I'm trying o.k?

Dan's pov:

I looked up and saw Phil, sitting there watching the t.v and lightly laughing at it. His eyes were bright and his smile was so charming. I wanted to stare at him forever because I still loved him and it that moment I knew I would never be able to try to kill myself again. It was so small and so simple, no one would understand if I told them, they would say it was stupid and something so small would never be able to save anyone. But it helped. His smile was so bright that I felt a little brighter.

All I wanted was to kiss him, because he was perfect. In my head I thought about how much I had hurt him already and how much of a burden I would be to him when I was weak. No more thinking Dan. I moved closer and lightly kissed him on his perfectly pale cheek before looking up seeing his beautifully blue eyes staring at me.

"Dan?"

"Phil, I want to be with you. I'll try harder and I'll get better and I'll be here. I still love you, that's one thing that hasn't changed. I should have told you instead of pushing you away. I'm really sorry."

I had rambled on and I just wanted Phil to stop me and say something.

"O.k." Phil whispered. "I'll be here too. I will help you."

So I guess we were together again even though we didn't use words like 'boyfriend' or 'relationship'. We were keeping it small and casual so it wouldn't be such a big deal. I liked that. We slept in his room tonight and it was more comforting than ever imaginable to fall asleep in his arms once again.

After another episode of Full Metal Alchemist Phil turned to me, "let's go out today."

"Er- I-" Phil noticed my panicked look as I hadn't left the apartment since the hospital and quickly grabbed my hand to comfort me.

"Just coffee Dan. You and me." I don't know why but I liked when he included my name in simple sentences, it made me feel safe.

I nodded and gave him a light smile before getting up to grab my jacket, when standing up I took in the sight of myself: joggers, a hoodie and I could feel the curls of my hair on my forehead. . Maybe a quick shower.

The hot water stung my recent thigh wounds from the blade I stole from Phil but not in the normal, aggressively satisfying way where I would swear at the pain before smiling slightly and cynically laughing at my own mess. This time I felt guilty because I wasn't going to die anymore now that I needed to be stronger for Phil since I had actually realized my death would weirdly be more painful to him than anything I could do whilst alive.

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Phil's pov:

 Dan had gotten out of the shower looking a bit sad but smiled once he saw me standing in the doorway of my bedroom, tugging on my jacket. With everything that happened in that bathroom I wouldn't be surprised if it brought back some horrible memories. It was hard enough for me to think of Dan lying there in his own blood but Dan had been trapped in his head and would remember all the thoughts even if he didn't feel them anymore. I hope he doesn't feel them anymore. I thought back to Dan lying in the hospital bed telling me he still wanted to die and hoped he had changed, even if it was a small bit at a time.

Than I remembered him swearing in the shower the other day and how often he had showered before the... event. That shower had more horrific memories for him than the one we shared. I needed to find ways of checking he wasn't still self-harming without reminding him. There are no blades he can get in the apartment right? No they were all locked away. But still...

"Ready?" Dan asked from his doorway. He was wearing black jeans and a black top with a gray hoodie over, I supposed the top underneath was short sleeved. His hair was straightened but he still had a hat over it, he told me once that hats were comforting. Dan hadn't put much effort into his appearance lately since we always stayed in but he looked good today.

"Yeah, lets go." I smiled at him and grabbed my keys from the dish as we left.

The coffee shop had a few people around but not many so we sat in our usual spot. After ordering our coffee which Dan insisted on paying for we chatted about simple things like funny gifs on tumblr and our favorite characters on various animes we were binge watching.

"Dan do you want to move apartment?" I didn't want him to suffer there if it was too hard.

"No- why would I want to do that?" he seemed hurt that I was asking and I wasn't sure why.

"Just, I don't know, the shower I guess. I thought it might have too many bad memories for you and you looked sad when you got out the shower today. I don't know Dan I just want you to be able to live somewhere you're happy."

"Phil there are so many good memories that outweigh the bad ones. I think if I were in a new apartment it would be a constant reminder of why we left the old one. Does the shower bother you that much?"

"No not really, I mean it reminds me of... things, but knowing you're o.k with it makes me feel better. A lot better." He smiled and sipped on his coffee. "But why were you sad after showering earlier?"

"Sometimes I just get caught up in my head but it's o.k. It's not as bad as before."

"Well you can just talk to me but I'm happy it's not as bad as before."

We changed the subject and chatted about maybe going to see Chris and Pj sometime, Dan seemed hesitant but I told him he could just think it over and we would go when he was ready. He hadn't seen them much except at the hospital, they came over once or twice to say hi but always texted me first in case Dan was having a bad day, a few times I turned them down because Dan was off. Once Dan stayed in his room for a whole day and didn't leave a single time. I think I heard him crying that day.

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Later in the evening we had been watching films when I dragged myself up to go to bed. "I'm so tired I could pass out right here. Do you want to come?"

"I'm not too tired, I'd only keep you up."

I turned to head down the hallway but stopped and sighed.

"What's wrong." Dan asked looking worried.

"Er- you haven't... self-harmed lately. Have you? I'm sorry for asking I guess I just worry sometimes."

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Dan's pov:

"No."

Why did I just lie to Phil? I was meant to be getting better and stronger but how would I do that through lying? He would find out eventually. I guess old habits die hard.

"O.k good." He smiled at me and looked relieved. "I'm sorry for having to ask but I'm glad you're not."

"It's o.k I get it. Now go to bed you look exhausted."

Phil turned to go to sleep and I sat in silence breathing deeply. I ran a hand lightly over my leg and grimaced at the sharp pain. Fuck you Dan Howell. I lifted my arms and covered my face with my hands as I let out a quiet groan both at lying to Phil and at my stupidity for doing it in the first place. I remembered when it all started so many years ago, the cuts were smaller and it had no effect on my life. Ironically I distinctly remember thinking "It's fine I can stop whenever I want, this is a choice" and if I had have stopped than it would be fine now but I didn't. I believed I was in control and I let it get worse until it was out of control. Now it may as well be my oxygen but for everyone else they didn't understand.

They saw it as my heroin.

Maybe not even heroin, they couldn't wrap their minds around the idea that this was something I wanted, something that gave me satisfaction. To be fair I had never explained it like that because I knew they would think it was wrong. To them it was almost something inflicted upon me, like I was a vulnerable child being punched by a bully, like I was weak and couldn't fight them. Maybe it was true that I couldn't fight it but partly because I didn't want to, it was an addiction, something I enjoyed and apart from physical damage I could fully see why it was all so bad.

It is my heroin.