I'm trying o.k?

Chapter 10

I texted Pj asking if he wanted to hangout and then checked that there was enough food in the kitchen. Dan's cereal was still in the cupboard so I took it out and placed it on the side with a note saying I was going out and he should try to eat something.

Soon Pj texted me back saying I could hang with him and Chris at theirs, they were watching movies and wanted me to grab popcorn on the way. I closed the door softly as I left so I wouldn't wake Dan up.

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Dan's pov:

I heard Phil leave the apartment, he closed the door quietly enough but he always ran down the stairs. My head lifted and a dragged myself out of bed, taking the vodka with me. Phil had left a note in the kitchen leaning against my cereal box. At first I smiled at how adorable he was then I remembered he needed to hate me so I didn't touch the box or the note. This way he would know I hadn't eaten.

The vodka bottle was still in my hand and I knew it was going to be tough to do this to Phil so I took a giant swig of alcohol to  suppress the guilt. Next I wondered through to the bathroom and got in the shower, drunk showers felt amazing. I took the blade and dragged it over my arms, cynically laughing as I cut deeper. I hadn't done this since Phil and I got together, I thought that if we got close I wouldn't want him to see new ones and think I was still miserable. But that wouldn't happen now.

Once I had cleaned up and dried of I got on a pair of joggers and walked around the house shirtless since no one else was here. The slight chill over my exposed flesh was incredible but I kept a jumper tied round my waist in case Phil came home.

My phone rang and I saw Phil's name flash across my screen. Shit. I convinced myself I could pretend to be sober long enough for this conversation.

"Heeey" Shit Dan not a good start. I coughed a bit to clear my voice.

"Hey to you too." He laughed. "I'm going to be late home because Chris and Pj wanted to order Indian and I wasn't going to object. It's not too late if you wanted to come over you know."

I barely caught any of that and it took a while for my brain to process. "Er no thanks, too much fuss."

"Yeah o.k. I'll see you later then..." He hung up.

He was so cold with me, if he was starting to get fed up with me then my plan was working.

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Phil's pov:

"Phil are you o.k?" Chris said after I hung up the phone.

"Yeah I think so it's just Dan..." Chris gave me a worried look. "No he's not in trouble he just sounded... pissed, you know? Drunk."

"I thought you said it was to help him sleep?"

"Well apparently it's 5 o'clock in the evening too, or just whenever I'm not around to stop him."

"Do you want to go over there? We wont mind, right Pj?"

"Mmm?" Pj replied, clearly not paying attention to the conversation.

Chris rolled his eyes. "I said: we wont mind if Phil goes to check on Dan, he's drunk."

"Wait why is Dan drunk?" Pj questioned.

"I don't know." I sighed. "but I don't really want to go over there so I'll leave him to sober up and go home later. If it's anything like before he won't remember it anyway so there's no point talking to him."

"Like before?" Chris and Pj looked at each other for clues, as if they both suspected they'd missed something.

"Yeah a while ago he was drunk and walking around the kitchen in the middle of the night. He had forgotten everything the next day and pulled of covering up the hangover like it was nothing, as if he was used to it."

"Oh, well yeah maybe just leave him to sober up and see what he's like tomorrow."

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I got home at 10 to 11 and Dan was no wasn't wondering around, he was in his bed where I had left him, except I knew he had moved since. There were no dishes by the side and nothing in the kitchen had been eaten. Then I turned around and saw the cereal box with the note on the side, that was such a piss take. If he had seen the note why wouldn't he at least put the cereal back or do something?

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Dan's pov:

Over the next few days I barely talked to Phil, I slept even more than before. I could feel his growing irritation at me as I ignored him and neglected him. He always hugged me first or leaned in to the kiss first and he was noticing. This was good. I constantly ignored the little notes I used to find so adorable - now they just made me sad, I would miss him but I couldn't be selfish. He deserved better.

I had lost more weight and now my bottom two ribs were showing but it didn't matter with the jumper and it seemed less noticeable to Phil because he hugged me everyday so the loss was gradual. That was one of the weird things, no matter how annoyed Phil got he never stopped hugging me.

Today I left the cereal box on the side again when Phil had put it out for me. I sat in my room and heard him curse from the kitchen and slam the cupboard door, presumably after putting the cereal back.

Phil entered my room, I thought he was going to scream at me but he looked unnaturally calm. "Dan, Chris and Pj are coming over."

"O.k."

"I thought you would like to see them since you haven't left the house in a while." He smiled at me, this was all fake. He still believed I was vulnerable and everything I did was out of depression. Not eating, over sleeping, occasionally drinking. I needed him to see me as more than a weak child that needed to be looked after. If he thought he had to care for me he would never leave me alone.

"Yeah, sure." I muttered and he left.

I heard them come into the house and chat. I heard them put the t.v on and laugh. Dammit Dan you have to do this.

It had been half an hour since I heard them come in and Phil hadn't tried to convince me to see them or in fact do anything. This was really going to hurt him but the timing couldn't be better.

I walked past the lounge into the kitchen and heard them mutter before continue chatting.

"Hey Dan." Chris shouted from the other room. I ignored him. Phil would go through years of me ignoring him if he had to but he hated me being rude to anyone else.

"I'm going to the loo." I heard Pj mutter before walking off.

"Ignore him he's probably in his own bubble of tiredness."

"I can fucking hear you!" I shouted back.

They were silent. I purposefully clinked the glasses together as I took one down from the shelf. Footsteps sounded as someone left the lounge.

"Dan what are you doing. Are you drunk again?" It was Phil.

"Unfortunately no." I glared at Phil.

"Dan why don't you come and sit with us, we're watching a film and you can have fun. Please."

I rolled my eyes and shot my glare back to him. "Don't do that."

"What?"

"Treat me like a fucking child!" I raised my voice so everyone would hear.

"I'm just trying to help." His voice was so soft, like he was scared of me and looked like he could cry. I wanted to break and hug him and make it all better but this would help him... in the long run.

"I don't want your help, I don't even want you. I was weak and you were there but I don't love you anymore. I guess you were my fantasy knight in shining armor but now I have you I've realized I was just lonely and I sure as hell don't need you taking pity on me and trying to save me. Fuck you Phil Lester."

He looked devastated as I walked away and I saw a tear roll down his face. I walked into Pj who had just left the bathroom.

"Hey Dan, where are you going?" He pretended he hadn't heard any of it.

"We don't keep the good stuff in the kitchen." I replied, waving the empty glass above my head before slamming my bedroom door. Quietly breaking down in tears once I was sure they wouldn't hear.