Thinking Different Thoughts

Chapter 12

Jenna: I'm being Jack, Pat, and The Notebook. Be there in fifteen

Great. Jenna was bringing Jack. There was no way he would let me live this down. I knew there wasn't a chance he wouldn't say something shitty about Josh. I wish he would just understand that he was a good guy and it was my fault we were in this situation.

Sure enough, fifteen minutes passed and the three came back with ice cream and the movie The Notebook.

"You're acting like we broke up or something," I said.

Jenna sat next to me and didn't say anything. She wasn't agreeing with per say, but she wasn't denying the accusation either.

"We just feel terrible," she said finally. Patrick had put the movie in and sat on his bed next to Jack. I noticed Jack kept looking over at me every few minutes and then looking back at the movie absentmindedly. I wasn't paying the slightest attention to the movie. I was thinking about something I had said to Josh.

Now he knows a little who did this. I told him it was one of his friends. He must be narrowing it down. I hope he doesn't try anything. I don't want to face Alex again about my boyfriend confronting him. I don't know if I could take another beating from Alex and his stupid gang of 'friends'.

"Tyler?" Jack asked, looking at me funny. Jenna and Patrick had fallen asleep and the movie had ended. I hadn't been thinking too long, I had been sitting and dozing off for a good portion of the time.

"Yeah?" I asked, not making eye contact.

"Do you actually like Josh?" He asked. Of course he was asking.

I clicked my phone off in my pocket as I answered him. Josh must have texted me.

"Yes. What kind of a question is that?" I asked, like it was the most obvious thing in the world. Which to me it was.

"Okay." He said, not believing my a hundred percent. I could see it in his eyes and hear it in his voice. "Come on, Jen," he whispered as he put an arm under Jenna's to pick her up. She half walked and half let him carry her as they left.

"See you tomorrow or in class on Monday," Jack said as they left. I nodded and closed the door behind them.

I eagerly checked my phone. Josh had texted me.

Josh: I'm really sorry, Ty. If you can believe me. I hate that I ruined the day and the night and all. You know how to reach me or find me if you need to. I love you ~Drummer Boy

It hurt. A lot. The message hit me hard. But I couldn't let him know that. I didn't want him to think I was weak or something. So I composed an easy, emotionless message that I hated. Maybe he would hate it to.

Me:  I just need some space for a little bit. I can't live in Patrick's room forever, so you'll see me soon. Besides. We have that music thing in class on Monday. Just... please don't hate me, okay Drummer Boy? A Sad Singer is nothing without his Drummer....

I don't know why I called myself 'Sad Singer'. I guess because Josh called himself 'Drummer Boy' and I wanted to say something that showed my emotions and how I really felt towards him. The last sentence proved it and showed all the emotion I had left in myself.

Patrick was dead asleep. I knew he wouldn't wake up now. He was a terribly heavy sleeper. Which was good. That meant he wouldn't notice when I left.

I walked to Josh and my room and checked in really quick. I had forgotten something that I would desperately need tonight. Josh was asleep when I got to the room, thank god.

I stopped to admire his sleeping face. I could tell he had been crying, too, and it killed me. But what I was about to do would make up for the pain I caused both of us. I would be paying myself back.

**trigger**

I grabbed the small box quickly and left. I didn't want to stay any longer and see all the pain I had caused Josh so quickly. It was too much. It was all too much.

I ran towards the bathrooms that I knew would be empty and shut the door behind myself. I locked it, just to be safe, and opened the box.

This box had been with me for years, and over those years I had collected the perfect amount and variety of razors. I knew which ones to use if I wanted to heal quickly, feel a lot of pain, see blood, or die. Tonight, I wanted all in one. But that's not something that can happen.

I grazed the shiny silver pieces of metal and let my hand choose at random the pain I would be feeling tonight. It was a choice between death or just blood and pain. It depended on how I used this one. I decided I would see where it led, because tonight I couldn't find a way to feel anything but sorrow and anger.

This was justice. I would be paying myself back for the pain I caused Josh. I would be able to feel his pain and solve it quickly. As long as no one found out. Which no one would. I had been doing this for years and no one knew. Not even the person closest to me.

One cut and blood was flowing happily. Two more and it pooled and beaded at the cuts. It stung, yes, but that wasn't the pain I was looking for. I needed more. I needed to be in enough pain that I was crying and wishing it would end.

So I added more and more to me left and then right wrist. It hurt fiercely and felt like a fire was building up inside my skin, but I still didn't feel like I'd done enough.

"Maybe this is a sign," I said to myself as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I had washed the blood down the drain three times now and it kept coming. I wasn't light headed yet, so I knew I still had enough blood to give. "Maybe I should end it right here right now. No one cares, anyway. I think I should do it."

I actually smiled a little at myself when I decided this. It was a little bit of a thinker decision, but I had chosen. I wouldn't take the road towards life anymore. I would take the road to death.

"Tyler?" Vic's voice called. He knew my secret. He was the only one besides dad to know. "Tyler, come on. Let me in, will you?"

"G-go away, V-Vic!" I yelled shakily. He was going to do something stupid, like save me. Of course he was. I shouldn't have answered him. God dammit I should have just kept my mouth shut. How did he even figure out that I was in here?

With one fluid motion, I sliced up my arm, adding pressure to the blade. It hurt enough that I actually screamed a little when I did this. Perfect. Not only did it mean that I would die, but it meant that maybe, just maybe, I had felt pain like Josh had.

**trigger over**

"Tyler?"

"It's finally over, Vic!" I laughed before collapsing and blacking out.

I knew he would try and save me. Of course he would. Thank god he would be too late to actually save me. I was a dead man and it felt nice. I didn't want to cause anyone else pain, and killing myself would ensure that. As long as Vic couldn't get to me right away, I was making sure everyone was free from pain caused by me.