I'm trying o.k?

Chapter 6

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Dan's pov:

I sat in the bottom of the shower and felt the water washing over my back. The blade was twirling between my fingers and I starred down at the light reflecting of the metal surface. My head was zone out and everything I could see was out of focus.

Do it. It doesn't matter anyway and no one will know. It doesn't matter. Just do it. Nothing matters anymore.

Then I gave in. To everything winding round my head. To all of the hatred and all the wanting I had felt for the last few months. I cut across my wrist, over and over, deeper and deeper. The blood circled round the drain. My head flowed between harsh thoughts and numbness.

"Dan? Did you fall asleep it's been ages?"

Shit Dan get out of the shower! "I'll be out in a sec I just... got caught in a daydream."

"O.k." he chuckled and I heard his footsteps getting further away.

I jumped out of the shower and cleaned up  my arms, as much as I could anyway, they were still a fucking mess from all the cuts. These ones required bandages as the worst ones were still oozing out blood and it wouldn't be long for them to soak through any clothes I put over them if they were left uncovered. Thankfully I had taken a long sleeved top with me for pajamas with my checkered bottoms. Fighting my way through the sleeves hurt like hell as I had to attempt to guide my arm through. I cleaned away any blood that remained in the shower and left the bathroom.

In my room was a half finished bottle of vodka plus another full bottle, I quickly took a gulp from the open one before stashing it back in the gap next to my bed when I heard Phil knock on the door. It was to early to feign sleep right now.

"Dan do you want to do something tomorrow?" He said as he sat on my bed.

My head swam from the first hit of alcohol but I swiftly managed to control myself and find a few words that would be comprehensible to the English language. "Like what exactly."

"We could go into town and do some shopping. I wanted to get some new jumpers. Also I though we could go back to that coffee shop for a drink." He grinned at me as he listed a few jumpers he had seen in the shops last time he was out.

"Yeah that sounds good, what time do you want to go?" I loved seeing him so happy as we made plans for the day and talked about different jumpers. If only I could make that smile last forever. Pull yourself together you can't give in to these feelings again. No Phil is straight and he doesn't need you gawping at him all the time.

"Is 11 ish good?

"Yeah should be fine, you might need to wake me up if I'm not out of bed by 10."

"Alright." He shot me another smile before leaving and closing the door as he did. My happiness faded soon after.

Fuck, a whole day around Phil, how am I going to survive. Wait should I drink If I have to go out tomorrow? Maybe just a little bit.

I drank a 5th of the bottle before putting it back in it's hiding spot and lying on my bed. I stared at the ceiling and though about Phil. My mind wasn't logical enough to stop me so I enjoyed the thoughts of beautiful blue eyes, how dark his hair was and finally; the smile he got when he was genuinely happy. Soon I drifted into sleep.

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Phil's pov:

Tomorrow was going to be great now Dan had agreed to leave the house, he looked happy but tired so I thought I'd leave him to sleep. Before I stood up I saw something shine next to Dan's bed. Then I saw the light bouncing off of a half empty vodka bottle with a full one behind it. My face dropped as I remembered the other night of a vulnerable Dan sitting on the kitchen floor.

I shook my head at  the memory and smiled before leaving Dan. Hopefully he would get better.

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Dan's pov:

That night my dreams were filled with images of Phil, of us together, hugging, kissing. His smiles were bright and his eyes soft with love among the ocean blues. He was happy, we were happy together.

Then my dreams turned dark and I saw myself sitting drunk on the kitchen floor, crying over Malteasers. Phil stood towering above me with sadness replacing the love he had before. I felt angry as I told him I loved him and he said he loved me back. How could he be so stupid? He would be miserable as I would drag him down into my pit and he would leave as he realized he couldn't save me.  He deserved someone way better, someone I couldn't be. I stood up and told him he wasn't allowed to love me. From the corner of my eyes I saw his pain as I left him there.

The pain I saw ripped through me and I sat up awake, terrified of what I had seen, even though hurting him pushed him away and was logical it was still horrible to see it all as if it were real.

My clock said 7. I guess I Phil wouldn't have to wake me up after all.

I grabbed a mug and put vodka in it before taking it to the kitchen and making coffee. After making Phil's I took it to him and knocked on his door, he grumbled a invitation into his room. When I entered he was still lying in bed, propped up slightly on his elbows and shirtless. This is too much.

In panic I attempted to leave so Phil's brilliant body wouldn't haunt my mind and pull my emotions.

"Dan come back." I turned round to see he had pulled on a t.shirt an sat up in bed drinking his coffee. Glasses and bed hair topping of his perfection.

"Have you eaten? We could have breakfast together."

"Sorry I already did, do you want to make you some cereal?"

"Yeah that would be great Dan, I'll be there in a sec." He reached for his phone as he drank his coffee and I left to make him breakfast.