heartbroken: a compilation

Part 4: Healing is a lifetime

because I didn't say no,

I let it happen

but I had said I didn't want it

I had said no,

but once it started,

I stopped fighting

He asked me

how can I trust you,

if you don't trust yourself

it took me a second,

I was left blank

I wondered if I should

just let my heart shatter

you can trust me

can't you?

I wouldn't hurt you.

I wouldn't.

But I may hurt myself,

and if you actually do fall in love with me

would that hurt you?

would that be a lie?

could I get better, enough to when you ask

do you love yourself

how can I trust you?

I can say

I do love myself,

and you can trust me, 

because I trust myself,

and I would never, ever hurt you

Panic

panic threatens to overwhelm me

as all the insecurities flood back

I take deep breaths to soothe the wave

but it still crashes down

knocking me over

you use this time 

to reassure me

but I can't hear

from the pounding 

of water against shore

you shout my name

but the current keeps taking me away 

from you

you trudge slowly and carefully

trying to reach me

but there is no hold or grasp

while I sink

the salt water burns my eyes

but I am used to the salty trail running down my face

the rush of it

hits my skin

battered and bloodied

it burns 

but nothing like you

I try to hold onto the land

you stay at the beach waiting

I lash and scream

but water fills my lungs

and my yells are left unheard

you stare into the absence 

of detachment

waiting for the wave to hit you too

but it struck's

as the abyss, 

the five layers of the sea,

take hold of your exasperation

but you aren't dragged into it as me

you hold firm to the sand

gripping it tight with no pain

and I sink to the endless bottomless sea

I want to wait there

but the pain wedged in my heart is too much

i let the sea take control

the current subsides

and I look around

the loneliness escapes my lungs

and the panic rises again

if you are gone

and I have left

then what am I

I hold the anxiety running through me, 

using it to fight my battle

at the brink of air

I cough up the remaining worries

thrashing them away with every kick of my legs

and swing of my arms

I look blindly for you

as I hit the surface, once again

I see how close I have been to shore all along

the worries ease

the concern on your face does not

I touch lightly the ground

I float back on a stand,

and I rise,

the water was not deep at all

but the waves scared me

but yet you stayed.

My walk of shame and guilt

take its course

and my hair covers my blush

I can't look into your deep eyes

I can't trust myself to not break

yet you pick up my hand,

bringing my body against yours

you take a deep breath, hugging me tightly

as if you were the one who lost me,

not I who lost you