Fatal Flaws

"Are you ever going to tell me what's wrong? Or are you going to be a bump on the log forever?" Sky asks for the millionth time. Yes, she worries about me, but what does she want from me? I bury myself deeper into my enormous comforter, ignoring her questions completely. I can feel her softly attempting to tug at the blankets, with no luck.

"Look, I don't know what happened between you and Zane, but I'm sure you can work it out. He came all that way to see you. He cares about you a lot. Plus, you have spent so much time in bed that I never see you anymore. I miss my best friend. I need you," she pleads, pulling at my blanket. This time more firmly than before. She succeeds at yanking the comforter down enough, so I'm forced to look at her.

Her eyes are full of pain and concern. I can only imagine what I must look like. I've barely been out of bed since that night. I've been attending online, making multiple excuses why I can't attend in person. It's good that lying comes second nature to me or I'd be in real trouble. The few days I attended, I was in and out.

"There's a party tonight at the frat house. You know, if you decide you want to come and join civilization," she sighs. Defeated she releases the blanket from her grasp. I tremble as she reaches out, gently stroking my matted hair. This whole situation has my stomach in knots. I constantly feel like throwing up every time I picture leaving the comfort of my room.

"You might even meet someone new you never know," she moans, attempting to cheer me up. Unbeknownst to her, failing miserably. I wish I could talk to her about what's wrong. To be honest. I want to grab her and squeeze tight while pouring my heart out. My tears soak us both as she hugs me tightly, telling me it's ok. Then we laugh and smile together while wiping my tears away.

But that'll never happen. Why? Because I'm secretly a horrible friend. How do you tell your so-called best friend that you've been lying to her this whole time? While she's worried sick about her twin brother, you're a major part of the problem. You're the entire reason he's been drinking and getting into fights. We're both sneaking around behind her back, hooking up, and lying. It would be so different if I hadn't been such a coward. I should have been honest from the start. But I wasn't. And the worst part is I don't know how she would react to the truth. She's my only friend here and I can't lose her.

I watch her buzz around the room, getting ready. She has so much energy and joy radiating from her. I wish I could be more like her and not this awful person I've become. She hums an unfamiliar tune while spraying perfume, covering her completely. I watch in awe, imagining how my life could be. We could giggle and joke while getting ready. Busy talking about our crushes and relationships while trying on various outfits. Why can't life be simple?

Thankfully, Ben texts a few minutes later, letting her know he's outside. She tries again to get me up before throwing me a look of pure pity. My eyes swell with unspilled tears as she waltzes out the door. The sound of the door closing signals her departure. Once again, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

I'm so ashamed of my actions. What did I think was going to happen? How could I let myself get sucked into this situation in the first place? Yes, I was happy to see Zane. It's been years since the last time we saw each other. Not to mention we'd left on sour terms. I was excited about repairing our friendship. He'll always be my closest and dearest friend. But I can never be with him, at least not how he wants. I wish he could understand that. And be okay with my decision. I love him but like a big brother. Before everything happened, he wasn't enough for me. I mean, he's a great guy, probably one of the best men I've ever met in my entire life. Any girl would be lucky to have him. I've prayed that I could feel that way about him because he would treat me like a princess and never hurt me. But the worst part is I know I would hurt him if we ever tried. I know myself. Even if I tried my hardest to love him and be faithful I would screw it up. The best thing for me to do is to let him go. Let him find someone that deserves him. Someone who will value his time, energy, and love. Zane's texted me over a hundred times this last week. I've left them all on read. I don't have the balls to respond. Why waste my time and his with some feeble excuse? Why doesn't he hate me? I hate myself. But that is what's wrong with him. He's too sweet, loyal, and forgiving. I'm not even worthy of his friendship.