Thinking Different Thoughts

Trigger warning - cutting will happen. Please skip the parts labelled **trigger** you are easily triggered.

Stay safe, and stay alive. You're all super amazing :)

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T ÿ ł ë r

I was beyond glad Josh hadn't followed me because if he had then he would have seen me crying and I couldn't stand that. I wasn't sure if he was actually that angry with the whole situation or if he actually felt used or not, but I couldn't stand to be next to him right now. Even just being in the same room as him would have killed me.

Did he really feel used? Was he really that upset with me? I felt terrible. I didn't mean for this to happen. I wasn't using him, I didn't want him to think this was all a set-up relationship or any of that other shit! I wanted him to be as happy as I was when I saw his face and heard his laugh.

I grabbed the necessaries I would need for the next little while and quickly left the room, making sure the door was unlocked so he could get in. Why he still didn't have a key, I didn't know, but I didn't want him to get locked out.

"Patrick?" I whispered, knocking quietly on the door with Patrick and Pete's name under the number 43.

The door opened somewhat quickly and Patrick looked at me with confusion. He had messy hair, no shirt on, and a pair of black shorts. The room was dark and, from what I could see, empty.

"Why're you here? You look like shit," he said, turning on the light to show that it was only him in the room tonight.

"Why're you alone?" I asked, trying to ignore his previous questions. I didn't want to admit that the guy I told him was absolutely perfect had managed to make me cry. I never thought he would be able to do that ever again, and here I was, crying because of Josh again.

Patrick sat down next to me after pulling on and shirt and he smiled a little. "Want me to call Jenna or Jack or Mikey?" He offered. "Or Josh?"

"No," I blurted as soon as I heard Josh's name. "Don't call anyone. I just came here to sleep. Sorry if I'm bothering you," I said a little slower and calmer.

He shook his head and laughed a little. "You're not bothering me, Tyler. We're like best friends. I just want to make sure you're okay. That's all." He said softly. I covered my face with my hands. I kind of wanted to talk to Jack or Jenna about this, but they would just tell me they were right and that Josh was no good. Especially not for me. I didn't believe that.

"I'll be right back, okay?" He said, standing up and walking to the door. "Just call me if you need anything." I nodded and slumped back on Pete's bed. It was lumpy like all the other beds in this fucking school and I smelled like Pete. I don't know how to explain it other than candy. He smelled like candy and sometimes Axe.

I wiped off my face and pulled out my phone. Jenna texted me. Of course. Patrick must have called her and Jack to tell them the news. Fucking wonderful.

Why am I swearing so much all of a sudden? I never even say damn! Is it because of Josh? Or because I'm just really upset right now?

Jenna: how's it going, Ty?

Me: fine

Jenna: Pat said you didn't want me to know, but he was really concerned and didn't want to bother you

Me: oh. Cool.

Jenna: do you want me to come by?

Me: if you want to. I don't care anymore.