Fatal Flaws

"I love you, Bex. I'll never leave you, it's me and you against the world. You're the Bonnie to my Clyde. " Johnny laughs as he kisses my lips in the back seat of Henry's old beat-up Chevy Caprice. His fingers move in circles across my cheek as I nestle my face against his palm. Old Spice aftershave and warm ginger entice me, surrounding me. I feel safe and secure snuggling against him, closing my eyes. Listening to the soft beat of his heart, thumping gently through his chest, is calming. Everything is perfect, just the way it should be.

"Johnny, Johnny, stay with me. Open your eyes, please! Johnny, wake up!" I'm screaming, but no one hears me. There's so much blood. It's everywhere. My hands dyed red, match the soaked ground. The more I try to stop it, the faster it flows out. A large, dark red puddle of fresh blood pools around him, seeping out from beneath his body. The splashing sound as it hits the pavement is deafening in the silence. "Somebody help, please!" I plead. My voice cracks from the rawness in my throat. I'm desperate. Anyone, please. Where is everyone? Tears spout from my eyes, getting lost, mixing with his blood. Why isn't anyone coming?  My voice is merrily a whisper.

"Bex, Bex, wake up," a male voice is coming from somewhere. Finally, someone is coming. But why is he shaking me? It's completely dark besides a small amount of light, creeping in from behind the curtains. I assume it's from the street lamps outside. Having this routine down, I sit for a few seconds, waiting for my eyes to adjust to the darkness. My dorm room becomes clearer. The light shines over his face, illuminating his features.

"Hayden, what are you doing? Why are you here?" I stammer, my voice cracking. 

"My roommate was having a female friend over and needed privacy. Besides, Skylar is staying with Hope tonight, and said I could crash in her bed." his voice is quieter than usual. Pushing myself up with quite some difficulty, my head begins throbbing. I'm so tired. Without looking at the clock, I know I haven't slept long. My body is drained, like I've been submerged underwater for hours. Even my skin is cold and clammy. But my tears are warm, streaking down my cheeks. Each time I lick my lips, I taste their saltiness, still lingering. 

"Are u okay?" He asks, an unusual look of concern etched across his face.

"I'm fine. It was just a nightmare, " I answer. A sudden wave of worry washes over me. Was I talking in my sleep? Did I say anything about Johnny? What does he know? My heart is pounding. It's about to jump out of my chest any second, beating fiercely against my breast. The sound is loud and echoes in my ears.

"You were thrashing around and moaning. It was loud enough, you woke me from a dead sleep, "he whispers, lowering his eyes. "I wanted to make sure you were okay. I was worried about you," he says, trying to reassure me, like he can sense my worry.

"I told you I'm okay. It's just a scary nightmare I have sometimes. It's not a big deal," I whisper. Deep down, knowing he's not the one I'm trying to remind. It's not my fault I'm cursed to relive this terrible night. I wish it would go away, but I know it won't. "Do you mind? I need to change my clothes since they're wet, "I snap, pulling on my wet T-shirt, clinging to my bare back.

"Yeah, that's fine. I'll turn around, "he whines, not happy about it. I can't help but laugh watching him pretend to cover his eyes with his hands, while spreading his fingers apart. His piercing blue eyes stare at me from between them in the dark. 

"You're not funny," I tease. Taking advantage, I give him a quick jab to his stomach in the dark.

"Hey, it's not like I haven't seen what you have to offer," he jokes.

His words hit me like a ton of bricks, allowing a single tear to develop in the corner of my eye. I refuse to let him see that he hurt me, forcing the small lump in my throat down. It's bad enough that I have to relive the worst moment of my life on repeat, but Hayden witnessed it. And if that wasn't bad enough, now he's joking about my moment of weakness. The only thing he's accomplished is to remind me I'm a failure. And I always will be. I can't even start over right without fucking something up, and ruining something good. Look at me, letting a stranger touch me while almost ruining the only friendship I have here. Plus, there's still a chance that if she finds out, it'll be over. It's just one more secret to add to my growing list. I'm drowning, being devoured by everything that's happening. Another tear escapes, falling to the bed below. I'm stronger than this. I silently remind myself, wiping the remaining streak away.

"Hey, don't take it the wrong way. I wasn't saying it to be a dick or in a bad way," he whispers. "Just because we had a little fun doesn't mean anything. I'm not judging you," his face softens as he speaks. I know he isn't trying to be a jerk. But it doesn't matter. My face burns as my blood pressure rises. I have nothing left in me but anger, which has been boiling for so long. My pain and hurt are twisting, mixing, and being consumed by rage. All I see is red.

"Yeah, of course, it didn't mean anything to you," I scream, unleashing my anger on Hayden. "I don't mean shit to you, to my family, or anyone else. All I was to you was a conquest. Another mark on your board. Some poor, pathetic girl who made out with you. When guess what? I don't even fucking know you," I yell, flinching away from him. "You say you won't judge me, but I know what you think. I'm a whore right" I hiss through clenched teeth. I'm so angry. My whole body is numb. I'm shaking with each word, slicing through the air like a hot knife.

"Whoa! Hold up, I never said that," he barks, jumping to stand beside me. "I don't know what your deal is, but you don't know me either." his voice rises. "So don't be so damn quick to judge me," his voice now as harsh as mine. He can't see me right now. His eyes are staring straight through me. Part of me wants to smack that smug little smirk off his face. The other is tired. Tired of hating everyone and constantly hiding my emotions, disguising the truth, and how I truly feel from everyone. I know I have to because no one will understand. I'm worn out from carrying this burden on my shoulders.

"Can you please turn around?" I ask, drooping my shoulders in defeat. Without saying a word, he spins around, facing the wall. Sliding past him, the tension is thick in the air. Any hint of joking or laughter is gone. Once hidden behind the closet door, I remove my soiled clothing, sliding on clean pajamas. The cool wooden panel of the door feels nice against my back. I can't fight anymore, not right now. I give up, sobbing uncontrollably. I ignore the sharp pains shooting across my breast as I struggle to catch my breath. My body slides helplessly down the door. All I can do is bring my knees to my chest, unleashing the burdens I've been carrying.

 Hayden's back in bed by the time I get myself in check. Snoring peacefully with his mouth slightly ajar. Despite being angry with him, I can't deny how gorgeous he is. But he drives me crazy. I just met him, and he's already made me weak and vulnerable. Not to mention he's pissed me off, more than anyone else has. Climbing into bed, I pull the comforter up snugly around me, drifting off to sleep. Only this time, thoughts of Johnny and Hayden consume my dreams. Nightmares of that night clash with dreams of sexual frustration. And a mysterious, dark-haired boy riding a white horse, who comes to save me from myself.