eyelashes ~joshler~

trigger: panic attack/voices

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Tyler was still giddy with delight after receiving his first text from Josh, even though it was from hours ago.

Joshua: hey tyler, its josh :)

That was it. A simple and meaningless text, and Tyler was definitely losing his cool over it. Even now, in his last class of the day, he was still thinking about it and smiling to himself.

I have Joshua's phone number. He used a smiley face when he texted me. Joshua is kind.

However, his last period was science. Science was a terrible subject for Tyler, and it was very inconvenient that he had to end his day with it. No matter how great his day could have been, it could so easily be ruined with his science class.

Not only was it a difficult subject, to make matters worse, the teacher was awful and never gave Tyler a break with his wardrobe. Today was no exception. Even with the happiness and excitement Tyler received from Josh today, his self esteem was being brought down with every sentence the instructor said.

"Ah, I see we're still going with the...skirts... thing, Mr. Joseph?"  Tyler didn't move. He heard the teacher chuckle and mutter "Fag" under his breath then turn back to the board as if nothing had been said at all.

Tyler bit down on his lip in pain, just trying his best to not think about it as he wrote down as much information he could as his teacher went on with his lecture. Tyler felt beads of sweat fall down his blemish-free forehead, beginning to grow more and more fearful of failure.

You aren't writing fast enough. You haven't gotten enough written down, you need more notes. Go faster, Tyler! Are you even really listening to what the teacher is saying?

Tyler nodded in response to his thoughts, beginning to write with more force. He really was trying his best to pay attention to the teacher, but sometimes he would miss important phrases or even huge chunks of the lecture without even realizing it. He didn't mean for it to happen, it just did.

You aren't even trying, Tyler. Look at how much everyone else has done! Come on, you know what's gonna happen if you don't do all of this right. You are going to fail the tests, not pass the class, and face your parents. Do you really want to give them more reason to despise their son?

Tyler shook his head no, biting his lip harder. He sensed the metallic taste of blood in his mouth. The small boy stopped writing altogether, he could barely even see correctly. His vision was blurred by a blanket of tears, threatening to fall with every breath he took. His entire body was shaking as he tried to blink them back.

Don't cry, Tyler. Maybe the teacher is right about you, since you cry so easily. You're going to be fine. Just don't cry here. Don't let people stare.

Tyler bounced his leg, in time to his erratic heartbeat, trying to think about anything else but the depressing weight of his anxiousness over a stupid set of notes and trying not to cry in the middle of class.

Tyler inhaled deeply through his nose and tried to let it out quietly through his mouth, but he couldn't even control his breathing.

Instead of letting out his breath slowly and softly, Tyler let a loud, choked sob escape. He felt his tears fall and slip down his cheek as he stared blankly at his notes. It was quiet enough, that Tyler could hear the sad drops hit the paper on his desk, smearing the ink that was written on the page.

"Tyler? Do you need to step outside?" The teacher's harsh voice snapped Tyler's attention to the reality of the situation. Everyone could see him cry. His desk was in the middle of the rows that were lined up in the class. Everyone could see his red face, bloodied lip, and teary eyes. He was completely vulnerable to the cruel stares of every person in the room.