A Look Inside

Technically, this will be my apology to everyone in my life. I'm sorry I've lived for this long.

Mom, I want to apologize for never being good enough. No matter what I do, I could not live up to your standards. You wanted a more, for lack of a better term, feminine daughter. You wanted someone you could go shopping with, who would wear dresses, who would gossip with you. That just wasn't me and it never was. I'm sorry I disappointed you in every way I could. Believe me, I never wanted to. It's the worst feeling in the world, I'd rather you hate me. I'm sorry I'm not straight, either. I know you said it'd be "easier for you" if I were. It's not something I can change, and I'm not sure I would if I could. I definitely wouldn't hide it, that's for sure. I'm proud of who I am and I'm sorry you hate that part of me. Please, don't blame yourself. This had nothing to do with you. I love you.

Dad, I want to apologize for leaving mostly. I know it won't be easy on you but know that I love you and I don't blame you in any way. You had no part in this at all. You were more of a friend than you were a father but I'm not mad. I'm slightly upset, but not mad. I'm not happy with the fact that we've barely seen each other since I turned 18 but it's okay. I know you're dealing with a lot of stuff and you have your own life. I just think Nicolas deserves to have you more present in his life. He's still a child and he needs a father. Andrew and I have grown used to it, but I don't think Nicolas needs to. Lastly, I want to thank you for everything you've given me. I love you.

Andrew, I want to apologize for leaving as well. This will probably hit you the hardest. I'm sorry I was the annoying little sister when we were younger, I just wanted to stay close with you. You were my big brother and I wanted to be like you. That's why I made friends with your friends instead of making my own. I know most, if not, all of them viewed me as annoying as well and that may have embarrassed you. So I'm sorry. I want you to know a couple of things; I would have done anything for you, you deserve to be happy, don't let anyone stand in your way of being yourself, never change for anyone but you, and you're the best big brother I could have asked for. Please keep on living. The world needs you. I love you.

Nicolas, I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry for leaving you, I'm sorry I wasn't a better sister, I'm sorry I wasn't the best role model, I'm sorry I couldn't do anything right with you, I'm just sorry. You deserved better than me. You're the greatest little brother, I should have said that to you more often. I should have given you more hugs. I should have done a lot of things. I wanted to tell you that you're way smarter than people think you are. Try your best, it'll be good enough. And never give up no matter what. I love you.

Steffi, hi. I'm really sorry we couldn't keep in touch but I love that you found new friends. You've grown a lot since high school, I'm glad. I also want to apologize for not telling you about this. I know I probably could have but I was scared. I didn't want things to be different between us. Anyways, I hope you do great things in life. I'm sure you'll turn the world on its axis. I love you.

Sarah. God, there's so much to apologize for. The thing I most regret, is that I never got to meet you. You're my best and most likely closest friend I had. I won't go into details, mostly cause it's personal between us, but I never should have done that to you when we first started talking. You didn't deserve that at all and I hate to be part of your pain. I'm not proud in the least bit of what I did. I'm not happy that I did that, but I am happy that we've gotten to be friends. You've helped me in unimaginable ways and I can't explain in words how grateful I am. You're the best and I love you.

David, I love you so much. You're my best friend in the entire world and I miss you so much it hurts. We could have been unstoppable. We could have set the world on fire. I'm very glad we met, I wouldn't trade you for anyone. I'm sorry for leaving.

Kahari, you deserved better than me. I'm sorry I didn't love you the way you loved me. I'm sorry I hurt you and I'm sorry I wasn't the best girlfriend while we had a relationship. But, I'd like to think we had a better friendship. We were always there for each other and always helped when we could. You're great and you will go on to do amazing things. I believe in you and I always have. I love you.

Ashlyn, I'm sorry. I didn't want to leave you behind. You're my greatest friend and I'm sorry I disappointed you. I'm sorry I lied to you about that one thing. I never meant to hurt you. You deserved better than that. We're the perfect pair of friends and I think in another life, we could have been better. You're the Dean to my Sam and I wouldn't change a thing. Lastly I want to apologize on the universe's behalf for not treating you like the amazing human you are. I love you.

Belle. I know we made a promise to each other, I'm sorry. I don't have a good excuse so I will just apologize and hope to make it up to you in another life. You were my favorite. I loved you with all of my heart and you made me smile the most out of anyone. You're imperfect in the most perfect way and I will haunt anyone that says any different. You are the light in my life and I was so utterly in love with you, it may be even pathetic. One look from you and I could have been on the floor at your feet. I would have changed the color of the sky if you asked me. I'm not entirely sure how I would have done it, but it would have been accomplished. I'm sorry for leaving and I'm sorry for not being the best girlfriend you deserved. I love you with all my heart.