Fatal Flaws

chapter 30

An ugly, silent sob wrecks me, and I can't stop. I cry until I'm empty, until everything hurts and I'm shaking. Shame burns hot on my skin, the guilt clamping tight around my chest. But the worst part? I know I'd do it all over again. That's just who I am.

You'd think after everything with Johnny, I'd know better than to get tangled in something like this again. But I've never been good at following the rules. And after Zane, it's only gotten messier.

Seeing him after so long, it was like getting struck by a bolt of lightning. All it took was one look, one touch, and suddenly I was back in that place—thinking maybe, just maybe, we could fix things. But I was so wrong.

I wish he'd accept that we'll never be more than friends. He's like family. That's all it'll ever be. Why can't he just hate me? Everything would be so much easier. Letting him go was supposed to be the hardest part, but now... now years later, he's still here. Still trying.

Missed calls from Zane light up my phone again and again. I ignore them all. Then another notification pings. Fingers trembling, I play his voicemail. His voice is gentle, familiar, but laced with sadness. "I know you're mad at me. I just need to know that you're okay. Please call me back."

My throat tightens, and I slam down the phone, turning it off. Even after everything, me hurting him, he still cares. My finger hovers over the power button. Maybe I should call him back. But I can't, it's easier to pretend nothing happened than to risk making it worse.

My heart twinges looking over at Sky's bedside table. A picture of her and Hayden at the lake last summer, laughing and carefree, stares back at me. My gut churns the longer I look at it.

Unlike Zane, Hayden hasn't reached out once, but neither have I.

I've only seen him once since that night. I was picking up my books, and he'd moved seats. Now he sits with a girl who has bubblegum-pink hair and thighs that fill half the bench. I have no clue who she is, but they were laughing and joking around. I left before he could see me and went home and cried.

Now, a week later, I'm still here, stuck. I'm too stubborn to apologize, but I doubt it'd make a difference anyway. Hayden's just as hard-headed as I am, maybe worse, which is why he's giving me the silent treatment. He knows it kills me, and I know he's not going to fold first.

A tear slips loose, and I swipe it away, but another comes right after. His silence cuts deeper than any shouting ever could. It's torture. I'd rather he storm in, yelling at me, and make me face what happened. Hearing him say that I never mattered would almost be easier than stewing in this endless nothingness.

But part of me knows it isn't true. He cared. I cared, too. Maybe that's what hurts the most.

As hard as it is to admit, he's gotten under my skin, and I can't shake him. I'm used to having him around, to talking to him every day. I even miss his little annoying quirks, like how he rakes his fingers through his hair when he's aggravated, or how he always has to have the last word.

At least if he'd call me out, maybe we could both move on.

Something rattles at the door, and my gut jumps. It's probably Sky again. I burrow deeper under the covers, not in the mood for another rescue mission.

The door opens slowly and closes. I hold my breath and lie perfectly still as a heavy set of footsteps crosses the room, my heart thudding wildly in my chest.

"So this is where you've been hiding," Hayden's voice, deep and edged just enough with sarcasm, slices through the quiet. "Sitting around moping. You'd think someone just fucked you over, not the other way around."