Manipulated (Killua x Reader, Sequel to: The Split String of Fate) ~ On Hiatus

Your POV:

   You race down the hall, heart racing, eyes fogging and your legs starting to feel weak. You desperately force your key into the key hole and practically kick your room door open. Your legs buckle before you can even clear the space between the door and your bed. You fall to your  knees and just manage to crawl up to rest your crossed arms onto your bed. Your shoulders shake as you try to suppress the gut-wrenching memories you spent the last week trying to cast away. When stray tears begin to trickle down your cheeks, you can't help but completely breakdown into tears again. Your head falls into your arms and you cry. You cry for your dead friends and family. You cry about the scene of their unmoving bodies staring up at you, looking so peaceful, yet stained with hateful blood. You cry about how Killua and Gon know now, and how helpless you feel about all of this. 

     'I couldn't help them. They're all dead because of me! And I can't even talk to my friends about it because that'll just lead to more death!' You think to yourself and your fingernails dig into your arms. You can almost feel the skin tearing under your unkempt nails, so you quickly spread your arms out away from yourself. You press your face hard into your unbearably soft mattress and scream in frustration. You think back to everything that happened. Everything that assassin said to you, as your fingers being to claw at your bed covers, in desperate attempts to grasp something tangible, something real and in the present. Something to pull you away from the vivid horror film playing through your mind and burning its way though your memories. 

    You stay like that for a few minutes, hopelessly crying until you don't have the energy to bring forth more tears. Your eyes puffy eyes, flutter shut and your whole body submits to extreme exhaustion. For the past week you haven't gotten much sleep, from the nightmares plaguing my dreams and the Phantom Troupe research. I fall deeper and deeper into sleep, my mind apparently too tired of everything going on to even conjure up a dream, so I sleep with not a single image, or thought forming. 

    Some time during the night, my body jolts awake at the sound of someone at my door. It's a light knock, "Y/N... Please let me in."

   Killua.

   "Can we please talk?" He asks in a soft voice.

    You stay silent, knowing that no matter how much you wanted to talk, to see him. You couldn't, for everyone's own good. 

   You hear the door push open. 'Of course he let himself in.' And you feel him come closer and closer. A slight dip can be felt at the foot of your mattress. Clearly, he sat down and was probably looking at you. You tried to keep your face as calm and neutral as possible. You decided that it would be easier for you at this time to pretend to be asleep rather than be awake. At least then you could probably hear him talk for a little longer. You could tell your eyes were still slightly puffy from all of your crying, and no doubt Killua noticed, even in this darkness. 

   "Look, Y/N..." He says softly, "I know what happened and I want you to know that I'm really sorry." 

    He pauses, probably hoping for a reaction to fill the silence, but one doesn't, so he keeps going. "No one should have to go though something like that and I don't want you to have to face it alone." 

    Hearing him apologize and says these things, makes your chest tighten, and you try your best to avoid taking shaky breaths. 

     You feel him hesitate before to finally decides on what to do. You feel a gentle hand rest on your shoulder and you force yourself not to tense up at this sudden contact, so to not give yourself away. 

   "I want you to know that me and Gon, we're here for you. So please talk to us, we want to help... I want to help. And if I did anything to make you angry with me, I'm so so sorry." 

    You hear the pain in his voice, and you can tell how broken up he feels about all of this. 'Please why can't I just have this. This time with my boyfriend. The chance to talk to him, to look at him, to tell him none of this is his fault and that you love him. Your hand slowly reaches out from under your blanket. You desperately want to reach out and hold his hand in yours and just be together again. 

 But-- you can't. 

   If you do, who knows what might be taken from you next, or who might be taken from you next. You can't sacrifice another friend's life just to be with Killua. You won't do that. You can't gamble anyone's life simply to be with who you love. 

   Your hand grazes his fingers and lands on your blanket, pulling it closer to yourself and turning farther away from him. 

   He takes this motion as a sign for him to go and he stands up. 'I'm sorry, Killua.' You want to scream out, because you know how much he's hurting. 

But-- you can't. 

So you just listen to him walk across your room with dragging feet and to the door. You hear him pause before he turns the knob to leave, probably to look at your supposedly sleeping form. 

   You hear the door click shut behind him and you let out a shaky breath you had no idea you were holding in. You clench your bed sheet in between your fingers and silently scream all of your frustrations to the only person to whom you can, yourself.

    "I'll find a way to fix this." You say quietly, "Just please be a little more patient, Killua."