How to disappear

Hudson

I wanna be yours - Arctic monkeys

"Hudson you need to be a fucking beast out there. If we lose, I won't be in a very celebrating mood"

I'm not sure why coach thought that would incentivise me to play better. It's not like he's the one being dragged to a party right after this.

Elliott chucks me the ball and I'm sprinting, I'm sprinting like I've never ran before, like if anyone takes the ball, I'll stop existing. I pretend the ball is Betty.

Shit. Not the time, not the time, really not the time.

I chuck the ball to Tom and halt from running, all the guys preparing to tackle me scramble away.

I've been avoiding looking into the crowd since we began, I'm just scared I'll see her there. Porter earlier was flipping someone off and I saw Jacob staring into the crowd. Probably looking for his next meal.

I sort of hope she's looking at me. I want to just tell her 'Look at me goddammit, all I want is you. Jesus, I don't even know you and my whole being belongs to you. Just let me be all you need, let me show you I can be everything for you' I've refrained from saying anything of the sorts yet because it feels a tad too personal.

Focus, Hudson.

I train my eyes back on the ball and see we scored a goal; coach is glaring at me. I've only scored, what? Like all the points? But it's not enough, it's never enough. Not for him, not for my dad, not for me. And I don't even care about footy.

"Are you deaf, blind or just that dense that you can't see the fucking ball when it's right in front of you. Hudson, if you don't focus, you don't want to know what I'll do" Dad seethes, I already have an idea of what he'll d-

I wipe the sweat off of my forehead with my shirt and run up to the action. Someone from the other team has the ball under the pile of warm bodies. I don't bother trying to get it, instead I make sure his teammates can't get it. To the best of my abilities at least, I am only one person.

The ball shoots into the air, hitting Eli right in the face before it falls to the ground. There's only a millisecond of peace before it's a tangle of people attempting to retrieve it.

Jacob gets it and immediately passes it to me. I think the other team underestimated me. I don't say that in a 'I'm the best player ever, everyone should try to stop me' way, it's just the fact that no one is guarding me when I get the ball.

They try as I'm hightailing it down the field but it's too late. Another goal for us, leaving the score at 14 - 1. I would feel bad, but they really should've expected it, we are the highest scoring team in the school district.

"Hudson! Don't just stand around, go for the ball" I hadn't even realised it was the other teams.

A metaphorical switch clicks and all my hurt from the last week burns into an anger. Not at her, never at her. Just at myself, coach, and especially footy.

I can feel that anger release with every step I make towards the ball.

Final score was 23 - 4, I don't even know how they got those four. I went a little psycho, but I feel kind of relieved, like a metaphorical wight was lifted by the metaphorical switch.

"Party time" Ezra's singing works its way around the changing rooms. I'm reminded of the hell hole I'm about to enter.

I wrap my towel around my waist and walk out of the shower room, "Can you keep it down, I have a headache" Lie. I don't have a headache I just want everyone to shut up. I just need like five minutes peace to prepare.