Content Warning: exchange of harsh words, confrontations, physical violence (slapping) —this chapter is extra long.
"Bakit kayo nandito? Ginugulo niyo kwarto ko." Sinamaan ko silang lahat ng tingin. I planned on staying in bed the whole day. Saka ko na aasikasuhin ang mga namiss ko sa school. Gusto ko muna magpahinga. Ang sabi ko kay nila Myrene padamay na lang ng excuse letter ko pero nagulat ako bigla noong pumasok sila dito e ang alam ko may mga pasok 'to?
Nag-cut daw sila, ngayon lang naman daw tas sinabi naman daw nila kay Kian kaya ayos lang 'yon. "Inaabuso niyo na kabaitan ni Kian, ah?" Agad na pinagalitan ko 'yong dalawang babaita na kinakalikot 'yung mga stuffed toys ko. "Ano ba! Miss ka namin bakit ba?!"
Kasama rin nila si Red. Si Red, puro cutting naman talaga 'to mula high school pa pero himala na hila niya rin si Kei?! "Bad influence ka." He slammed his hand on his chest, acting like he was deeply offended with what I said. "Nakakasakit ka na talaga ng damdamin, bawiin mo 'yon!"
"He didn't force me into this. I just heard him talking to Erin and Myrene and I invited myself and offered to drive them here since we live in the same neighborhood. Plus, this is my first cut anyway." Kei calmly explained. Nakita ko pang bumelat si Red sa likod niya kaya napairap na lang ako.
May sakit rin kasi talaga ako kaya si Kei nag-doctor mode bigla. Sinabi rin kasi ni ate sa kanya na may sakit ako. The whole day they kept me entertained in my room. Nagdala pa si Red ng mga baraha. Tinuruan niya pa sila Myrene maglaro ng Pusoy Dos at Bullshit.
Mamaya tinawag na kami ni mama para kumain sa baba. Ako na nagpumilit na maghuhugas ng pinggan pagkatapos kumain. Pero tumulong din si Kei na maglinis tutal doon siya masaya. "You can go ahead and follow them outside. I'll just finish drying these up." Utos ni Kei habang may hawak na twalya na pangpunas niya sa mga basang plato.
I washed my hands first before following where my other friends were. I'm sure they were playing badminton. That's what they talked about awhile ago, so I assumed they were. Pero paglabas ko sa garahe, nag-uusap lang pala sila habang naiwan sa tabi ang mga badminton racquet nila. They haven't noticed my presence yet so they continued their discussion.
"Gago? Gusto ko magalit. Kung hindi lang 'yan babae, susugurin ko 'yan." I didn't know what they were talking about but I silently scoffed when I heard Red say that. Kahit lamok 'di niya kaya patayin. "Akala ko ba kaibigan niyo 'yon?"
Nagkasalubong ang dalawang kilay ko. Sino tinotukoy nila?
"Hindi na. Wala kaming kaibigan na traydor." Ramdam ko ang gigil at galit sa tono ni Erin. Mahigpit pa ang hawak niya sa shuttlecock na parang malapit na niya masira ang hugis noon.
"How can she do that? Alam niyang sensitive topic 'yon kay Sab, e. At tayo nga lang ang may alam sa nangyari. Sab has been nothing but kind to her! Pinayagan na nga niya si Cole na tulungan siya na kahit parang nakikihati na siya sa jowa ng iba tapos ganito ang isusukli niya? Lakas loob niya ibackstab best friend ko, ah?!"
They were talking about Miguella. Ever since then, Myrene had really been suspicious of Miguella and her intentions with Cole. Openly 'yan nagtataray sa kanya sa classroom. Ano nanaman 'tong sinasabi nila? Anong backstab?
"Paano niyo nalaman na siya nagkalat noon?" It was Red who asked.
I was slowly connecting the dots. Para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa kinakatayuan ko ngayon na naiintindihan ko na kung ano tinotukoy nila. "I couldn't just stand there and do nothing. Sab broke down because of it. Kaya tinanong ko sa mga nagbubulungan noon kung kanino nila narinig 'yon. Pinilit kong sabihin nila sa akin. Tapos ayun nga, kay Miguella nga raw galing—"
"What are you doing standing here?" Erin's words was cut off when Kei appeared behind me. Gulat na lumingon sila sa akin na nakasandal ang katawan sa may pinto. Kei was clueless, hindi niya alam na may nangyayari pala. "I thought you guys were playing..." He was quick to read the room.
Seryoso lang ako tumitig sa kanila habang naglakad papalapit sa harap nila. "Si Miguella ang may gawa?"
"Sab..." Halos nauutal nilang tawag.
I bitterly scoffed. May problema siya sa akin? Pwes may problema na din ako sa kanya.
To: Miguella
Mag-usap tayo.
I have had enough of this Miguella fiasco. Ni hindi ko alam ang dahilan kung bakit ganito ang trato niya sa akin when I have done nothing but try to be her friend.
After nearly a month, I finally had a chance to talk with Miguella. I can tell she has been avoiding me but I followed her when she left the university. I got her all cornered now. May kausap siya sa telepono pero wala akong paki. Pipilitin ko siyang kausapin ako ngayon.
"Please? Meet me—"
"Miguella." My voice was stern. I'm tired. Ayoko na patagalin 'to.
"Sab?" When she turned around to face me, I caught a glimpse of her surprised eyes but she was able to compose herself immediately. Binaba niya na rin ang tawag niya sa telepono.
"Ano nanaman? Ang kulit mo, 'no? Bakit ba ayaw niyo ko tigilan?"
I scoffed in disbelief. How dare she? 'Niyo' so kahit ang efforts na ginagawa nila Erin to reach out to her wala lang sa kanya? "Ako pa talaga ang ayaw kang tigilan? Bakit ikaw? Kailan mo titigilan ang boyfriend ko." I made sure I emphasized the term referring to Cole.
She played a small smirk on her lips. "Oh, you mean Kyzer?" Kinuyom ko ang kamao ko.
"Calling him by his first name? Were you given permission to? Sino ka ba?"
She rolled her eyes. "What do want? Ayaw kita kausapin." Mataray na saad niya.
Ang kapal ng mukha niya. How could a she act as if she has done nothing wrong.
"Ikaw ang nagkalat ng tungkol kay Alli." It wasn't a question, I knew it was her also based on the expression on her face right now. There was no sign of any guilt.
"Oh, ano naman? Totoo naman, ah? Didn't Kei's sister die because of you?" She chuckled a little. "Oh come on, Sab. Ayun 'yung paawa story mo, diba? Now everyone's attention is on you. Hindi ba ayun ang gusto mo?"
"You're insane." Galit na giit ko.
"Oh and so what if I am? Oh, but at least kahit na lahat ng atensyon ng mga tao ay na sa 'yo, I have Cole's. Turns out you can't have it all."
"You're jealous of me. Is that it?" Saying that seemed like I triggered something in her. She suddenly lost her cool and snapped.
"You always make it look like you're so perfect! Ano? Everyone likes you kasi you're this miss goody two shoes!" She mocked the last phrase. "And you will always have everyone on your side. Okay, tingin mo sobrang galing mo lagi but then you have this contradicting act para magpaawa? But you enjoy victimizing yourself, do you? Because you're thirsty for attention. Malungkot ka kasi hindi enough grades mo sa parents mo kahit na lagi ka naman nasa DL? Palagi ka na lang nagdradrama na para bang ang hirap hirap talaga ng pinagdadaanan mo— Pathetic! Ang arte arte mo naman, Sab!—"
She gasped when my palm harshly met her cheek. "Wala kang alam sa nararamdaman ko. Ang plastic mo pala, ano? All this time I treasured you as my friend."
She scoffed sarcastically. "Friend? No, dear. I've never even liked you in the first place." My heart dropped like that was the most heartbreaking confession that I have heard. That was such a huge slap on my face. "Maybe at first, I befriended you because I envied you. Nearly everyone likes you and I wanted to top that so I made my circle bigger. I wanted to do well in school too para lamangan ka at para makita din ni nila daddy na kaya ko din. He had always compared me to you kasi ang galing galing mo, e," she chuckled bitterly. "Mula sa school at sa bahay, ikaw pa rin ang hinahangaan ng lahat. And I wanted all the attention and validation that you had."
"You wanted to be me?"
"No." She took a step closer to me. "I wanted to be better than you."
"Kaya siniraan mo 'ko?" Hindi makapaniwalang sabi ko. "You are pathetic," giit ko.
I saw how anger fired in her eyes as if I hit a nerve. "Para kang bata na lahat ng gusto mo dapat iyo. Gumising ka nga. Our friends, including me, treated you like our friend. Noong may pinagdadaanan ka sa daddy mo, sinubukan ka namin intindihin bilang mga kaibigan mo. And I tried helping you in ways I could even if it was through my Cole."
"Hindi ko hiningi ang awa niyo—"
"Kaibigan ka namin, Miguella! At napakasakit isipin na ang babaw babaw ng tingin mo sa friendship natin. Na tinatapon mo lang ang lahat na pinagsamahan natin." I breathed.
"You question why everyone likes me? Baka kasi hindi naman ako plastik katulad mo. Totoong kinakaibigan ko ang mga tao unlike you who sees everyone as your robots and competition. That's one thing different about us, kaya I doubt malalamangan mo ako."
I saw how her expression slowly changed. Her eyes turned sad, replacing her angry ones awhile ago. "Araw araw pinaparamdam sa akin ni daddy na wala akong kwentang anak. Do you even know how it feels to be slapped by the truth of your parents wishing they had a different child instead? I always tried so hard to be the best for everyone so maybe they'd end up wanting me. But now, even Erin, my best friend, chose to side with you. Everyone turned their backs against me. Why is it so unfair? I just wanted everyone to like me too. Maybe that's why I held on to the attention Cole gave me."
Nagbigay ako ng tipid na ngiti sa kanya. "I'm sorry you're going through a hard time right now. But that doesn't justify everything that you've done." She was starting to look sorry now. But no. I wasn't going to give in. "Hindi dahil tingin mo ang malas malas ng buhay mo ay may karapatan kang iinvalidate ang hirap na pinagdadaanan ng ibang tao, Miguella. Dahil wala kang alam. At ang selfish mo dahil sarili mo lang ang iniintindi mo lagi." Not even letting her speak again, I left the scene immediately.
When I turned my back, I was shocked when I saw Cole who seemed to have been there listening to us for a while now. Saglit na nagpako ang tingin namin sa isa't isa. I inhaled sharply before walking past him.
Cole had been trying to approach me pero madalas linalampasan ko lang siya. Masyadong madami ang nasa utak ko ngayon pagod na ako.
From: Tay Kian
FINALS_REVIEWERS.pdf
Hi Sab! Sending my reviewers to you. Pinagsama ko na lang lahat sa isang file but if masyadong magulo, I had each subject separated here in this GDrive folder
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1hwW...
You can message me anytime if you need help in anything. We can review again like before along with our friends.
To: Tay Kian
hii omg thank you! :)
From: Tay Kian
Check your emails please? Some of our profs has been trying to reach out to you. May missing assessments ka ata for finals grading period.
I tried talking to our profs if kaya kang bigyang extension or extra credits. Did what I can :(
Really worried about you. Hit me up anytime if you need help okay? Pati sila Rene nag-aalala na
To: Tay Kian
noted
sorry po sa abala :(
I frustratingly put my phone down on my desk before massaging my temples.
I'm failing. I couldn't bring myself to focus nor do my best in school. I just really felt so out of it.
"Sis? Kaya?" Myrene asked while pouting. I only gave her a thumbs up while pressing my lips together.
'Inang 'yan. Hindi. Hindi ko na kaya.
Pero kailangan pilitin.
Napaka-disappointing ng performance ko ngayon. Nahihiya na nga ako kay nila Kian na sinusubukang pakiusapan ang profs namin. They were starting to question me too kasi alam nilang hindi naman ako ganito.
I already know how will this end. Nagiging pabigat na ako sa lahat at magdadala pa ako ng disappointment sa parents ko.
I was met with a harsh slap when I got home. My head remained tilted on the side due to it's impact as I listened to my mother scolding me.
"Bakit ganito ang final grades mo? Ha?!"
"S-Sorry, mama. Babawi na lang—"
"Ayan din ang sabi mo sa amin dati, Sabrina! Ang sabi mo, noon babawi ka at hindi na mauulit. Pero ano 'to?! Uuwi ka sa amin na ganito? Kinulang ka at tanggal ka ngayon sa DL? At ano nanaman ang dahilan mo para dito? Dati dahil sa kaibigan mo so ngayon dahil sa lola mo?!" I was speechless. My heart was throbbing in pain. "O baka naman dahil nag-jojowa ka na? Ganun ba?!"
I looked at her in shock. "Akala mo hindi ko alam ang tungkol sa inyo?" She hysterically laughed. "At kailan pa kita tinuruang magsinungaling sa amin ha, Sabrina Elaine?"
"Mama, walang kinalaman si Cole dito. Sorry kasi hindi ko po pinagbutihan. Pagod lang po ako sa ngayon. Sorry—"
"Lahat ng tao dito sa bahay pagod, Sabrina!" She roared in anger which echoed in the whole house. "Lahat dito nalungkot din dahil sa nangyari kay nanay pero hindi ibig sabihin noon ay papabayaan mo na pag-aaral mo pag malungkot ka. Na para bang tumigil na ang pag-ikot ng mundo. Umayos ka nga! 'Wag kang maarte!"
"Ma!" Ate Sydney went in between us while I only cried like a baby. "Intindihin niyo naman si Sab ngayon, oh! Hindi mo naiintindihan ang nararamdaman niya!"
She pulled me and caged me in her arms. My breathing labored, and my body is convulsing in pain. My sobs grew louder and louder.
"'Wag mo kinukunsinti ang kapatid mo, Sydney!—"
"Tama na!" I nearly shouted. I pushed my body away from my sister and faced my mother with bloodshot eyes.
"Sinusubukan ko naman maging perfect para sa inyo. Lahat ginawa at gagawin ko, para may mapatunayan ako sa inyo kahit na ang hirap hirap nilang abutin." I sobbed in between my sentences. "You have no idea how everything is affecting me right now at pasensya na kung hindi ko magawang maging kasing tibay ninyo... mama, pasenya na po kung hindi ako kasing galing ni ate."
Malungkot na lumingon ako kay ate na umiiling iling na ngayon na may bakas din na lungkot sa kanyang mga mata. "Sinusubukan ko naman. I'm really trying my best.. Kahit ang hirap hirap na. Kahit pagod na pagod na ako..."
Tumungo ako at tiningnan ang mga paa ko habang kinukuyom ang mga kamay ko. "Kahit pagod na po ako maging anak ninyo..."
"Sab..." I turned my head to my father now who I know has been listening the whole time. His eyes were glistening with tears. Pait na ngumiti ako habang inikot ang tingin sa kanilang lahat.
"Pagod na po ako... I may seem selfish right now pero pwede ko ba hilingin na magpahinga muna ako?" My mother looked sorry now. I watched how her lips parted, attempting to say something but couldn't bring herself to.
New tears were forming in my eyes once again. And I let myself be vulnerable in front of them, partially begging for them to see and understand my pain.
My vulnerable state ended up bringing me in someone's familiar front door. Matagal ko na siya hindi nakakausap at alam kong may kailangan din kaming pag-usapan pero palagi ko pinagpapaliban.
I knocked three times only to be welcome by silence. Baka umalis siya? I knew his passcode so I invited myself in. All rooms were empty when I checked. Pumasok muna ako sa loob ng kwarto niya at pinagmasadam 'yon. It still looked the same but somehow the feeling being in it felt different.
I texted Cole to inform him that I'm here.
I waited in silence until I heard the door open and heavy footsteps of multiple people followed. May kasama rin ata siyang iba. I was gonna get out of his room but I stopped in front of the door as I listened to their conversation.
"—Ewan ko ba. Nakakapagod na ang lahat. Na-uulol na ako halos." That was Cole's voice. I slightly opened the door for me to peak. Nasa sofa siya nakaupo at si Bryce naman kasama rin niya.
"Nakausap mo naman na si Miguella, diba?" Tanong ni Bryce.
Cole scoffed. "For the last time, yes. I blocked her number too. I'm just literally so tired from dealing with all this shit. I want to get away with everything as soon as possible."
His words echoed in my mind as I began recalling everything that has been happening.
I've become a burden to my friends. Nag-ccut sila para sa akin na hindi dapat. Kian is doing everything he can to talk to our profs for me. Sila mama dissapointed sa akin. While Cole is also having a hard time because of me.
Pagod na ako pero pagod na rin sila.
"Sab?" I woke up from my thoughts when I saw Cole and Bryce looking directly at me through the small opening of the door. He was holding his phone so I assumed he just read my message.
Lumabas na ako at seryoso lang na nakatitig sa kanya. "Kanina ka pa? Have you eaten already?" Panic is immediately sensed in his tone.
Simpleng tumango lang ako. Humakbang siya palapit sa akin pero umatras naman ako. He looked shock and hurt with that simple action. "What you heard... It's not what you're—"
"Cole, tama na kaya?" I saw how he stilled. Mabagal siyang umiling parang hindi rin makapaniwala sa sinabi ko.
"No... Sab, you don't really mean that, right?" His eyes were starting to water. "Baka pagod ka lang—"
"Oo nga." I cut him off. "Pagod ako at pagod ka na rin. Wasn't the free and comforting feeling the point of relationships? We're both exhausted now, so bakit pa? Hindi na tayo nakakabuti sa isa't isa—"
"Hindi ako pagod sa 'yo, Sab!" He frustratingly exclaimed. Muli siyang lumapit sa akin habang umiiling. He held my hand as if me drifting away was his greatest fear.
"Pagod ka na? Pahinga na lang muna tayo, hm? We can lay in bed and talk like what we always do. Or we can watch movies. Anything, love. We'll fix this, okay?" His tears were already carelessly running down his cheeks as I tried to mask the pain I was feeling. I tried releasing myself from his grasp but he was consistently pulling me back to him.
"Cole, ano ba!"
"Sab, I promised I won't leave you!" Halos sabunutan na niya sarili niya. He's frustrated, but I know this will be for the best. "Ang sabi mo rin sa akin, gusto mo 'kong makasama. So bakit mo ako iiwan ngayon?"
Hindi ko na mamalay na tumulo na ang luha ko pababa sa pisngi ko. He looked so vulnerable in front of me as he begged for me not to leave him.
I'm just really tired and I don't want to drag anyone down with me and be a burden to them as I crumble down into pieces. These people deserve so much more dahil pakiramdam ko masyado na ako nagiging pabigat sa kanila.
Ayokong nahihirapan sila dahil sa akin. I'm a mess. I don't even understand myself anymore. What should I do in times like this when everything is pilled up on my plate? How shall I deal with my emotions? I've become complicated and maybe too complicated that I have already expected people to get tired and leave me. This is a battle I know I have to face alone.
"Cole..." Pagod na tawag ko sa kanya. We're both drench with our tears and eyes were evidently red. His ears had also become red and he was biting his lower lip, trying to stop his tears but failed miserably.
I raised my hand to wipe his tears, gently cupping his cheeks. He leaned in my touch, holding my hand in place on his cheek. His eyes expressed longing.
"Ang sabi mo dati... Kung anong gusto ko, ayun ang susundin mo..." His hold loosened and his eyes stared at me with his lips slightly parted.
I wasn't able to control my sobbing when he completely released my hand and took one step away. Nag-iba na ang emosyon sa mga mata niya. He seriously eyed me. "Are you really that tired of me?"
I bit my lower lip at slowly nodded my head while I tried my best to lock my eyes with his. I had to use this card on him. "Pagod na ako... Gusto ko na kumawala sa lahat..."
"Pati sa akin?" His tone became cold and I didn't answer him.
He scoffed which expressed both pain and disbelief. "You're right, Sab. Kung anong gusto mo. Ayun ang susundin ko. So like the usual..." He wiped the tears on his cheeks and then faced me again with his dark and serious eyes. For a second, he looked like he was different person.
"Tell me what you want and I'll oblige."
★
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