most selfish thing I've ever said in my life."

"Olivia, what is going on?

" I just need to say it once. You just need to hear it once. I love you. Alex David Turner, I love you. I love you so much it consumes me. I love you and I know you love me too."

And then I saw the look on his face. I realised what I was doing to him. What I would be doing to us if I were to go through with this, how it would affect our work together and the rest of the band. I couldn't do this to him. So I didn't say what I wanted to say. Instead I said: "And it's because I love you that I can not  be selfish with you. Why you shouldn't know this. I don't deserve you but she does. And I'm so sorry but I just needed you to know. I needed you to hear those 3 words from me. Just this once."

"Olivia..... I don't know what to say. I.... "

I heard the creek of the stairs and then Arielle appeared behind Alex. Hugging his chest, resting her chin on his shoulder. Shit. Did she just hear me?

"Olivia, hey. What are you doing here?

"I, was actually just leaving. I'm sorry for waking you. Goodnight." I bolted. I walked away as fast as possible. Back to my car where I pulled off far enough away so they couldn't see me. I pulled over to the curb. Slamming my hand against the steering wheel. Frustrated with how stupid I am. A single tear slid don my cheek, after that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't stop them falling.